Putting in boundaries and stopping being a people pleaser means some people will cut you off / pull away…

[Purplemountains]

I’m a chronic people pleaser and a yes woman. I’ve never been great and boundaries, so have been walked over quite a few times in the past.

I’m now in the 3rd trimester with my second baby, have another young child and am extremely stressed and currently undergoing therapy treatment. One things we’ve been working on is to stop juggling everyone else’s issues and being an emotional sponge / someone’s unpaid therapist.

It’s been a few weeks of saying no to extra hours at work, not checking in on friends every day and being a free 24/7 live chat therapy service for friends and I’ve noticed how people start to treat you differently.

Suddenly I’m the one that needs support or says I’m struggling so can’t take on too much and everyone runs away or doesn’t check in on you.

Just wondering if you’ve noticed this too, I’m assuming it’s a good thing in the long run. I know some struggle with boundaries with family too.

Yes they do, and it's fine. You learn to recognise those who only wanted you for what you provided them. Proper friends will recognise that you are tired or need space and will still be there.

The ones that drift away are the users and you can do without them.

Well done to you. You will be a much better parent now to both of your DCs as you will have cut off the drains.

We all only have finite headspace, time, emotional energy - and we need to actively decide who we GIVE it to - and not allow it to be TAKEN from us.

People pleasers have a history of dysfunctional / emotionally inadequate childhood - so we need our finite resources (headspace, time, energy) to rebuild our deficient emotional core - so that we can be a better parent.

It falls on us to put in the boundaries because takers will never stop.

Get rid of the drains and look out for the radiators in your life - people who you feel warm and refreshed in their company - who know how to have a mutual and reciprocal relationship.

Dont worry about the drains kicking off they will be on to someone else soon - or maybe they will respect your boundaries.

You might find that most of your friends are drains because that’s what you’ve tended to attract by being a people pleaser. However, that’s ok, you will have time, headspace and energy to make new friends. Take it from one who knows!

Yeah I have noticed this too. Which means I dont have many people in my life but im ok with that. Luckily I've always been quite happy in my own company.

I was very honest with a friend about my struggles and he pretty much told me to work on myself and not speak to him. Im very confused about it as I trusted him a lot.

I decided to stop being the person that visits or messages family first.... no one has really spoken to me since but tell people I dont do this and that.

Yes I have had the same OP, some of us end up surrounded by a lot of people who are mainly just there to use us.

It is draining and when we try and assert boundaries they soon realise they can’t take the piss anymore and get what they want out of us so they scarper.

It’s sad but it is what it is. I just wish I’d figured this out in my 20s and not my 30s.

My phone and social calendar is a lot quieter now since I stopped being the one who texts first and almost never double message now. If someone doesn’t reply to my last text or set up a meet up after I organised the last few I just leave them to it.