Fucking favouritism in my family

[SiouxieSue]

I would put this on We took you to stately homes but it would involve a name change and I can’t work out to do it, I am FUCKING raging. I’ve had enough of my dysfunctional family with all its favouritism. My mother is a narcissist, my father was an enabler. I’m one of three kids - all middle aged - and I’m the scapegoat. The middle brother was my dad’s favourite, and the youngest brother was my mum’s favourite.

My mum is 80 (she’s nowhere ans bad as she was and I can deal with her fine) - and I’m pretty much doing everything as she ages - I live near to her, whilst my middle brother lives in Europe, the youngest 90 minutes away.

I have just found out by overhearing a phone call that my dad took out a savings plan for my middle brother aka Golden Boy and, doubtless, he took one out for my youngest brother. They are worth £8000 each and still, obviously, gaining interest, I do not have a savings plan - surprise, surprise.

Even after 57 years of dealing with the favouritism after effects and the current status quo, it Fucking hurts. I’m on a low income and self-employed with all the bumps with that - ,my middle brother is Fucking loaded and my youngest brother has a middling income. Utterly sick of it and I wish I hadn’t overheard the phone conversation. I doubt my mum has a problem with it, or they do. Maybe, they stupidly - MORONS - assume that I have one. 🤬

My mum is currently here as we took her out for Mother’s Day yesterday and going home tomorrow. Of course, i organised that and some theatre tickets for next month. I’ve got another day of her, but going to her house for two bloody weeks in April to help her with a cataract operation and recovery. I’m going to put my foot down and insist the Golden Children also do some of the looking after. Partner’s brother has just died - his family now all dead were horrendous- so he’s a ball of angst anf, TBH, ANGER at his dreadful childhood. I am surrounded by dicks. Thank god, I’m going away next week with my best friend for a spa stay and have counselling starting soon.

Totally feel for you. Your (righteous) anger is clear. Some people are just awful. Surrounded by dicks comment did make me laugh. Get that anger out however you need you. Put your foot down more. You deserve to be happy.

Cancel your two week visit to your mother. Cite illness or work but do not go. She does not need two weeks to recover from a cataract operation. Let her enabler h your dad help her and stay well away. What do they expect you to do apart from wait on them hand and foot?.

Sadly you won’t be able to make your golden child siblings do any work because they will ignore your requests. You are the female here and they think it’s your job. Drop the rope entirely here re all of them and stop giving into your fear obligation and guilt - three buttons they installed in you. They trained you to put them first with your own needs and wants dead last and it’s still happening. You are an adult with agency and you can and should withdraw completely.

Oh god @SiouxieSue that is very hurtful. However, what a favour they’ve done you! Just in case you blundered through the rest of their lives bending over backwards for them, you’ve now had the fog cleared for you. Great! Now you know where you stand. Fuck ‘em. Get your therapy, enjoy your spa weekend and plan how you can avoid them and any future care. Silly people, let golden balls sort them out. I’m sure he’s dying to ….not

Agree with pp. You can no longer stay with her for 2 weeks. You are giving her plenty of notice to organise something else. Be firm. Don't flip flop. Stop being the default option.

Stop doing as much for them. Don’t make excuses. Just say why. Set these clear boundaries so you don’t have to be raging when no one else is. If either of her golden boys want to step up they can. But you know they won’t.

I think you get to the point when you realise no matter what you do it will never change, and you stop trying to gain their approval. And at that point you dont feel bad for letting them down any more, and only have a relationship with them on your terms rather than out of a sense of duty.

Hi everyone thank you for the support. I really appreciate it.

I’ve calmed down by spending time with my lovely 90 year old neighbour who has Alzheimer’s and has just played his clarinet for me. My dad died 20 years ago and, in some ways, my neighbour is more of a dad to me. And his wife, who’s 70 is more of a mum in terms of being similar and interested in what I’m interested in.

Regarding my mum, she’s had a poor recovery from the last operation and being there for two weeks is the less of two evils, as if she had a fall as I would be really fucked in terms of care.

Yep, the siblings are going to take more care on. I’m going to spell it out again. TBH, the pair of them are avoidant as they don’t want to acknowledge my mum is ageing, whereas I’m a bloody realist.

I will, however, be seeing my school friends when I’m ‘home’, hitting the charity shops in my mum’s posh area and going for walks and trips to the nearby arts cinema as much as possible.

And I’m going to ask about that savings account. I wish my father could actually see how much support I give my mum - I was always the rebel (unsurprisingly) - as I’m not a Fucking twat. Thank god for my lovely cousins who ‘get it’ and I’m seeing them in France at the end of May. And no my mum is not going with me.

Again, thank you all.

The golden child/scapegoat dynamic is a tragically common one, and it's also a recurring pattern that the scapegoat child often ends up being the one to do everything to help parents in their later years. Just as frequently the golden children sit back on their laurels whilst still reaping all the affection and all the rewards. How much you do for your parents seems to do nothing at all to alter these situations.

It's cruelty in one of its rawest forms.

I've seen numerous variations on this theme on countless threads over many years on MN. It's as though it is pre-scripted. I also have some experience of this within my own family: thankfully from a grandparent - my father is quite another story - so it was easier to remain at one remove from the situation. My brother and I were thankfully attuned to what was going on and have never let this ruin our relationship.

You're well within your rights to have reached the end of your rope with this, OP, and to drop that rope. There are absolutely no benefits to you in allowing yourself to continue to be treated in this callous way. You've done your share. Time for somebody else to step up (and if they won't, this isn't your problem). This won't change. Ever. This realisation, and the relinquishing of hope that it will, is one of the most painful realisations there is but it will bring you freedom and, ultimately, some peace.

I'm sorry you didn't get the childhood you should have. The young you, as well as the woman you now are, deserve so much better.

I wouldnt be shy about asking about why your brothers got additional money and you didnt. Be polite about it, as Im sure you will. Be you need to ask now and not be prissy about it.

So, we had a late lunch yesterday - I was cooking and simultaneously ranting on here - and I felt very empowered by this forum.

Wine is drunk.

My mother asks about her Mother’s Day card. I bought a highly ironic one reading Fabulous Mum as I love a joke.

“I wondered why you bought that. I think I wasn’t such a fabulous mum.”

I do think as she’s hitting frailty and edging towards that there is some realisation of her failures and/or she wants me to say “oh my Fucking god you were AMAZING.” to let her off scot free. And I don’t let her off scot free, TBH I’ve been very clear that she was a poor parent and the family dynamics.

I close the conversation down with “well, we manage.”

She then says “I’m very grateful for what you do. I’m conscious that you do much more than the boys. X (Younger son) thinks it’s only 10 minutes for him, but he lives two hours away.”

”I live 90 minutes away, so I’m not round the corner.” - if I could drive it would be 30 minutes, but my journey to my mum’s tiny village involves a train and a bus.

”They should do more.”

Me - “Well, the person who has more influence in that conversation is you, not me, so you should talk to them about that.”

I go off for a quiet (large) G&T and make soup with the left over veg as making soup always chills me out.

Feel ok this morning as I’ve got quite a lot of the family BS off my chest and I am going to ask about that savings account.

Sounds like the late lunch conversation went as well as could be hoped for; well handled!

Are you absolutely sure there’s no savings plan for you? It would be a shame to launch into that conversation the wrong way.

@moderate thank you!
I’m going to do some digging before launching into a conversation. Funnily enough, I don’t give a particular fuck about the money - although it would be handy! - it’s more of the same and predictable injustice to deal with. Angry but sort of resigned to the status quo.

Actually, resigned is the wrong word as I’m restarting my routine of being more challenging as learnt from therapy.

It’s interesting to see how uninvolved my three teenage nieces are in their granny’s life. It’s not just their living in Europe. My mother hasn’t been a cuddly granny so as much they clearly love her, there’s none of the spontaneous warmth they have with their other grandmother, who was obviously a much better mother and my sister-in-law is very level headed and calm as a result.

There aren’t regular phone calls between any of my immediate family. We communicate by email or WhatsApp. We talk about world affairs, we don’t talk about emotions. It’s funny as to how much my mother likes the coolness of email. Her family was insane and didn’t do ‘emotion’.

I’m a very warm hearted in touch with emotions person, which isn’t down to my family, but years of therapy, good friends who are my logical family and a good partner.

Well it sounds as though outside of the occasional entirely understandable surge of anger at the injustice of it all, you are really on top of things and have taken the best steps not only to break the cycle of your mother’s family but perhaps even to have made her understand this, which is no small feat.

Fingers crossed there will turn out to be a nest egg for you too, but if not, you already know how much more valuable what you have achieved is than the money.

I could have written your post. It's incredibly frustrating. My mother is elderly and won't change, however she probably won't be here for much longer.

I've always been expected to do all the care and help, while the golden boy child does absolutely nothing but gets all the praise. Our treatment since early childhood has been incredibly unfair but for all that I still love her and want her to be cared for properly. Mother refuses to see a difference in the way she has treated us but she is very much of the generation that believes daughters step up and take care of their parents. She looked after her mother.

Golden child couldn't give a shit so if I don't do it, no one will and I can't live with that on my conscious.

I hear you I found out mine have a lot in savings and have to pay for for their own carers she said every now and again we give thr boys a thousand pounds each ( my brothers ) I am only daughter and have their only grandchildren have never been offered a penny they run away in cafes to pay first so they don’t have to offer to buy me a cup of tea !!

Thanks to everyone who commented and made helpful suggestions.

i cannot believe it, but my BROTHERS HAVE STEPPED UP TO THE PLATE!

They are coming over before my mum’s operation in April and STAYING to sort out stuff to make my mum’s house safer by creating a downstairs bedsit - her living room is huge - and to move and buy furniture.

Are they telepathic? We had a mutually supportive zoom call. This is a huge step change.

I’m going to remind them then that this is a SHARED responsibility and cannot go back to how it was.

It's probably a good time if you can soon tell your mother you want to know where all her important papers are and to know what you should handle when the day comes where she needs your help in paying bills, and to make sure everything is in order where the trust or will is concerned.

After my mother died, my father set up a separate joint bank account I could access if he were hospitalized long term. He couldn't put me as a user in his normal bank account because he had that in a trust.

He then got dementia and so it was a big learning process to do his taxes. Luckily, he'd kept the older tax documents so I could use that as a reference.

Your mother's will or trust might be outdated and you could go with her to an attorney to update it. It will also be good for you to know who the executor is that she's appointed.

My father has since passed, but at the time, my brothers lived too far away to be of any help, so I can sympathize with your predicament, but I'm glad there's been improvement in that area for you.

@ScorpionLioness79 thankfully, she’s incredibly organised on that front. The one thing my mum isn’t is seeking to have me as her carer, she’s actually fiercely independent. My dad set up Power of Attorney for them both, plus a living will. All her paperwork is organised.

It’s been more a case of my brothers realising that she needs more practical support - house etc - and that they do their bit and don’t dodge stuff because they live further away.

My brother in Europe works for a multi-national which is super flexible, he’s loaded and can work anywhere. Time that he’s using that, which he is. I have flexibility, whereas my middle brother doesn’t.

My mum has always been very open about her will and we all have a trust. I think there won’t be a row about money when she goes. Unlike my partner’s family which is a reptile pit over money.

that sounds really tricky sorting out your dad’s affairs,