Estranged father not told about my baby, grandparents caught in middle

[LovingGoldPombear]

Hi everyone, first post here! I’m (F30) posting on her because I’m looking for some non-biased advice.
My father had a drink problem and whilst I tried to maintain a relationship with him, it eventually got too difficult as his drinking escalated. Neither me nor my siblings see or speak to him and I haven’t had contact with him since 2019.

I had my first child last year and I recently found out that my grandparents (father’s parents) haven’t yet told him. For context, I have a good relationship with them. They live upcountry so I only see them once or twice a year but our relationship is solid and they are fantastic great grandparents to my child. My father now lives abroad so whilst they do see still see and speak to him, the contact is not regular. This has all come to a head as he is planning to fly over and visit them, and they do not know what to say to him about my child.

I have told them that nothing is a secret and to do whatever they’re comfortable with but I do completely appreciate that I’ve put them in a difficult position as it will be them that potentially has to deliver the news and deal with any fallout. My question is AITA? Is there another way that I should handle this? I really don’t want to reopen a channel of contact with my father but it feels inevitable if he might potentially make my grandparents life difficult?

Any advice/guidance would be hugely appreciated.

Kindly, I think you’re over thinking this! I do understand why, but reframe it. You didn’t ask them not to tell him, they chose to do that so any fallout from it is theirs to bare? Not sure why you’re taking responsibility for this. You cut him out for a reason, don’t feel second hand guilt about anything to do with him, it’s likely more than he deserves.

I agree. Don’t step in here to save your grandparents. He is their DS they can do as they like - as long as they are crystal clear that they are not to give contact details for you. Well done for NC and keep it up your DC needs your focus not distraction.

I agree too. Let his parents deal with their son, your dad. They decided not to tell him. Do not set yourself on fire to keep other people like your grandparents warm.

Do not ever restart contact with your dad because you will go straight back to square one if you do. He is an alcoholic and will be so for the rest of his days. Restarting contact will be like opening Pandora's box which will be very hard to close so do not open it!.

Well, it’s a bit silly they didn’t mention it. I am NC with my mum. My baby making days are finished, but if I had another, i wouldn’t tell her. I wouldn’t particularly care if she knew as long as she left me alone (in reality, she wouldn’t, it would all kick off, but not the point).

If they talk to their son regularly, it’s weird they haven’t mentioned it…in 7 years! If they don’t talk to him and this is the first time since 2019 that they’ve seen or spoken to him, well, they don’t have much of a relationship with him anyway.

I think this is on them, not you. You are NC with your dad. They have a relationship with their son and that relationship is their responsibility, not yours. Best thing they could probably do is simply to send him a text, email, letter whatever and break the news ahead of his visit. Get it done with. He can then decide how he’s going to handle that.

I would brace yourself though that he may pop up and try to make contact. I’d stay firm in your decision to not have him in your child’s life.

As PP have said, stay NC with your father whatever your grandparents decide to tell him. You’ve confirmed they should do what feels comfortable to them. You haven’t put them in an uncomfortable position - he has by being such a shit father that you had to cut contact. That’s on him. You’re keeping yourself and your child safe. You don’t need to reopen contact when you now also have a baby to protect. Congratulations on your baby, btw!

As you and all your siblings are non-contact with him, he must realise that your lives are moving on without him and that there may have been births, marriages, promotions and any other number of milestone events he’s missed. Try not to worry about what your grandparents do or don’t tell him. My sibling and I were estranged from our Dad when grandchildren were born and although he was told, he never attempted contact. I think it probably increased his feelings of being hard done by. Everything was always about him.

Congratulations on your baby. They are lucky to have a mum who can set protective boundaries.

Thanks everyone for your kind replies, I really appreciate your input. It’s definitely reaffirmed to me that staying no contact is for the best, even if sh*t does hit the fan. I always feel incredibly guilty about mine and my siblings estrangement effecting my grandparents but I’m sure that they will be able to navigate this and they understand my reasons for not wanting him in mine and my child’s life. I fully expect my dad to try and get in contact once he finds out so I will brace myself for that but will definitely not be reestablishing contact.

Thanks so much everyone 😊