Perimenopause, no intimacy and a toddler: stay together or separate?

[AmberBee34]

I’m 46 with 2.5 DD, my partner and I have struggled since she was born but definitely in the last six months. We haven’t been intimate for a long time (more than a year) and I’ve lost all drive with being sahm to my child, what I feel has been his lack of emotional support to me over the last few years and also in the throes of perimenopause… my partner was okay with this at the beginning but is now angry and resentful and it’s souring the whole relationship unfortunately. The longer we are together the more it seems like lots of aspects our personalities are just incompatible and I just can’t see it working out. Examples are is that he is a smoker and i am not (he smokes a lot more now than before DD) and he’s emotionally immature.

on the other side, he is mostly a great dad, he spends lots of time with our child, the negative is that he can be moody (mostly because our relationship is not going well) and she’s sees that. before anyone suggests it, if we split we won’t be coparenting as he would not have appropriate living arrangements to take her so I’m not sure how much support he would be. I have no other family to help and still no childcare.

Throw into this I’m really struggling with my DD, I’m with her all the time except when her dad is looking after her, and I really mentally struggle her behaviour and just the relentlessness of it all. Im not a natural toddler or small child parent. I feel like the breaks her dad gives me do help me to be a better parent. (I’m looking into childcare but it’s still 6 months away until she can go a couple of days)

I just feel so confused what the best option is here… I can’t see this relationship lasting but I’d really struggle alone until my child is a bit older.

i would love any advice from others who’ve been through similar ?

He may want to co-parent though

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here?. You;'re currently showing her that at present this crap treatment of you and in turn she is acceptable to you.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man just as you have done in your post.

He's hardly father of the year to his child. An emotionally immature man who is also moody (aka emotional abuse) is no decent male father figure for your daughter nor decent partner to you. He is really doing the barest of bare minimums here in the parenting stakes.

You're struggling now and this relationship is in its death throes. I would be very brave and start planning your exit from this so called relationship far sooner than later. Gingerbread would be worth contacting here as would be your GP.

Do any churches in your area do mother and toddler groups; could you also attend those?. You do not have to be a church member. Have you looked into she attending a preschool?.

What is the situation re the finances and housing?. Is there a ,mortgage or tenancy agreement with your name on it?. Are you planning on going back to work?.

I think the sign of a strong relationship is how you deal with it when it gets bloody hard. How he is dealing with it says a lot about who he is. Every single relationship goes through hard times like this. I can write a very similar story, young child and perimenopause. I think this is the time we really see the real person because it’s easy to show up when the sun is shining, we can all do those relationships. In a healthy relationship you should be able to talk to him and tell him how you feel. To answer your question though, yes everyone has been through similar. The ones who make it through are the ones who do it together. Being a moody child is not very mature.

Before calling it quits, have you considered going back to work as that seems to be a sticking point, it would help some of your other issues and if you do decide to separate you will need to be working

Hi OP,

I feel like in some ways we are very similar - I am pre-menopausal with a toddler (21 months + 4 other children) and a sahm (since November). It is hard isn’t it? I find being an older mum quite lonely sometimes, and especially when they are in their toddler phase and can be unreasonable. This is multiplied with having a partner that is not supportive, or one that expects you to parent 24/7 and not help. When I am tired and fed up it really makes it hard to parent.

My partner and I had an awful period when I was 41/42 and we separated for 6 months. I had enough of our relationship and years of being resentful of his inability to stop criticising, not feeling close to him, and the way he looked at me was not with love but with anger. It was pretty ridiculous because we were stuck in the same house whilst separated, not able to move out. This was after sleeping separately for 3 years (at one point I was asleep on a spare mattress in the living room). Anyway, this is a prime example of years of resentment and anger and I was fed up and already finished in my head.

Anyway, he did something I wasn’t expecting. As I was ready to blow it all up, talking about moving out and sorting what to do with our 4 children, he said he wanted to try and work it out. I was surprised because he always acted like he didn't care, so I thought I was doing him a favour by breaking up. So we went to couples counselling for about 6 months and it worked (surprisingly). The couples counsellor explained how we keep going round in circles when we argue and how both our traumas led to how we react to arguments, me flinching and turning off with the slightest of angry stance, and his need to resolve every argument there and then (he doesn't cope with unresolved conflict). It opened up communication, and now we both understand each other (a little better). He changed quite a lot after that, opening up more about his stresses at work and being less critical, and I changed so don't allow resentment to build up - I speak my mind there and then. It isn’t perfect, of course, but I don’t feel like a pressure cooker of resentment anymore.

Enough about me (sorry - bit of a tangent). In my opinion, if you feel love for this man it is time to talk. He might need his eyes opening about the state of your relationship and how unhappy you are, sometimes partners need this to be spelled out. A counsellor is a great idea because they can help you understand the repetitive arguments and behaviours that lead to your resentment. Of course, if it doesn't work out at least you gave it a try.

I remember one bit of advice from my Mother at that time. She said that if I was angry it was because I loved him, if I didn’t love him I would only feel apathy. Hope this helps.

Good luck OP.

Why wouldn't he have appropriate living arrangements? Why wouldn't he want to be a parent to his child just because you weren't together?