How do you manage a relationship with a difficult mother?

[ByGreenShaker]

Hi all,
I'm just wondering how many of you out there navigate your relationship with a difficult parent?
Throughout my life my mum has been very difficult to deal with. I constantly have felt on edge around her and she has said some quite awful things to me when I was a child/teenager and also as a young adult. I made a mistake in my early 20s which I won't go into here but its something I put behind me and could move on from and bury in the past but she used to tell the story as entertainment for her friends who didn't know me or this past event that I don't really like to dwell on. I had ask her to stop and explained how I found it upsetting (which she poutily agreed to, but didn't apologise) and she didn't mention it again.
As an adult I've kept her at arms length emotionally and had a somewhat superficial relationship with her but I've always longed for a deeper connection with my mum and hoped that she would change.
Fast forward to now and I have a 13 week old son conceived via IVF. I let her in on this journey in the hope it would bring us closer and I thought it had, as she can do really caring things like bring food, buying gifts for my son ect..
Throughout the pregnancy though she did upset my by broadcasting my pregnancy very early on before I was 12 weeks to a virtually anyone who listened, even though I said me and my fiancé were waiting until 12 weeks to announce it. She also kept telling me how awful the name was that we had chosen had my baby been a girl which was quite upsetting but I let it go over my head.
Anyway things came to a huge head a couple of weeks ago, I am relocating an hour and a half away from my home to study at university and I travelled to meet with a childminder to vet her and discuss arrangements for care for 3 days for my son for when I start in September, he will be 9 months old.
I didn't tell her this as she has been generally unsupportive about me returning to higher education and has made catty comments about me using childcare. I must point out she works full time shift work, days, nights and afters so wouldnt be able to provide any regular child care herself.
Anyway, she confronted me about visiting a child minder as she had found out from a relative, and spoke to me in an awful tone and insinuated I didn't care about my son (am I happy to leave him with a stranger, she can't believe I've gone through all I've gone through to have him to dump him on a stranger) I completely flipped at this as my son is the most important thing to me and ensuring he has a good childminder and is looked after whilst I study is of upmost importance to me.
I must admit I didn't react well, I screamed at her that I'm more than capable of deciding what's best for my son and that shes not able to provide childcare anyway and I snatched his car seat carrier out of her hands and went back into my house and shut the door in her.
I reflected on how I'd reacted and I reached out and sent a message on WhatsApp and apologised, which she ignored and she has been frosty since, I have apoloised again as she seemed to be becoming less frosty and again she didn't really acknowledge it, just asked about my son etc.. I bought her a mother's day gift from my son to his nanna and from me and when I went to give than to her yesterday, she refused to accept them and threw them back in my face, so I asked her what exactly did she want from me to move forward as I had apologied twice and she seemed hellbent on punishing me for an argument 2 weeks prior although I don't think the reason I lost my temper was without merit given her tone and attitude.
This basically ignited another argument where she walked away from me and we are not currently speaking.
Im not reaching out to her again, as I feel I offered an olive branch and she beat me over the head with it. I could never imagine treating my son like this to be honest.
Sorry for the long post, but I wondered how many other people have a mother like this? And how do you navigate a relationship with them?

Mine is a total cunt. I have been NC for years, best thing I ever did. 💐

Best way is to set very clear boundaries, preferably face-to-face and then send them in a text or email after for future reference.
If she crosses a boundary you tell her which one and how, then distance you and your son from her until she acknowledges it at a minimum, preferably remorseful (albeit, that may be too much to hope for in this case).

Alternatively, give her the finger and drive over her front garden bed... joking!

She was totally out of order and sounds mean and horrible. This is the reality of who she is.. She is not going to change. Accept that and stop looking for the mothers day picture of the wonderful mother as that's only causing you pain and disappointment. Stop apologising to her. Pull right back. She needs you more than you need her if she is going to be in her gcs life.
Get one sentence to say to her every time she interferes in your business..same sentence each time eg...do you mean to be so rude and then stare her down. Say nothing else and don't get into a discussion justifying your decisions. Give her as little information as possible just keeping everything on a surface level. But most of all stop expecting anything as you will be happier with no expectations.

You have got to stop trying.

She sounds horrendous.

She will never be a good mother.

She is clearly threatened by you and hates you getting ahead in life.

She told people about your pregnancy too early because she’s showing you she’s in charge.

Even if you could, I really really really would never leave my child in her care. She will do her best to turn your child against you.

Op, you sound amazing. Please cut her out of your life. She brings nothing to it and will actively create negativity.

You don’t need it.

You can’t make her into a perfect mother, sadly. Read Toxic Parents, it might help.

You owe her nothing let alone a relationship here.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not fundamentally changed in all the years since.

Women like your mother will not respect any boundary you care to set and will ignore it. You for your own part need to put more mental distance between you and your mother. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point and consider posting on the current well we took
you to stately homes thread on these pages.

You poor thing. You mother sounds awful. I have a generally good relationship with my mother and she once said something truly awful to me (in hindsight, out of anxiety) at a vulnerable moment and I’ve never been able to forget it.

You have faced that over and over and over. Sadly she isn’t going to change. I would suggest therapy to understand what you want from the relationship now and to decide how much or little contact you want.

Ditto!

"I could never imagine treating my son like this"

Surely what you say here is telling you all you need to know about what a despicable woman your mother is. You would never, ever treat your own child the way she treats you.

The power is in your hands now. Either you continue to let her be abusive towards you, or you decide that enough is enough and you stop seeing her.