Don't know what to do

[wimpsneedsleep]

DP and I have been together for 27 years have 3 DC 1 at uni 1 18 year old at home and 1 14 year old..

DP has a drink problem which has escalated over the years. A few months ago he accused me of cheating on him. I have never even considered cheating and it came completely out of the blue. Everything came to a head, we talked everything out, including about his drinking and he promised me he wouldn't drink anymore. This lasted about 2 weeks and started with the odd drink over Christmas and has escalated over the last 5 months. He seems to think it's ok to drink out of the house but this just means that everything revolves around when he can next go to the pub. He is often vile when he's had a drink.

I have been having some counselling since then because it was so awful and it had been pointed out to me that there is abusive and controlling behaviour, which I did not realise to my shame and I feel absolutely devastated that I've put my children through that for so long.

Tonight everything has come to a head again. He had 2 glasses of wine at lunch time. I was texting my friend on the way home and he told me I shouldn't be telling her anything about us, because she is friends with someone he works with. To my shame and without thinking I got angry and told him he was accusing me of something else, and I bought up the cheating accusations again. He walked out and came back several hours later clearly having been to the pub.

When he got back he was angry and said something so horrible and hurtful to me about something deeply private and upsetting that we went through that I can't believe he said it. I am numb because I'm so shocked. I stayed silent and left to shut myself in my bedroom. He then stormed in looked at me and stormed out again slamming the door - I don't know why he did that.

I have been looking at how to leave since this whole situation started and I'm not sure there's any coming back from this. I am so scared though. I swing between thinking I need to leave as soon as possible and I'm making it all up in my head and things can't be that bad.

I have gone through my finances and I won't be able to afford to move out until we sell the house. We are not married and jointly own the house. What do I do next? It's so huge I don't know where to start.

I'm sorry it's so long I just needed to get it out.

Op, I'm sorry you're going through this.

First things first, you need to stop minimising his behaviour because you are not 'making things up in your head.' Please contact Al-Anon who support friends and relatives of people who are alcohol dependent. They will give you some sound advice.

Next contact a solicitor and quietly get your ducks in a row.
If you stay, this could seriously effect your mental health and possibly your physical health too.

OP speak to women’s aid and they will give you knowledgable informed advice on how you can safely leave him. Your safety is paramount - leaving is the most dangerous time.

Thank you for replying.

I still can't believe that I am in this position but having someone else tell me I'm not imagining it helps me to see that I cannot go on like this.

I will look at women's aid and I have just been looking at solicitors to see if I can find out what my options are.

The thought of going down this road is terrifying and I'm so worried about my children, but I can see now that staying is the worse option.

So sorry you are going through this

If it’s something that he’s said that should never ever of been brought up like he has done
then you will never forget this and it will always be in the back if your mind and the resentment will eat you up.
it must be so hard dealing with someone who likes to drink to the extent that there hurtful & nasty
do not underestimate your children not knowing what your going through, they will especially the age their at

Im presume you work ? Full or part time

Have a look on Turn2us site to see if your eligible for any benefits, it’s only a calculation
Then Go on rightmove and see how much rental properties are in an area you’d like to rent

im presuming you couldnt live with a parent for the time being ?

If your married usually most are 50/50 share

I work part time but I could easily increase to full time.

I've worked out my finances and looked at rentals and I couldn't afford it even on a full time wage, so if we split I will have to stay in the house for now. My Mum lives 2 hours away so that's not an option either unfortunately.

I will have a look at turn2us thank you.

OP just to say you are not making things up, this is indeed a bad situation and not a safe environment for you or your children. I'm glad you are going to speak to Women's Aid for advice and support as your partner sounds volatile so it's imperative you leave safely. I agree your next step is to quietly see a solicitor to gauge where you stand. Good luck, you are definitely doing the right thing for you and your family.

Thank you for replying and thanks you for confirming to me what I think I already knew.

It's so hard to trust your own judgement when things have been like this for so long.

Well it's done. It's over, he said it first he knew.

He's been out drinking again and asked me if I was moving out. I told him I can't afford it. He also asked if I'd told the kids. That's the next horrific thing I have to do.

I don't know what to do next.

Well done OP. you don’t dance to his tune. That’s over now. You decide your own timetable and your own life. And it’s going to feel scary and like jumping off a cliff without knowing what is under you, but you can do it. Take this one day at a time. Or one hour at a time. Whatever is most manageable. Speak to women’s aid about what is safest in terms of whether to leave the home or not. Tell your friends and family. You may have feelings of shame: they will want to comfort and support you, I promise. Lean on them. Let them help you through this.