Would you tell your partner about an affair they would never discover?

[Olivia2226]

Would you tell youre husband/pratner if you had an affair? If you was 100% there was no way thay would find out unless you tell them.

No, definitely not.

Yes because I couldn't live with the guilt and I'd probably end up blurting it out in my sleep or whilst drunk anyway

I think I’d just leave. Tell him of course but if I’ve broken the trust that’s on me and I’d not think well of myself. I’ve always thought that if either dh or myself strayed that’s the end of us.

Well the relationship isn't really worth much if it's based on a lie. And a pretty massive lie at thst.
Your partner deserves to know so they can make an informed choice as to whether to stay or go. And to get their sexual health checked out .

This

Never. Would take it with me to the grave.

Yes, I wouldn’t be able to live a lie like that. Obviously I’d also not be willing to make my husband live a lie, but telling him would be as much for my benefit as it being the morally right thing to do as well.

I wouldn’t ever have an affair in the first place, but if I did then I’d be expecting to leave the relationship.

Absolutely not, just don’t do it, what good would come of it.
Are you trying to end your relationship/marriage?

They always know or suspect. You'd have to be a complete narcissist to not feel or show any guilt.

A better question would be.

Would you rather know if your partner had an affair or be kept in the dark and never know.

I’d never have an affair in the first place.

No affair can be guaranteed to never be discovered. You've done damage already, but finding out from you is less harmful than them finding out via a 3rd party.

They will find out.

Honestly I think if partner was having a affair it would be everyone else knowing and not me that would kill me, so a really secret one meeting some kind of need…I’d kind of get that….

Prior to being the victim of one, probably not.

Now, absolutely I would. I understand affairs as abusive, I understand that affairs remove the personal agency of the betrayed partner, I understand that keeping your cheating quiet actually only serves the cheat and is a way of continuing to control the narrative and outcome. I would give them their right to choose with the full truth in front of them no matter what the result is.

But I also wouldn’t have had an affair so I guess it’s easy for me to say.

No. I’m in the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ camp. I haven’t been unfaithful according to my own lights, though have done a couple of things that both MN and (much more importantly) dp would consider infidelity while we were still dating, before we moved in together. I don’t expect adults to be perfect or never to look at anyone else for decades and I don’t really want to hear them agonise about it either.

If I’d have done it, no. But it would be written all over my face, in my body language, I’d blurt it out somehow. I’m an honest person and I couldn’t live with the guilt.

Would I want to know about an affair? I honestly don’t know. It ends everything as it is. Your whole life changes. If it was an ongoing affair and other people had found out, I wouldn’t want to be the laughing stock behind people’s backs.
If it was a deeply regretted, one-off, and it had ended, probably not, I’d rather never know.

I’ve said depends because whilst I agree with a lot of the sentiments in the replies that’s on the basis that the husband is a decent man. If someone is in an abusive or dangerous or financially controlling situation then I wouldn’t advise them to disclose an affair that wouldn’t otherwise be found out. I’d advise them to find a way to leave.

Surely the problem is that you would know ? Having to carry that kind of secret would be far too much for me.