Unhappy marriage- how did you tell your partner?

[ThatNewReader]

I’ve been with my husband for 17 years and we have three children. I’ve been feeling increasingly more unhappy over the last 10 years or so. My husband is a really good man and he loves us so much. But he is has always struggled with anxiety and stress and is negative and often grumpy and irritable. I often feel like one of the children- being nagged and told off. I don’t fancy him anymore and we don’t laugh or seem to have any joy. We’re still intimate but this is also initiated by him and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I know he has noticed that I’ve been distant and have been avoiding spending time with him. I feel so cowardly but I can’t seem to find the strength to tell him how I feel. I know it would absolutely crush him and it feels so selfish to break up our family just because I'm not happy. But I have this dream of my own place with the children where we can be relaxed and I can feel free. He deserves to be with someone who loves him and shows affection. I know I need to be honest but I just can’t think of how and what to say and the fall out feels so overwhelming and awful. Has anyone been in this situation and is able to share how you finally told your partner? I’ve wondered about writing how I feel in a letter but this also feels quite cowardly.

This is the fifth thread you've started this year about how unhappy you feel in your marriage OP. I know you said you've split up a couple of times previously.

It's a horrible situation when you obviously don't want to hurt him but it must be time now for you to put yourself first and think of your own happiness and future.

Surely by now he must be aware of how unhappy you are? Isn't it time to take practical steps regarding your future and just sit down and talk seriously about all the issues and what your future plan is regarding separation?

Funnily enough, I've just had a conversation with a guy I am seeing about how bottling up emotions comes out sideways years down the line when, in most cases, dealing with issues as they arise only makes the couple stronger.
OP, you've kept silent for 10 years. There is no going back from this. Whatever you say now will always be taken with "where did this come from" attitude by your husband and rightly so. You do actually have to open your mouth and speak about your emotions. You are not doing anyone any favours by faking enthusiasm in your daily life or in the bedroom.
You can't sugar coat this so just say to him whatever you wrote in your post and be done with it.

This could be my post except I've been married 32 years and my DDs have left home and no sex happening.
I'm also plucking up courage to talk to my H. I'm going to ask a couple of innocent appearing questions which will lead into me telling him. I totally understand that it's not easy to pick a time
I'll be following your thread and wish you all the best.

Thank you for replying. Yes I feel silly- I’m not sure what I’m hoping for from posting again. I think I’ve been feeling quite lonely and stuck. I’ve been trying to take practical steps- by saving money and thinking about practical next steps. I just need to make a decision and stick to it for everyone’s sake.

Do you have enough money for a rental and a deposit yet, have you seen any posdibles? Or are you okay with staying in the marital home with him until it sells? Make a proper decision about what you would prefer to happen after you've had the discussion. Makes plans A, B and C.

Don't stay for the children, they will already know it's not a happy marriage. The marriage/family is already broken and has been for many years.

Stop having sex. You don't have to have sex if you don't want it, ever.

After 40 years I told my STBX that I was unhappy and that I knew he was too, and I felt it was better for both of us if we split. Then I gave him a day to think about it before we had a discussion about what we would do, eg counselling, finances, who left the marital home etc. Put it in terms of "we" and not "I".

OP - don't feel silly for posting again. You obviously are struggling. No judgment from me.

I can recommend you listen to a few podcasts to help clarify your thoughts.

The Divorce Podcast
The Divorce Survival Guide

If you’re not sure about staying or leaving consider reading
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum

If you want you want to give your marriage another go by making changes that you can start doing on your own try
The Empowered Wife
(Podcast and book)

Best of luck