Emotional affair - how to know when to end your marriage.

[Chickenhen3]

I need some advice.
How do you know when your marriage is over?
I have been messaging a coworker for a couple of months. We have become extremely close, with the messaging leading to sexual content, about what we would like to do to each other etc.
we had encounters at work, where the sexual tension was clearly there and we found it extremely hard to keep our hands off each other. We never slept together or did anything sexual, but we both wanted to.
the most we would do, is cuddle, hold hands and the occasional arse grab.
this has recently ended, as the co worker has said this isn’t fair on my husband and it’s going to escalate in to us having a full blown affair if it continues. which I understand.
my problem is, I can’t stop thinking about him and I feel like I might have fallen in love with him.
ive told my husband about the sexting and the emotional connection, and he is willing to forgive, but I can’t help but think there is something missing from my marriage for this to of happened in the first place.
I also can’t forget about the connection I had with my co worker as I feel we had an emotional connection as well as a physical. I feel like we just got each other.
I suggested a break to my husband but he is not keen on this, as he thinks I would be using it as an excuse to sleep with my co worker.
I have changed jobs this week so don’t work with the coworker anymore. But I feel like a part of me is missing when I don’t have contact with him.
I also have 2 children with my husband and know that this decision is going to be life changing for my kids and my husband.
I have started therapy in the hope it will help me unpick what I feel is missing from my marriage for this to have happened in the first place. I have been telling my husband for sometime that I don’t feel desired or wanted anymore, so that could definitely be contributing factor, as my co worker made me feel the total opposite.

I suppose what I’m asking is,
how do you know when to end a marriage?
do you ever recover from losing the other person?
is there something wrong with, for me to be thinking this way?

please don’t tell me what an awful person I am for the way I’ve treated my husband I’m already fully aware of that!

I suggested a break to my husband but he is not keen on this, as he thinks I would be using it as an excuse to sleep with my co worker.

Well he's right isn't he. You've got no respect for your husband or your marriage, so it's dead in the water. If it's not this guy it will be someone else. It's time to end it.

You don't seem invested in trying to put your affair with this man behind you.
So you really need to end your marriage now.

hi op.get reading about limerance and childhood trauma. See if that gives you some ideas to start with. First thing though is to cut all contact with this man. For YOU. Your nervous system needs to calm down and right now you’re in survival mode.

love and peace

You seem more bothered about loosing the coworker than your husband.

You need to ask yourself if you've been unhappy in your marriage before this man came into your life.

do you ever recover from losing the other person?

Have you never been hurt ever in your life by a man leaving you?
Lucky you if you've not.

He wasn't yours to lose. This wasn't a relationship. It was an 8-week flirtation based on sexual and emotional attraction. In reality it may never have had a happy ending because you didn't really know him, see his bad points, and be also dealing with the reality of a divorce and leaving your H for another man.

It's very very easy to fall for someone who seems 'perfect' but you didn't really know him and he may even be useless in bed! 8 weeks of sexting and getting emotionally close to another man is not a good enough reason to divorce if your marriage was okay-ish before you met him.

He's done the right thing by stepping away.

If your marriage is just a bit dull, for the sake of your children you need to give your marriage some effort.

Consider this- the co-worker disappears out of your life, whether he relocates to the other side of the world.

You divorce and become a single parent. You struggle financially, you don't meet another man, your ex has the kids every other weekend, they are unhappy with this new arrangement.

How does that look?

> this has recently ended, as the co worker has said this isn’t fair on my husband
> I have changed jobs this week so don’t work with the coworker anymore.

Have you considered the possibility that your co-worker enjoyed the flirtation in a work context but doesn't really want to pursue anything outside of that?

Does that change anything about how you feel WRT your marriage?

How is your marriage outside of you not feeling desired?

Did you telling your husband about that stimulate any change?

I think you need to leave your husband. I get he doesn’t want that but you seem to be pining after the co-worker. Until you let him go you can’t focus on your marriage and that’s not fair on your husband. I also think your husband may come to resent you as you don’t come across as worried to loose him just upset you don’t have contact with your affair partner.

Oh God, do NOT ruin your marriage over an eight week flirtation. You don’t really know your co-worker. The most likely explanation is that after years of being a parent and all the domestic stuff at home, your co-worker switched on the dopamine drip of heady first attraction to someone - what you must have had when you met your DH. It’s addictive because it makes you feel alive and seen again but even with your co-worker, it would only last so long before real life got in the way. Reading about limerance is a good idea.

How your marriage is and what you want to do about that is a separate issue which I personally do not think you should decide based on this experience.

Is your coworker also married? Either way you need to leave your husband so he can find a woman who will loyal and love him and him her

Do not throw your marriage away over a short flirtation.
He will forget you very quickly (co worker) and you will regret turning your life upside down for nothing.

And too be honest let your coworker go too…he obviously isn’t committed to you

How old are you OP? I know it can be tough going in your early 40s with hormones etc and wonder if this could be playing a role? The feelings you have for your coworker are lust/limerance/escapism. Not real.

THIS 🙌🏼

You're comparing apples and oranges.
You and your colleague have had the luxury of stolen moments and secrets. You've not lived in the real world with him, and both of you will have chosen to only share the highlights of your personalities with each other. You've no idea how he keeps his house, if he's sensible with money, if he is kind and caring to his friends and family, how he reacts to stress, if he's a good parent or a good partner. You've only seen the best of each other.
Your husband on the other hand has lived life with you. You've seen the worst of each other and he's still there.
It's a ridiculous comparison.
If you aren't happy in your marriage then leave it but if you're leaving because you think the colleague is a better option then you're being very foolish.
Having been in your husbands shoes I can tell you you are being very cruel too. Its one thing to want to leave its another to have pretended things are ok at home to keep the status quo whilst starting another relationship and secretly comparing the two- that's manipulation amongst other things.
I'm glad you were up front with your husband eventually but don't hurt him more over a fantasy that will likely turn out to be a disappointment when it steps into the daylight