9 years a 4 & 5 year old
Husband is massively avoidant, he cannot have conversations about emotions, it makes him uncomfortable, he cant answer questions about emotions, he struggles to gather his thoughts, express them and connect. He has no relationships outside of myself. He can ensure he never thinks of anything if he does not want to, he can block it all out, a skill i wish i had.
For years, ive been questioning if he loves me, ive sat and cried and asked and begged for clarity for attention. He never wanted to speak of our relationship, no matter how much it hurt me. So id distract myself, be his best friend, have a laugh BUT when something emotional would happen or I would need some form of support, i could no longer distract away from the pain of questioning my reality.
Our children are disabled, i work full time as does he, i do it all of course. Never an offer of help with the load, just sit in silence and watch my efforts and my struggles that I am in alone, while throwing the kids around, being dad of the year & judging my parenting choices, while im broken and struggling.
So I begged one more time, and he finally told me (he could not get the words out in full) that he does not love me, i told him to leave - he did not leave, I found comfort in my friend (male) and he made me feel supported, while i stayed in a house that felt so heavy, he said he didnt want to leave, i took this as us working things out - friend has blocked me
2 weeks later, after booking therapy for us, babysitter, i find texts of him arranging to meet a girl. A girl he was seeing before me, ive caught him texting her before, shes black and he has a black fetish.
He then proceeded to tell me he wants to meet her, and then that it was nothing and just escapism, and then that its not that deep, and then that it is - over the years hes told me 7 different names for this girl, i know nothing about her he lies and lies and lies.
Again, he said he wanted to work things out and then to my face refused to block and delete her.
The pain became to much, i attempted suicide [edited by MNHQ], he found and an ambulance was called, when home, he left me downstairs and slept like a baby, never once checking on me or asking me if im ok.
I feel robbed of my mental health, my clarity, i have adhd and I catastrophes massively, and feel overwhelming feelings of not being able to cope with my children alone all while watching him have time, freedom and choice.
He walked out last night, my kids screamed and cried begging him not to leave.
I am in so much pain - he wants to be friends, and even after my suicide attempt, he sat there smiling, chirpy even.