Peri/midlife - feels like DH is not on the same page as me any more

[justanothermidlifecrisis]

I'm 48, been married for 25 years and in the throes of perimenopause so I fully accept that this is all a contributing factor but sometimes I really don't think DH and I are on the same page any more.

I definitely go through spells of feeling so irritated by him, which I attribute to lack of 'love hormones' but they are frequent these days and wrapped up in a whole feeling of existential crisis and it's hard to separate my irrational feelings from reality.

I feel like he's hardly changed at all in 25 years - I feel like a very different person and I'm not certain he really knows me sometimes. He's mildly interested in my work and proud of recent achievements but doesn't really know what I do day-to-day, what my hopes and dreams are career-wise and never asks. I do ask about his day, and listen to endless stories about people I don't know doing things I don't really care about.

We have very different approaches to our teen DDs - he's quite strict and also when he's at home I feel like we've all got to 'look busy' - he's not a fan of just letting them chill out and do nothing. I admit I'm at the other end of things, relaxed about homework and stuff, and I want them to learn through doing or through making their own mistakes.

He's SO untidy. So untidy. Clutter everywhere and it's getting to the point I really dislike my home and it's affecting my wellbeing. I wfh too so I feel like I'm constantly using energy not to be upset by the state of our house, or triggered by the various piles of crap lying around the surfaces, stairs, hallway. This has been exacerbated by him emptying his parents house to sell it, but he's always been this way. I don't want to live in this state for the rest of my life.

I'd happily sell up and find a new place someday - I want a home with more light and windows and connection to the garden - or I'd spend money renovating and making our home lovely - he's not interested in moving (possibly ever again), and he'd be quite happy sitting with the blinds shut and living with the wallpaper that the former (elderly) owners put up before we moved in 12 years ago. We have really differing views here so we're stuck in decorating limbo.

And I actually know what you're all going to say and what we do need to do: communicate. But he is someone who cannot accept anything remotely perceived to be criticism. If I say 'this bothers me about the house' he'll hear: 'you're a shit husband and I'm unhappy about this because it's your fault' which he takes incredibly personally. I would not be surprised if he's ever diagnosed with some kind of rejection sensitivity disorder - he does have some mild ADHD traits and is very black and white about things.

Which means conversations are difficult and I find it hard to articulate my true feelings or he's defensive and can't hear anything but criticism, and there's a sour mood until I inevitably back down or attempt to patch things up.

Look, I've put the worst of him out there because it's pissing me off, but I don't want to walk away or anything like that. He's also a really good man and a good dad, I love him, we are a team - we share children, a sense of humour, we support each other, we do have a good life together... but honestly at the moment I feel like we are not in the same orbit sometimes, even with silly small things, and I worry about it getting worse as we get older, and what it will be like in a few years when the kids fly the nest and it's just us.

I just wanted to get all of that off my mind because I don't have many friends to confide in IRL, and to find out if anyone else is going through similar midlife relationship turbulence - and any advice for coming through it and out the other side.

Fucking hell did I name change and post this whilst reading other threads?!??

I always think I should probably initiate some counselling to help us communicate better. I don’t let him ‘get away’ with the wounded puppy stuff and call it out which has helped change the dynamic a bit “you know that’s not what I’m saying - I don’t need the Dobby act - I said the lawn needs sorting can you do that”

Luckily he’s not too fussed about having the odd lazy day but he can be very Sargent Major about things so again I just make a joke / call it out “oh we don’t need the Sargent major act thanks DH, give everyone a minute to chill first”

Clutter isn’t as bad here - but he has a couple of boxes in some rooms that I chuck all his shit in and I just pile his clothes into a laundry basket etc so it’s more contained.

I also have reached acceptance that if I want a tidy home I have to do a lot more work on it than he will. And that’s my choice. So I’m not resentful at least.

I just take charge of eg decorating - unless he cares enough to intervene I just crack on.

He does LOADS of stuff with and for the kids and also looks after a lot of life admin. Every time something new comes up I tend to make it his responsibility as we’re still not quite balanced in that. He loves the bones of me, I know that, and he’s also very proud of my work - but he HATES his job and can’t get his head around the fact that I love mine and want to talk about it!

The biggest thing I’ve done is just accept that I have CHOSEN to stay with him, my life is way way better than it would be without him and that massively helps the resentment.

Maybe you should try relationship counselling?

Maybe a third person to guide your communication would make it more productive and less prone to him getting all worked up.

I don't know what you can do about the untidiness unless it's to have your own spaces within the home if that's practical, eg. your home office is yours and it's preserved from being a storage space for his junk, etc.

Peri is hell for the innocent

First step might be the GP to see about your options.

My marriage didn't make it but different circs. We were on totally separate pages, it wasn't even the same book

Before couples therapy I'd say get counselling solo just to organise your thoughts

And maybe journal or make a vision board of where you want your life to go.

I knew I had to go, I just knew so it's different and the relief is immense despite the challenges

But yes losing the rose tinted haze of oestrogenny bonding definitely was a factor for me making a big change

In summary, work on you first, not because you're a problem but because you deserve it and it will help you figure out where you are now and how you want things to look, and how you might get there if that makes sense

We have really differing views here so we're stuck in decorating limbo.

That sounds like it suits him and not you. Time for some compromise.

Make a list of the things you want to do and tell him you’d like to make a plan. He will probably push back so make the point that the compromise position is to do half of them.

When he inevitably descends into “you’re saying I’m a bad person” you can use this as an opportunity to say that you don’t feel this communication dynamic is healthy and you would like to talk to a joint counsellor about it.

He has some mild ADHD traits you say? I think you do too..the wanting the DC to be constantly active and feeling the weight of clutter is classic. Your mind is cluttered so you need your environment not to be otherwise it's stressful. All exacerbated by peri.

It sounds like you dont do much together. I would t do counselling, I'd start a hobby together. Even if it's gaming or jigsaw puzzles.

Can relate though as Taylor Swift says “Im
the problem it’s me”

Dh is kind thoughtful neat and lovely but still is irritating me by doing things like coming into the kitchen when I am there. I know it’s massively unreasonable and is for me anyway peri menopause.

@FusionChefGeoff that's so helpful, I do know that my life is my life and it's up to me to decide what my attitude is towards it, I like that idea of choosing - because I do, I choose this, I just wish it was a bit different sometimes! And the resentment is definitely there. I do a lot - including all of the admin, most of cooking, organising holidays etc... it's so frustrating when I'm battling my to-do list and he's sitting on the sofa scrolling 😡 I know it's not because he's lazy, he just doesn't notice, and I've been too passive for years about pointing things out and giving him responsibility. I can't be arsed doing decorating though - I hate it. Again, I'd happily pay someone to do it quickly and well - he will never pay someone to do something he can do himself 🙄 which means it takes FOREVER.

@moderate I think I'll have to do this - start with a big plan and be prepared to meet him halfway.

@category12 thankfully I do have my own office at home, but the point is that every other room is cluttered in some way and I'm at home A LOT, I can't escape it. Every single effing one has something that is his lying around in it - because he has left it there, or because there's no storage for that thing, or he's waiting to sell it/move it/take it to work. And I'm not talking about shoes and keys, he has a large collection of large musical instruments. Every bit of storage is used in our house, and we still don't have enough - but he can't see the logic of 'if you can't fit it all, then there's too much stuff'. His parents were exactly the same, so I'm actually not surprised in many ways. And that's why we're in a worse state than ever, having taken on boxes full of their stuff too! 😖

@Monsterslam just to be clear - I'm not the one wanting the DDs to be always occupied, that's him. Far from it, as a woman who has felt the weight of always having to be busy and productive to the point of burnout I am extremely keen for my daughters to know it's fine not to always be busy, just to please other people. I want them to embrace rest and boredom and find their own entertainment, rather than having it forced upon them, and I'm trying to model that - thought it's difficult. However, your hobby suggestion is a good one - we definitely don't spend enough quality time together at the moment and there is a massive lego set waiting to be done, perhaps that's a good place to start.

@Unnomdeplume I appreciate your advice too. I'm on HRT and feel like a peri veteran at this point (maybe 5-7 years in I think?) but the life clarity thing is really coming to the fore now and I'm starting to realise what I do want and what I can no longer tolerate. I just don't know how to express it without pushing him away. Keeping on working on myself first feels sensible so that I can be sure my feelings aren't just hormonal, but are actually lasting and true.

100% relate to this too! The sound of him chewing at breakfast makes me want to throw my cereal at him. The irrational irritation factor is real! But this does feel like it goes beyond peri symptoms - more like, we're on this journey together but I'm in danger of leaving him behind because I'm evolving in a different way or something.

Would a lock-up be affordable/practical as a solution? Box it all up and shove it into a storage unit. He can then sort it at his leisure (or not).

Why did you agree to take his parents stuff or didn't you get a say in it?

One of the conditions of being in a relationship is that you relate to the other person - ie you listen to them, you compromise with them, you at least try to make their life happier and easier. If you try to bring things up to him - things that are important and affect your happiness and wellbeing - and he shuts you down with emotional manipulation (and let's be clear the whole 'you think I'm shit' act is manipulation, he does it because it works) then he has opted out of the relationship. Essentially he expect you to just do what he wants while he ignores what you want. That isn't two people partnering each other, it's one person suiting themselves while the other suffers. That's why you feel you're 'evolving in a different way' - because you realise that there really isn't a relationship as such and something within you has recognised that you don't deserve to be treated that way.

In your shoes I'd put forward a serious ultimatum - either you have a very serious talk about all the various issues, in counselling if necessary - or you walk. If he starts using his usual tactics to shut you down, you can ignore those. You have given him far too much control, over you and over the children. You desperately need to take all of that back and start actually living your life rather than just maneouvering around this selfish person.

Lock-up not an option, I've suggested that and he's not up for it. To be fair to him, he's worked his way through a lot of his parents belongings in the past year or more - it's taken a long time and has been emotional, processing grief and all of that too. What's left is mostly family photos, heirlooms etc... there's still too much IMO but it's up to him to decide what stays and goes in that respect, I think. It wasn't a case of 'agreeing' or not - we had to empty the house and sell it, the stuff had to go somewhere.

> Lock-up not an option, I've suggested that and he's not up for it.

So lock up half of it then. You seem too prepared to put up with him not compromising at all.

Why does he get to veto the idea and you have to live in the resulting clutter?