Ending relationship with your Father?

[OptimisticFather]

I'm 43. My parents divorced when I was in my teens. Sadly my mum passed away in 2007 due to alcohol struggles. I've got a wonderful 11 year old son.

My dad re-married and has a daughter and step-children. He lives 15 minutes away.

I genuinely think if I just stopped trying to engage with my dad he wouldn't care. Over the last 11 years he has seen my son maybe eight times. He has forgotten his birthday most years over the last few, and when I've reminded him after the fact he will turn up with a gift and then just disappear. For me it's not about the present, it's about engagement.

I've tried to speak to him about engaging with us, and he has said 'he is busy', 'he has his own struggles', 'his life could be short so he is doing what he wants to do'

I split from my ex partner in December and we are selling the family home. I've had one door step conversation with him and a couple of text messages since. The last one was 'hope the move goes well'. It's been a difficult time, I am struggling with life in general, and there has been no support, no offer of help, no phone call just to check in.

I would really like a father-son relationship, but it just seems like my Dad really doesn't care. He has his life, and wants to live it his way. Is it reasonable to expect that your dad wants to be part of your life, and actually spend time together? I'm not asking to see him every weekend, but would hope more than nothing...

I've tried to speak to him and I feel like I am flogging a dead horse and I need closure - so just telling him thank you and goodbye now, and just moving on with my life?

I would not say anything more to him, just drop all contact levels down to zero sum . You do not owe him anything now let alone a relationship here. Show your son good positive role models both male and female in his life.

First post. Nothing else to say.

I think you are in the same boat I'm in - my dad couldn't give a stuff about us.

I went no contact a long time ago, in my mid 20s, and now I'm 51. We are in touch again because he is 84 now and might need my help, but he is exactly the same - brief, self-focussed texts, never asking about us, never wanting to chat, always irritated unless he needs money, then I get a thumbs up emoji.

The difference is, the years I was apart from him really did make a big difference to me - I healed and came to be able to accept who he is. He has not been a 'good' dad but he is the one I've got, and I am happy that I was honest and stopped trying to force it. I no longer care or hurt or ache when I see other dads.

So that is what I advise for you too - just stop trying, let it cease. You'll then have a happier, calmer, less upset life - and you get the chance to reflect on the fact that your dad is not what you would have wanted, and probably never will be. I am sorry for the grief ahead as you come to terms with this. Some men are shit dads, some mums are shit too. They are invested with a lot but not always up to the task. It's OK to be honest about this and to focus where you are loved and wanted.

Sadly, some people are just not good parents. I'm sorry your dad is one of them. He's shown you quite clearly with his actions that you and your son are not a priority in his life - he sounds very selfish to be honest.

I think you would be better accepting who he is and not hankering after a relationship that is never going to happen. You're obviously going through a very difficult time and it's understandable that you want support from your remaining parent - but it's not something he is capable of giving. This is who he is.

Have you considered having some counselling? It could really help you get through this rough period in your life and talk about your relationship with your dad.

I’ve had no contact with the thing that is my father for 18 months now.
He’s a narcissistic bully and only now, in my 40s have I realised this.
He has no concern for anyone but himself and whichever woman is flavour of the month at that time.
He only lived 10 mins away and I wouldn’t go to the town where he lived for fear of bumping in to him when I had my DC with me. I didn’t want them to be around such a vile man.

Thankfully he recently decided to relocate hours away. Without telling any of his DC. I am relieved that I no longer need to worry about seeing him. I feel like a weight has lifted and I feel free of him for the first time in my life.

Nobody is entitled to your time/presence. If you think it’d be better for you to send him a message then do so but in my own experience, my fathers lack of interest and treatment of me was the only message I needed from him.

I made all the effort with a parent for over 20 years with almost nothing in return. No interest in me or my DC’s, never called or texted, only photos on their socials were of my siblings DC’s who they saw all the time. There was no fallout but they’re incredibly hard work and self absorbed. So I decided to stop.
That was 7 years ago. Not heard a peep in the meantime. Life is far less stressful now as I know where I stand. You may consider doing the same.

I'm sorry, it sounds like you've been through something similar :(

I could understand if it was zero contact with any of his children but that's not the case. I know he sees my half sister, and his wife's children and grandchildren more. Sometimes it makes me think I have done something wrong or a burden to him. I've got a great job that pays well, a lovely son, my life isnt perfect but I have never asked anything of him over the years. I'm self sufficient, but would be nice to have some support.

It's the closure I want and guess the lack of interest is the closure. I'd just like to know why he isn't interested...

@OptimisticFather It's not you or anything you've done; it's him. Maybe he was ashamed of abandoning you, maybe he just wasn't ready to be a dad first time around but whatever the reason, it's his to own.

Be proud that you are a better dad than he ever was.

I’ve seen this so, so many times @OptimisticFather . The first family often gets shelved in favour of the second family. The most neglectful father to the first family becomes the world’s best dad to the second.

So painful. Don’t cut him off. Grieve the father you don’t have, but leave the door open for whatever he might be able to give.

Sometimes I think that men do this to persuade themselves that they’re good dads. Compartmentalising. Plus they don’t understand that just because you’re an adult, it doesn’t mean that you don’t still feel the loss of your father and family stability. So cutting him out won’t be “closure”, in the sense that you could pretend it never happened. You’ll always feel that you missed out. At some point you might be able to come to terms with that, but acting as though / pretending he doesn’t exist won’t magic away your feelings.

How does he sound when you call him? Enthusiastic? Cheerful ?

Would it work if you went in for a lower key version of your relationship? Dial back expectations, cut back the effort you make with him to more of a token - a eg a token gift for birthday and Xmas. No rushing round on father's day.

I would match the energy. Don’t call him, drop the rope and don’t make an effort, respond to him with similar levels of engagement. Put your energy into good friends that return the care you extend to them. Sounds like he’s not a great person, pretty selfish, it’s common for second families to get all the focus - many do it because the second wife expects/demands/arranges it. If left to their own devices they would drift off and suit themselves, so don’t get hung up on it. It’s unlikely to be you. I suspect if his partner wasn’t around there would be less fuss from him over half siblings and stepkids too. And if you reduce contact, you won’t be missing your dad, you’ll be missing the dad you should have had. You deserve better.

He sounds okay, like there hasn't been two months without any contact.

I'm not sure I can get any lower key - only saw him once for coffee in 2025, and one door stop conversation when I dropped off my sons christmas present. I've not seen him this year, and a handful of messages. I've offered to pop round etc, but never takes me up on it.