DH behaviour changing and not for the best.

[Isitgoingtogetworse]

Things with my husband are really shit at the minute, probably the worst it’s been in 15 years

He has never been physically or mentally abusive, sometimes he says things that upset me but rarely.

On Saturday I done something that annoyed him (made a mess and forgot to clean it up) and he went absolutely crazy screaming and shouting at me. I left the house to walk the dog and my kids said after I left he was slamming cupboard doors and kicking things.

On Sunday he and our youngest had lunch in the car as we were at an activity with my eldest and my youngest refused to eat her lunch so he snapped a clothes hanger in front of her out of rage.

I’m not scared of him but I have never seen this side of him. My father was physically abusive towards me as a child and I always said if my husband done anything like that I would leave. He hasn’t actually hurt our children but he scared them and I don’t know what to do. I feel this is so much more than just shouting.

I of course have lost my temper with the kids but never to the extent of breaking things

Have you tried talking to him about his temper outbursts OP at some point when he is a bit calmer?

Honestly if he is frightening the children then this situation can't go on. Breaking things and kicking the furniture is one step away from taking his anger out physically on the children or you. And shouting abuse is not acceptable.

If he can't or won't talk about what is going on and if he won't accept help for his anger issues I think you need to ask him to leave until he sorts himself out.

And if you are too afraid to talk to him
you should seek help from Women's aid or the National Domestic Abuse helpline or similar.

My father was physically abusive towards me as a child and I always said if my husband done anything like that I would leave. He hasn’t actually hurt our children but he scared them and I don’t know what to do.
You have answered your own question before you asked it in this paragraph.

This sounds serious OP. He has scared your children and screamed and shouted at you over something trivial. From what you say this seems to be out of character so l would be concerned about the sudden change. Can you talk to him and see if anything else has happened and whether he is under pressure in some way? This behaviour is of course unacceptable and if he carries on l'd be looking to leave with the children as it's not fair on them to witness this.

We don’t get much time to talk, we both work and if we’re not at work we have the kids. My youngest told me about the broken clothes hanger a couple hours after it happened and I spoke to him that night when I had a spare minute and told him don’t ever think about doing something like that again and told him he scared her, he looked embarrassed.

On the Saturday when I got home from the dog walk and my children told me he had been angry while I was away I told him how scared the children had been and he said he didn’t give a shit.

I think I’m scared that by having a serious conversation and putting everything on the table it’s going to be the end of things.. which is probably for the best

Yes it's a horrible situation for you OP
But better the relationship ends than live like this.

You’ve married another version of your father who was and likely has a propensity still to threaten being violent. No one bothered to protect you from all that from him when you were a child but present day you have a choice as a mother to your dc.

You have a choice re this man and your kids do not.
Make choices with both their and your future emotional wellbeing in mind.

What are these kids going to remember the most about their childhood if you stayed with their volatile dad?. This type of familial dysfunction can go down the generations so it needs to stop now. Do seek
legal advice re all aspects of divorce and contact Womens Aid; both can help you.

He does not act like this in front of his work colleagues or to people in the outside world does he?. No this treatment of you is reserved solely for you and in turn the kids who are also seeing domestic abuse at first hand. They need to be taught also that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and that you are not some rehab center for such a badly raised man. These types of men hate women, ALL of them.

Op, this sounds awful. He can't be acting out and scaring the kids like that. If it was an isolated incident born of severe stress, I could overlook it, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

He’s hurting them op make no mistake. He’s also hurting you. Abuse is about power and control and your msn wants absolute here over you and your dc.

Abuse is not a relationship issue and nor is it about communication or a perceived lack of. Plan your exit from this abusive marriage asap and with due care; your safety is of paramount importance.

I told him how scared the children had been and he said he didn’t give a shit.

That's an answer.

I always said if my husband done anything like that I would leave.

It's tempting to let boundaries slide, but really, do you want to wait until he physically hurts them? And when it comes to it, what if it's "just" a slap? Where does the boundary move to? And where after that?

I'm afraid there is no chance of him changing unless he acknowledges there's a problem, actually cares about the impact it's having, and takes proactive steps by himself to fix it. Momentary embarrassment or remorse doesn't count by the way. Plenty of men feel a little bad about something, but they still repeat it because they just don't care enough.

This sounds like a gradual escalation towards this behaviour for well over a decade, which must feel disorientating for you. Unfortunately, I do think many men change for the worse in this regard as they get older - they become increasingly bad tempered and impatient. It's a shame your children have to be afraid of him too.

OP, men generally often start behaving like this when they have something to hide.

It could be an addiction like gambling or online pornography etc, or an affair.

I'm really sorry for you as this makes it worse not better, but it's highly unlikely this comes out of nowhere.
It's extremely common for men with affair partners to start behaving awfully around the home so they can then gaslight their partners, distract them from the realy problem, and then blame them for a separation.

Thanks all for the replies

I know what I need to do. It doesn’t help that my parents have sadly stayed together despite my mum being so unhappy and my husbands parents stayed together before they passed for convenience, not out of love.

For that reason I know my husband will never be the one to leave me, it has to be me. I’m going to feel so much guilt because when he’s good he’s so good, but I can’t deal with his behaviour towards me or my kids anymore

You’ve got to have the conversation. I would say myself don’t make any decisions until you’ve heard from him what he thinks is going on. Can you both take a day off work and talk?

The when he is good he is good is actually the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. Again, he does not treat his work colleagues like this.

The first step out is often the hardest one to take but take it you must.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Be the so called bad guy and plan your exit from this abusive marriage with due care and attention.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not
Do not be like your own mother who chose to stay with her man for her own reasons. She failed you in doing that and both your parents have failed you.

Do contact Womens Aid and get legal advice from a local firm of solicitors. Your msn is not going to make the whole process of divorce at all straight forward because he is abusive and wants to punish you. He will remain as abusive post divorce too. Such men hate women , all of them.

Nasty, intimidating, abusive behaviour in front of your child, how scared she must have been. He might not be physically hitting their bodies, but it's hitting their souls.

Not that this is an excuse, but do you think he could be abusing coke/steroids? These things don't cause abusers to become abusive on their own, but they can lower the threshold.

Please contact Women's Aid, I'm not sure how discussing this will help further, he has made it clear he doesn't give a shit. I think you and your children will have a bright future without this bastard dragging you all down.

He knows what he is doing here and he does not care about you and or the kids. He is very much a product of his own abusive upbringing and he’s told you already he does not give a shit.

Do you think he feels guilt here, no not a bit of it snd guilty feelings you have re separating from
him are totally misplaced. No one bothered to protect you from seeing domestic violence in your childhood sadly but you are a parent now and you have a choice to make. I would urge you to not do as your own mother has done.

Tonight my daughter was sat on the kitchen unit and he walked in and saw her and the look of fright on her face was awful, I don’t know if I’m only noticing it now she has told me.

He asked her to get off, thankfully didn’t shout.

I need to do something asap.

Hey OP .
In 15 years he has never given you any reason to be concerned, you said he’s rarely said anything even to upset you .
Then Saturday he basically goes crazy, & Sunday another outburst with your daughter.
There is something wrong , you need to talk to him & find out what it is .

And yes you are right op. You do need to do something. Doing nothing here is not an option for you or your kids.

Your kids and you need to live in an abuse free home. Teach your children the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You've married your dad OP. These sorts of patterns get repeated subconsciously.

But yes you need to leave him.