Am I the problem?

[Loo13]

For anyone that takes the time to read this, thank you🙂

I have been with my partner for 19 years. We have two daughters aged 11 and 7. We have always had a turbulent relationship. I have always felt like I am more invested in it than he is.

He has had issues with gambling in the past, with my paying off debt collectors for him. Even when I’d catch him gambling again, he would in some way turn it around so it’s my fault for snooping.

He has never really put me or the girls first, choosing to play golf or go out with friends rather than spending family time with us. He just says that’s how he is. I am very family orientated, being brought up by great parents. To me, family comes first. I have always had my own set of friends etc but since having the girls I prefer spending most of my time with them.

We used to live in a rough part of London, when our youngest daughter was about to turn 1, I decided I would like to move away to the coast. He was initially reluctant but agreed it was best for our family. My parents decided they would like to move away too, so we all decided to buy a house together and live there for a couple of years until we could save enough money to buy our own house.

So this is where I make a huge mistake. I started to get attention from someone else, just started as innocent chatting then developed into a more flirty nature. Anyway he found the messages and hit the fan obviously. I didn’t deny it, I owned what I did and he chose to stay with me. The thing is I know why I did what I did, this other person made me feel valued, wanted and like I was worth something. He has never made me feel that way. It’s no excuse and I’m not excusing it, it’s just the reason I made a mistake.

This was 4 years ago now and he still decides to remind me how awful I was and how terrible I am. I accept what he says but when we are talking and I try to explain how his behaviour has made me feel he just says the same thing ‘well it’s nothing compared to what you’ve done to me’.

he does nothing with the girls, absolutely nothing. I work a full time job, he works 4 days with a mate. When I’m off I spend all my time doing housework and looking after the girls. When he is off he does nothing at all. Sometimes when he comes home from work he doesn’t even acknowledge our kids. It makes me so sad.

Things now are so much worse, he has told me I’m boring, let myself go and should have left 4 years ago. He has also said he will take me to court for 50/50 custody of our girls because I’m not trustworthy. He has said the reason he has not asked me to marry him in 19 years is because he’s never thought I’m the right person. He talks badly to me in front of our girls and has openly said he doesn’t love me but he won’t leave the house because why should he leave.

My question is, he basically is nasty one day to me, then the next day acts like everything is fine. Tells me he wants to leave, then says he wants sex. I don’t know where I stand anymore and can feel myself becoming progressively more sad about it all. I’m not strong when it comes to him. I don’t know why but I’m just not. I feel like maybe he is right, maybe it’s my fault, because of what I done.

I just feel stuck, stuck in a house with him, stuck because I don’t know where to turn.

You’ve been with him 19 years, are the mother of his children and he doesn’t think you are his person?? Wow.

What a fucking prince! Seriously you should dump this selfish arse of a man, you and your girls deserve better. Oh and there isn't a snowballs chance in hell that he will really want 50/50 custody, its far more likely that he will have a new woman 5 minutes after you split and you won't see him for dust.

Yeah I think you need to leave him
and if he wants 50/50 so be it but chances are, since he does nothing to help already he probably wo

Let's set aside for the moment the question of who's most at fault. That's just point-scoring and subjective.

Nothing, nothing you've written makes it sound like this relationship is anywhere close to functional, let alone happy and healthy.

This is what you're showing your children relationships are like - two people who don't even seem to like each other but are staying together and making each other miserable because they haven't got around to either fixing their relationship or realising it's too far gone and ending it.

You've had 19 years of this. You are who you are and he is who he is. After all this time it's unlikely that either of you are suddenly going to have a massive change of personality that would magically make you well-suited to each other so your choice is either to accept that if you want to stay with him then this is what the rest of your life will look like, or to let him go and see what your life could be if you didn't have him around.

If he couldn't move on from it, he shouldn't have stayed. So no, him treating you like this now is not your fault.

It doesn't sound like he was much better before anyway! Like you said, his behaviour was the reason you had your head turned. You should have left him then (before any emotional affair), he should have left when he found out about it, and you should both think about what this is doing to your kids and separate now.

He sounds awful, I'm not sure why you've put up with him so long. Its not good for your daughters to see this behavior and think it's acceptable from a partner. Yes, messaging someone else was wrong - but you should have left him long ago.

Why aren’t you leaving?

No it's obviously not you, he sounds like a massive arsehole. You have stayed far too long with a man who treats you like shite and doesn't bother with his children. Your girls are growing up with this shitshow as their example of an adult relationship - they are looking and learning from you what to accept from a man.

You know you need to leave, for you and your girls. He may talk big about 50/50 care but in reality he's unlikely to pursue it - he's too selfish and lazy. Call his bluff and tell him that when you split, you're looking forward to him doing his fair share of childcare for a change - I guarantee you, he won't bother.

Stop letting him put you down and start standing up for yourself. You're not married so don't have to divorce which is a plus. Can you go and stay with your parents? Do you need to sell the house, is it jointly owned? Start sorting out your finances and make it clear to him that you've had enough and it's over.

You do know where you stand. You do.

There's no chance that a man who can't even raise a smile at his DC when he comes home from work will do 50/50 in reality. He's using that as a tool to manipulate you.

What's your current housing situation?

Wow, he sounds horrible. You deserve to be valued and cherished and so do your children. This is not a great lesson for your daughters who will be affected by his disrespect towards you also. Please make plans to end the relationship and get the support you need from friends and family to do this!

honestly I think I’ve stayed because I feel bad on the girls. I wanted to have a family and now I feel like I’ve wasted all this time on someone who really wasn’t cut out to be a partner or dad. I’m 41 now and kick myself for staying for so so long.

Im also scared of his reaction, he turns nasty when I have an opinion on anything. The other issue is we share a house with my family, my parents put in a big deposit for our house here and me and him got a mortgage for the rest, that’s why he won’t leave.

Do your parents see him treating you like this?
It sounds like you must be close and they would support you if he left. Could you join together and buy him out?
You aren’t replicating the happy home you had when young, your children will be taking this all in.

Can you and your parents buy him out @Loo13 ?

Alternatively, sell the house and split the equity. You and your parents could buy another place together.

What is in the relationship for you?

Yes they see a lot, my mum especially as she is here all of the time. My dad works away Monday-Friday. I know they want me to tell him to leave and that they will support me when it comes to the house and have said they will buy them out.

I know it’s shallow but I also worry about finances, I have got a lot of debt now due to bailing him out and with him gone I will need to pay all the mortgage, bills, debts etc 😔

Well you know where you stand. He's made his feelings towards you (and his children) crystal clear. If you stay & tolerate this miserable relationship, that's on you I'm afraid. He won't change. Sorry.

If he stays you are going to get into even more debt.

Really OP? Are you the problem?? The only problem you have is that man and you need to stop listening to his claptrap and get as far away from him as possible as soon as you can and on a permanent basis.

You have parents who will buy him out and you choose to stay with him????? Yes you are the problem.

He had a choice to split before you upped sticks and moved to the coast, but he didn't and it sounds like he’s now bitter and twisted he didn’t and taking it out on you.

likewise you also had a choice to split before making the move.

You say your parents will buy him out? Take the offer if it’s there.

Put your shame, guilt, whatever to one side, this is about you and ultimately your children who clearly deserve better.

Your parents know the situation so turn to them and work out how, with their support, you can get him out of the house. There will be a way!
Yes, you did wrong re the flirtation but it was clearly due to his poor treatment of you and if he couldn't forgive you then he should have left years ago. Instead he's made you pay ever since!
Verbally abusing you in front of your daughters is disgusting and terrible for them to witness.Your parents must see and hear it too and it must be distressing for them to see their daughter treated like this. Please seek their help and support to get him out.

If living with your parents is working and they are willing to buy him out, can you put that to him. I'm presuming the individual financial contributions (ie their deposit) was ring-fenced?

Don't worry about him saying he wants 50/50, if he doesn't do anything now and enjoys all the time he has to himself, what makes you think it would change?

My son's father used to say that when I was pregnant. He ended the relationship when I was 30 weeks pregnant. My son is 27 and he's never even met him let alone gone for 50/50! They rarely do.

Sunken costs fallacy, the situation will only get worse whilst he is involved plus your are miserable. Rid the plaster off and get him gone. It’s better for your girls that they don’t see you in an abusive relationship- how would you feel if they were in your situation in 25 years? You are living with your parents so there will never be an easier time to do this. Likely he will fuck off back to london so won’t get 50/50 anyway.

I know I need to be brave and just tell him to leave. I’m almost at the point that I wish he would find someone else and leave for her.

im lucky that I have such supportive parents, my concern is he tells us to sell the house to be spiteful as we all love it here and the girls are settled.

Go to a solicitor and get some legal advice based on what he'd likely be awarded if he took you to court for a settlement, then you know what you're working with instead of imaginary fears. You can then tell him you're ending the relationship, give him a date to move out and a settlement figure, taking into consideration the debts you have already cleared.

If your parents have offered to and have the means to help you get him to leave, then take it. Get legal advice before you give him a penny. Your dad works five days a week, is he not able to help you with the bills and the mortgage?

It sounds like you're being held hostage because he pays half the mortgage and the bills, and he might force you to sell the house. Do you know if this is a likely or even possible outcome? I would really strongly suggest that you start to arm yourself with the facts in order the five people that are suffering in this situation into a better position. You are the key to this, but you are going to need to take control rather than staying passive, or another 19 years of misery will roll by and your parents will see out their days watching their daughter and GC be treated like this.

Of all the women who post on here feeling trapped in terrible relationships with terrible men, you’re in just about the most advantageous position to do something about it.

You already have a living set up that includes your parents, so you have their support and your girls have a stable family situation with or without this fucking waste of space. Sounds very much like you’re with him through guilt and obligation - like your indiscretion means you ‘owe’ him the opportunity to endlessly berate you and treat you like shit - because staying with him ‘for the sake of the children’ makes no sense at all. When he’s not threatening to take them away (as if!), he completely ignores them and brings nothing positive to their lives, and presumably they see and hear him treating you badly. If your parents have also offered to buy him out, you’re home free, surely?

Like PPs have said, he’ll bounce back to London and into another relationship in a shot (who knows, maybe that lucky lady will finally be the one the poor guy has apparently been waiting for all these years when he was building a life and a family with you). He may try to go for 50/50 out of spite, but he’ll drop that rope pretty quickly when he realises how much effort it takes in reality.

Your one and only precious life is too short to spend shackled miserably to someone who doesn’t even like you. No age is too late to free yourself, but you’re only 41. What are you waiting for?