How do you grieve the relationship of someone really important who is still alive?

[99problems9]

I’ve come to the conclusion sadly and the acceptance that I will never ever have the relationship I need with my mum.

What do you do with a relationship once you’ve come to this?

Keep a polite distance if possible

Be sad about it

Recognise other positives in your life

Decide what works best for you re this person - will you feel better if you see them less? Then do that

Move on with your life, focusing on the good relationships you do have

What about my children? I believe my mum
is toxic (absolutely for me) but what about them?

I think it depends on what your relationship is like now and what you feel you need from her that you aren't getting. If it's generally okay but you don't feel she gives you enough emotional or practical support, but she's not negative towards you then try and enjoy what you do have.

If she's toxic and goes out of her way to hurt you then keep your distance.

Edited as cross posted with you. If she's toxic then do what you can to protect your kids. Anything from short supervised visits, low contact or no contact. Depending on what she's like and what you can manage.

I know this word is used so often but I think something is wrong with her. I think she is a narc. She lives on cloud cuckoo land. She is as cold as a fridge. Anything negative and she’s out of there or point blank changes the subject. She has dismissed my children’s allergies because we don’t have issues in our family. We aren’t allowed to have issues at all with anything but especially her.

i stopped trying to find reasons or diagnoses and just took a practical view of whether I thought the relationship benefited my child or not, and in what way. It took me a long time to get to grips with what having my dad did for/to me, but having seen the way he behaved to my 2 year old son, I just at that point decided to spend zero effort maintaining a relationship between them. I would never have actively got in the way - he could have written to him, phoned him, FaceTimed him, travelled to visit him - but he didn’t do any of that once I stopped facilitating it. And since my son was obviously my priority, I stopped going out of my way to maintain a relationship between my dad and me either. I did visit, infrequently, and frankly I counted the minutes and gave myself a treat after seeing him. None of that was very cheerful but my dad was probably quite badly damaged in some ways. I just lost interest either in why or in trying to make up for it.

My mum was always distant and self involved. I learned pretty early on that she would not put herself out for me. I maintained a superficial friendliness but found other people in my life to support and encourage me, because she was never going to do that.

Think of yourself and your children, OP, would it be easier to just be superficially friendly towards her or would it hurt less to go LC?

I have kind of tried to be superficial but I am having problems knowing that this is fake. It grates me that her and others think we are ok when we certainty are not.

Give yourself time. I’ve been through the same with my mum. Eventually I settled down into our new, superficial relationship and she doesn’t upset me now (though she still says/does things that would definitely had upset me previously). It just washes over me now because I don’t hope for, or expect anything different.

She used to have a good relationship with my DCs but now they’re adults she doesn’t really bother with them. I think she was jealous of my relationship with them, so she used to make a real effort to be fun Grandma (a side to her I’d never seen!) because she wanted to be their ‘favourite’. I don’t know, I’ve given up trying to analyse her.

She is who she is, and I can’t change her. I just accept that she’s very damaged and know that I’m no longer a little girl who needs her love and validation. I have compassion for her.

I agree with @Nevermind17 mine sounds very similar and I pity her which is in replacement of actual love. It now works for me but yes it is a grieving process, especially when you see others really having affirming and positive loving relationships with their mothers.

Lots and lots of therapy

If we were just neighbours it would be fine but there are certain conditions attached to being a parent and she can’t do them. I’ve tried being someone she has noticed but it’s not me, she just isn’t capable and it’s sad. I would never behave like this to my kids. She is doing the pick me dance with my kids and it is just infuriating me now.

I went NC with my whole family. It was just too toxic and damaging for me to be around them. I was just a stress toy for them I think - all of their frustrations were fully taken out on me. When other people talk about their mums it almost feels alien to me. The way they feel loved and supported and all of the happy memories. It’s like a relationship that never happened in my life, but I did have a mum in name. She just was cold, vindictive and spiteful and not like any other persons mum I knew.

To answer your question - how do you grieve the relationship of someone still alive - well, if your mother is anything like my mother you are already doing that and have probably been doing it your whole life! It’s something you just learn to live with.

You need to start viewing your relationship with your mother more selfishly. If you are getting something reduce contact, if all it brings you is misery then cut contact. No contact isn’t easy. It really is like they are dead but you know they are still alive. The main pro is you don’t have to see them again, the biggest con though is if you bump into her on your travels or if she’s the type who will turn into a harassing stalker if you push her away. Mine did.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

If she is too toxic or otherwise too difficult for you to deal with, it is the same deal for your children as well. They also need to stay away from her.

Read Toxic parents by Susan forward and look at or post on the current Well we took you to stately homes thread on these Relationships pages.

Anyone who didn't deserve me certainly wouldn't get the pleasure of my children.

This is how I feel but I can’t tell if that’s just me being bitchy. She isn’t openly horrible to them, in contrast she is OTT. But then they are being conditioned to accept the same kind of relationship as I have been I am sure. She wants the benefit and the attention of you but on her terms and those terms are cold and self absorbed.

Your mum sounds very similar to mine, especially the bit you wrote

' it grates me that her and others think we are ok when we are certainly not.'

That's exactly how I feel with my mum. She thinks/thought we had a good relationship, but it was only because I compromised or pretended things were ok when they weren't. We had a big bust up several months ago now and I know a lot of what I said is a shock to her as she couldn't and still can't see it. She's made up her own narrative and that's all she will believe.

I tried to let her have a relationship with my DC but as they got to teens she (and my dad) tried their manipulative behaviour on them. This was one of my reasons for breaking contact completely. My DC wants nothing to do with them as they have seen first hand what they are like. It's strange tho as to a lot of people they seem like reasonable people.

And no its not you being bitchy.

Again if she is too toxic etc for YOU to deal with, it's the SAME deal for the kids too. I note without much surprise she treats them OTT and she will indeed harm them in ways not too dissimilar as to how you have been harmed by her.

I agree, you Grieve for a 'Mother' rather than the random person you got given. Be prepared when she does die that you may feel more than you expected. I thought I'd grieved my Mother in my mid 20s (during dome excellent counselling). She actually died when I was 54, after many years low contact (although I was the only one who helped her as she died) & it was difficult. Four years down the line, I am out the other side. I just wish she'd taken less of my life away.
Best of luck with it (& yes, she will treat your children as she did you, in time) x

One day at a time.

I’ve just found out she has been helping someone in the street she lives with their child weekly. I don’t get any help. See this is what really grates me, we are the ones who want help but she isn’t doing it for us, her actual family. We have to self sufficient. But everyone thinks she is amazing. I want to stay away because otherwise I’ll blow up and I’ll look like the bad one.

My mum cut me off in 2020. After my dad died I tried to help and support her. She became very bitter and resentful. She fell out with all her family years before this and then my sister. I knew I would be next but it happened over me trying to help her get over my dad dying which I didn’t expect. She told me I was annoying her and couldn’t be bothered with me annymore. And that was it. I have no idea how a mum can do this. I could never do this to my children. My mum was born in the 1940’s so very old fashioned. Ignoring someone was seen as badge of honour. She would proudly tell you she could hear a grudge for a very long time. And she does. I have no idea if she is dead or alive. I have to prioritise my own family and mental health. But the rejection hurts. And doesn’t just end there. It goes back to my childhood and how she affected my upbringing and relationships with her comments and lack of support. I just focus on trying not to be her as a parent yo my children and trying to be positive in every way I can. It’s very hard though.

That’s terrible. To be fair it’s pretty much the same as what I’ve been through only she walked out emotionally .(actually she never showed up emotionally). Some parents just aren’t cut out for it. I have two young kids and it’s hard to always show up emotionally all the time but at least I try everyday.

If she's toxic for you, she's too toxic for your kids. You have to protect them from her.