Has having a baby killed our relationship?

[ThatCyanFish]

My husband and I have been married for three years, together for six, and recently I’m struggling in the relationship. Our son is 11 months old and is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I do feel things have got harder since she came along.

My biggest issue is how functional our relationship is, we don’t laugh together or chat about nothing, every conversation is about plans, logistics, house/life admin etc. He’s been away for a few days recently and all the messages we’ve exchanged have been so surface level “hope you slept well!”, “have a nice day!”, “hope you have a relaxing evening” etc. It’s exhausting!! I feel like these are the messages you send to a colleague or someone you’re being very polite to, not your wife!

In addition, we’ve had sex once since the baby was born. There’s just no spark or romance! He’s very lovely and tells me he loves me nd I look nice etc, but it’s said SO frequently and casually it’s almost become insincere. For example I’ll walk downstairs in my pjs, hair not brushed etc and he’ll tell me I look nice today and without even having looked at me. It infuriates me because it’s like he’s just saying it because what he thinks he should say, rather than with any genuine meaning.

So to sum up, what on Earth do i do to improve things?! I love him, but can’t carry on with how things are. I want a husband, not a coparenting colleague!!

You need to make an effort, on both sides to improve.
It’s easy to basically have no relationship with a baby.
It sounds like him always going out of his way to compliment you is his way of trying to bridge this gap with you.
You say you can’t carry on how things are but what have you actually done to address it?
Having sex one time in almost a year is extreme. Part of marriage is a physical relationship, you feel like colleagues because you’re acting like colleagues.

Following with interest as I’m in a very similar situation. I hear my partner laughing on calls when he’s WFH and think that he never laughs like that with me any more.

This is very normal. It simply takes time and a bit of patience and understanding from both of you. You have to manage your expectations. Things after children will simply not be like they were before. This is why you have to make the most of the pre-baby years to build your relationship for the lean times.

I’d say it took about 2 years for things to start feeling like they were anywhere close to heading back to normal. Counter to what the PP above said, I don’t think it’s at all unusual to not have much sex that first year. Many parents are bed sharing and by the time baby is settled, you need to get to sleep yourself to get through the night. Not everyone has a granny to takes baby for an overnight every Friday. Most of us are just trying to scrape 20 minutes to have a shower, and don’t have £50 for a weekly babysitter. You both need sleep and your body needs to recover.

Things will not be like they used to be. They’ll be a new normal, but you just have to hang in there with each other til you get there.

I agree, this will pass! Can you two find10 miss to talk about it? And think of some things you can do together that you will both enjoy, even with the baby, eg if you liked to go clubbing there are bring your baby club events in some places, or bring your baby comedy, or you could take the baby to a favourite park or other location together?

Just talk about it, communication is key.

We still have a laugh but the circumstances had to change, no more nipping out for cocktails.

DS is an adult now, he always says you two are really odd but suit each other, we still have a laugh together plus share hobbies. I think love is the easy bit it’s all hormones and gazing at sunsets together and buying new underwear, it’s liking them and having fun long term thats hard.

It’s liking doing the same things that seems how my friends relationships have survived. My mate and her DH are always off to live music events and both love football. DH and I love hill walking and gaming both console and board gaming. DS and his GF both love sport of all types and history, when he found out she liked WW2 documentaries and played Minecraft he was delighted. They have built a little Minecraft world together.

Go on a date, is there a comedy club near to you?

Having a kid is like throwing a hand grenade into your relationship. It’s normal to feel what you’re feeling. It’s not great but it’s normal.

I found it got easier when I went back to work (not amazing but better) and it gradually gets a bit better as they become a bit more independent, a bit bigger. It was probably 2-2.5 before I felt like we’d found our groove again. Things like is baby is sleeping, fussy eater are all going to play into it, so it’s not a case of you wake up on their second birthday and everything is fine.

If you can get someone to look after baby, it helps if you can have a date. You’ll be reminded that you do quite like each other. Yes it’ll go back bit when you get home but you just need that initial spark and then build from there. You will still find yourself slipping into this because life is exhausting, having kids is exhausting but as they get bigger it becomes easier to then have some time alone - both take a day off while they are in childcare/school, get a babysitter etc.

The sad thing is, we have been on several dates: meals out, gigs, even a weekend away. We have a baby that sleeps amazingly, is a very happy and relaxed personality so I can’t even blame it on sleep deprivation etc.

And you don’t try to have conversations about anything other than logistics?
Your OP made it sound like the only thing you had time for was parenting.
Its so easy to slip into onto talking about your DC when you’re without them but you need to make a conscious effort not to.
Could you start a hobby or a project together?
Maybe even both listen to the same podcast and it’s something to that about.

Are you back at work?

Do you feel appreciated/ like the parenting dynamic is even?

What was your relationship like before? Were your romantic expectations aligned?

Don’t forget that you have changed too, talk to him and try not to be accusatory.