Trauma bond

[Firstmom264]

bit of context… I’m a solo parent to a 10 year old boy, just been me and him since he was 4 months old.
4 years ago I met my boyfriend.. instant connection, fireworks, passion, couldn’t ask for more. After 9 months he met my son but seemed nervous & shy. After 18 months he still hasn’t met my family, came up with every excuse in the book but I let it slide. He hardly spent time with my son (only came over once he was asleep) once again, I thought it was just still ‘fresh’… & then the arguments started, any time we would argue he’d threaten to leave me, cheat, tell me how worthless I am. Which was usually followed by me crying, feeling belittled, and then followed by a huge apology from him. One day he could be all over me, the next he’d be off, constantly feeling on edge around him & that’s how the cycle has gone, constantly made to feel guilty if I don’t answer my phone, if I’m out with family (which he still hasn’t met), if I don’t want sex i get told that ‘any other woman would’. I’m at the point now where I need to leave. I tried to before but the verbal abuse I got from it was awful, so bad that I caved in and went back. But I know it’s time to end it. He doesn’t suspect anything but I need out and I need it soon. Has anyone else broken a trauma bond? I wish I was strong enough to just say ‘I’m done’ and that’s it but I’m scared. We have no children or ties to each other so once it’s done it is done.

Well done on not letting him move in with you, easier to get rid of. If he calls you worthless he's a worthless piece of shit.

I had limerance with a total lunatic. The guy was unhinged and i knew it butvwas obsessed.

Do it in a moment of strength. Send a text and be really clear it's done toy want no comms theres nothing to say.

I did this and went absolutely cold turkey.
be willing to threaten and to actually call the police if he does anything other than quietly fuck off (i had to do this and he left me alone fairly quickly)
...

It sounds exhausting.

Don’t get too down the rabbit hole of trauma bonding etc. This just needs action. Choose your moment and do it. Then as a pp said do whatever you need to do to make him go away, even if that is logging his response with the police.

With distance the ties will drop.

God. What a repugnant man.

I am so glad he never met your son. I’m sure he would be vile to him too.

I hope you can dump him and block him forever. And then breathe deeply with relief.

What are you afraid will happen when you tell him it's over OP? Are you concerned that he will harass you by bombarding you with messages? Or that he will come to your home and bang on the door?

You need to have some contingency plans in place to deal with his reaction - I would message him that the relationship is over and explicitly say, don't contact me again. Then I would block him on all platforms. Get a ring doorbell and set it up before you dump him so that if he comes to your house to harass you, you will have a recording of it. If you feel unsafe or threatened, call the police.

You need to do this and stick to it. This is a nasty man and you don't want him in your child's life or yours. What would you say to a friend who's partner was behaving like him? Ask your friends for support, make some plans to fill your time in the next few weeks so you've not got too much time on your hands to think about him.

30 days no contact to start with.

Sending love 💐

@Firstmom264, you must end this destructive relationship and stick to that decision. You owe it to yourself and your dear son. You cannot be the best mother to him as long as you are turned inside out in this toxic relationship with this abuser. Access IC if you need that support and involve the police if he harasses you.

You can do this, @Firstmom264.

Do you have family you could stay with when you dump him then he can’t actually get in contact? It’s great you’re getting rid but please be careful.

My DD is in a TB, it has been a nightmare gone on for years. We just try to be there for her but she's so attached to the monster. Wasted so many years of her young life. Please get away and stay away.

For the sake of your son…. End it.

Surely that is sufficient motivation to do so

Multiple threads about this horror show of a relationship

How did you manage to get to the point you wanted Out?

Excellent advice here - prioritise yourself and your son - there is no place for him in your life.

I just KNEW he was a lunatic.
He had some vendetta against his next door neighbour and would put thrash metal on and go out for the day.
He would purposefully wake the guy at night.
He exhibited controlling behaviour of me (what to wear / eat / do)
Told me he wanted an open relationship because he thought id leave him.

It's insane /embarassing writing it down...

I left his house one weekend and just texted to say "we shouldnt do this anymore please dont contact me" he went OFF. The. Hook.
After 48 hours of pleading and abuse (I was called a rude little pig, a selfish whore...) I messaged him and said if he sent me one more message I'd email him at his work email outlining what had happened / he had said and done. His choice.
(I knew he was already being investigated by his HR team)

Never heard from him again...

God what low point that was.

Somewhat predictably he worked for a shitty red top and now works with no 10. NICE!

Sounds horrific, glad you got out. My DD is in a TB with an absolute low-life. She knows he is, he can barely function in society and completely abuses her. She keeps going back to him. Really hoping one day she can break away. She’s only 20 and been going on since 14. She has no life at all.

Oh god that's 6 years....
I was involved woth that clown for 6 weeks and it was too long

Can you afford to get her therapy?
Does she know its bad?

She wouldn’t entertain therapy. Yes she does know it’s bad, she just works to give him money. He doesn’t work, never has. He’s barely literate. Never taken her anywhere (not even McDonald’s). He just screams at her, kicks her out, cheats.
You wouldn’t put them in the same room.