To chase a deeper connection or just be a good team for the children

[Queenie678]

I’ve been with my partner for 13yrs, unmarried (mid-late 30’s). Have a 15 month old and I’m now 22 weeks pregnant (unplanned) with baby number 2.

Over the past 5-6yrs we have been preoccupied with renovating our current house. Trying to get pregnant with our first, x2 failed IVF attempts (ended up conceiving naturally). Got a puppy with all associated work when we thought we’d never be able to have children. I think these life distractions may have been masking issues with our romantic connection for longer than I have realised.

Partner has never been great with giving affection or being romantic. I guess I pretended to myself things would get better or it wasn’t an issue early on, but it’s caught up with me now. I’m the one to organise date nights, trips away, surprises etc. and 99% of the time initiate sex (every few weeks or so), sometimes advances are rejected. Reflecting while writing this, he actually doesn’t initiate anything to connect with me at all or even to show appreciation for 99% of the house work I do beyond a thank you. I do get the customary Valentine’s Day flowers and anniversary card which have become so predictable that it’s annoying. I have now just started to reduce the things I do for him because I get nothing in return.

He’s a nice person and a good dad when he’s around. He has a very high paying job which has become increasingly demanding, working late and weekends. Any free time we have once baby is asleep or at weekends if baby is napping, he’ll opt to do work, or sit on his phone, while I just sit there like a lemon. I work full time and have a decent salary of my own. We’re actually not a bad team when it comes to things outside our relationship, for said renovation, childcare, life admin. We’re probably friends/team mates but not really romantic partners anymore.

I have tried on multiple occasions to talk to him about how I’d like a bit more effort. He agrees then over the next few days he’ll put his arm around me once, or give a kiss, then it all goes back to how it was before. He’ll then say he’s made an effort. I’m fed up of raising it, crying and then nothing changes. I believe that if I stop making the effort he wouldn’t even notice and that would signify an end to whatever is left of the romantic side of our relationship.

Being realistic I’ll soon have 2 under 2, so life will be hard, there won’t be time to date and maybe one day meet someone else who is more on the same page. Is this just how life goes and I should be grateful for what I have??

Has anyone else found themselves in this type of relationship? Do you just get on with things? Did things improve?

Thanks for reading!

Is he neurodiverse? I am and have trouble giving affection but show my love in other ways.

you are far to young to be tbh lonely with a partner though either way

I haven't posted on here for years - since I left my similar sounding marriage tbh. 7 years ago. I came back to look for my posts from that time to remind myself of how unhappy I was. Because, I think I too had a fantasy of a deeper connection being out there. I was late 30s when we split and dating is a sh*t show tbh. It may well be different for someone else, but I'd say try everything you can before calling it a day. That said, you both have to want to change things. My exh always said it was my problem if I was unhappy. When we split he announced a few months later that he hadn't thought there was anything wrong, but he was much happier and therefore something must have been and was now righted...ouch. I now doubt he was ever that attracted to me. He's autistic, but i suspect I am too.

It's up and down. Today is a down day - tomorrow might be different. Oh, and we have the dc 50 50, now early teens and fine with it all. Good luck. I do remember it was a horrible state of indecision to be in 😞

Thank you so much for replying. I hadn’t really considered the ND angle. I don’t know a lot about it to be honest but you’d have thought he’d get the hint from me trying to talk about it many times and come
up with a way to remind himself what to do, even if it doesn’t come naturally.

@Misty9 that’s not a nice realisation for him to announce in that way. I really hope you have more up days than down days. It’s good to know the children were ok though. The indecision and unknown is very difficult, thank you for sharing your experience. I think I should keep trying for now, at least until the dust settles after the arrival of the new baby then re-evaluate things.

I’m not really sure what you mean by deeper connection, but the type of single guys out there really aren’t the answer to a maidens prayer.

If you’re unhappy in the relationship ofc you should leave. But leaving because you want to fall into some romantic love story scenario is very unrealistic.

I doubt he'll change as it's most likely that's just his personality. Mine is like that. Was very affectionate when we first met so know that it's possible for him to make the effort. That was part of the chase though and now he's cold. I think that's his true personality sadly and it's heartbreaking. He would call it being needy which it isn't. Agree its best to wait until you've had your baby but unless he's happy to try relationship counselling I'm not sure much will change. On your side is your age. Don't stay in an affectionless relationship- it's shit and lonely.

Even if he is autistic, he should be willing to grown and learn ways to make you feel happy in the relationship if he loves you.

i think it doesn’t sound like a good time for you to leave now anyway- if focus on what you can control which is looking after your health and reminding yourself that once baby is a little bigger you absolutely do have options to leave, you’ll have both your kids and if you don’t want more then you ca pretty much date anyone you like (I’m on the dating scene and there are lots of men with 2-3 kids who don’t want more, sad as I really do) it sounds like dad is safe and competent enough to do shared care with so you’d have a life too.

regarding postpartum - you need to be cared about and looked after. If he can’t do it you need to move in a maternity nurse for first couple of weeks (worth the expense just remove one holiday from budget) or move your mum in if she’s nice. If he objects just explain why - you need love and affection and to be looked after or your child will be at risk if you burn out or get post natal depression. Experience last time and recently shows that he’s not offering this to you, you’ve raised it with him and still no changes. So rather than arguing or getting emotional about this with him, you’re taking a local approach to problem solving. Men can’t argue with that!

I wouldn't rush to try and explain everything by assuming ND diagnosis. I am autistic and I tend to be colder at the beginning of a relationship and "defrost" over time. I am massively tactile and so have no issues showing affection, although, I may be a lot less good with figuring out how to console someone if they are distressed. Not every ND person is devoid of affection.

Whether you meet someone better or not will always be unknown but, having been in a similar situation myself for years, I had to ask my self "If absolutely nothing changes, are you happy to remain in this relationship for the rest of your life?" Because it is very easy to get caught up in hope and sunk-cost phallacy. The more likely reality is what you have right now may be what it will remain forever.

I am now nine months post-separation and I am actively dating. I have absolutely nothing bad to say about it. I am very selective and very open with what my intentions are. None of this "let's just see how it goes" or "still figuring it out" business. Which does remove a lot of options but, honestly, I am ridiculously happy being alone and only date men who can actually add something to my life. Current guy is amazing. We will see if he remains to be so going forward. If he doesn't, I am certainly not going to waste years waiting for him to transform back into an attentive man he is today.

I'm a little bit worried about your general security OP - you will have 2 very small children soon and you/ they don't have the financial security of marriage. I'm not saying people have to be married to have the depth of emotional closeness you want, but just practically.

At the least you need to ensure you can secure them a home, and that you both share the family wealth and financial security that he will be accumulating - more than you will - over the next few years.

Full time job with baby is a great achievement but actually as they get older, and with 2 children, it gets harder for both parents to do that. If you have a non sleeping toddler (really quite likely); if they later have additional needs at school for example (as a high proportion of children do nowadays) you can't rely on breakfast and after school club and nannies, sometimes they need a parent. I wouldn't have believed how much I would need to flex my work around the needs of teens when they were 1 and 3. And it's pretty much always the mum that does it.

Back to the emotional part, the fact you are feeling unsure there makes it even more important to lock down the practical security.

Emotionally, IVF also is something that can cause deep stress and even though you had a "happy ending" after yours maybe there are things you guys need to work through? It does tend to push people into a relationship posture of "we're battling hard for something together" and that can take a long time to dissipate. Your post gives the sense that your backs are both against the wall, yes working hard on life's challenges side by side, rather than facing one another.