Can't get over it

[BadMrsFrosty]

My husband bought a (second) car last year and I only just found out when I found the key hidden in his sock drawer.
I can't get over the lying / hiding it from me.
We had agreed we didn't need a second car yet - but he travels (by train) back and forth between two locations where he works and he decided to get a car for the second location.
He says he hid it from me because he didn't want a big argument. I admit that I would have given him a hard time about it because I think it's an unnecessary luxury, at a time when we should be saving for our future.
HOWEVER, I'm not angry about the car, we can agree to disagree sometimes about financial priorities. What I can't get over is the lying. He says he doesn't lie about anything important, but I simply can't trust that now.
I've set us camp in the spare room and although he's a great dad to our 3 children and (otherwise) a lovely man I'm just not seeing a way forward after this. Anyone experienced anything similar?

Also I don't want to drip feed so I should say I found a car lease contract last year and confronted him about it. He also lied then and told me it was for a car he planned to buy next summer.
Which makes it worse for me because he could have come clean then.

I can't stand liars OP.

And I don't see how a relationship where one of the partners thinks it's ok to lie to the other can be worth much. How can there ever be any trust?

Oh wow! I’m sorry OP. This is a horrible situation. It’s so deceitful.
I’ve not been in this exact situation with children involved but I have ended relationships for lying (and smaller ones than this for that matter). Personally, I just can’t get over lying. It’s so cowardly and short sighted, and like you say, if he can lie for this long about something like this what else is he capable of lying about. “I never lie about anything big” means nothing coming from a proven liar, does it.

If he is a good dad then that doesn’t change just because you’re not together. Because he’s a shit husband.

For your sanity and peace of mind I think you need to either leave permanently or separate for a while so you can really figure out what you want and need and get couples counseling if you think it could help (you might be beyond that….).
I think if you continue to live together you will fall into the regular everyday pitter patter again, and all that teaches him is that you will always keep forgiving him and he can just keep being a liar. You’ll sleep in the spare room for a bit and then you’ll get over it and go back to acting the door mat so he can carry on deceiving you about one thing or another.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck. Just remember that you don’t need to make a decision straight away. Take your time and really think about what it would mean to stay with him.

@Nodlikeyouwerelistening thank you for the good advice.
I'd like to think I'm able to leave him, but it feels crazy when our youngest is just 5 and I feel their world would collapse if we separated.
Our relationship as a couple has obviously turned to shit and I'm a bit blindsided by that.
I will have to take time to think this through properly.
The spare room is comfortable enough...

Wow thats a pretty huge deception.

My rule which has been proven time and time again "If they lie about the small stuff, they lie about the big stuff". And car isn't even that small of a lie... No, I wouldn't be able to get over that one either.

So if he thinks you won’t like something his answer is to do it anyway but hide it? I couldn’t trust someone with that attitude

You have 3 children and he’s ’otherwise lovely.’ It’s a car not another woman. People are so quick to jump to LTB. A good couples therapist who can help you work this through must surely be the first port of call. Far less expensive and traumatic than divorce and can work wonders.

OP only you can know if you can get past this, I honestly don’t know what I would do in your shoes. I probably wouldn’t end the marriage over it, but would need to make it clear that lying isn’t on, no matter how big or small. What did he think would happen when you found out, surely if he wanted the car bad enough, he could have talked with you more about it. He is the one who is going to have to prove he’s worth staying with. I am fortunate that I deal with all the finances in our marriage, maybe you need to do the same or at least have log in details to check bank accounts.

I think you need to get to the bottom of why he felt it was better to lie than just tell you that he was buying a car. Something which, on the face of it, sounds quite reasonable. A partner having to lie or hide things from their dp is a classic symptom of abuse/controlling behaviour.

Many households have two cars these days, I'm not sure why you think it's such a luxury?

Why doesn't he just use the car you already have to drive between his work locations?

Does his employer not provide travel expenses between his primary place of work and other work locations?

How far is the journey, and what's the train fare?

What is the car that he's bought? Is it an expensive midlife crisis car or something reasonably sensible?

Once a liar, always a liar. Plus, do you really want your DC to learn that it's alright to lie?

Get shot of him pdq. Make him go to Court for access to his DC. Nothing is too bad for him. What else has he lied about? Probably lots of things.

No he is not "lovely".

OP, I really think you need to take time to gain some perspective. He his a second car, not a second family. He clearly felt like he needed one. If a woman came on here saying that she needed a car for work but her husband wouldn't let her gey one, he would be called abusive and financially controlling etc and everyone would tell her to leave him.

Are you really going to blow up your kids lives because he bought a car and hid it? Talk to him, ask him why he did it and tell him the lying isnt on in future.

I dont agree with 'if they lie about the small things then they will lie about the big things'. I lied to my partner for years about swapping his full fat mayo for lighter mayo, he eventually found out. It was a small thing, but I never lie about anything truly important to us or our relationship.

I dont agree with 'if they lie about the small things then they will lie about the big things'. I lied to my partner for years about swapping his full fat mayo for lighter mayo

That's tiny 🤣 and surely easily found out merely by him looking in the fridge or packing away the shopping occasionally. I don't think it's the sort of thing people are considering when they say 'if they lie about the small things then they will lie about the big things'. 😀

I don't think hiding a major purchase is a small thing anyway.

OP, Does he live away during the week? I don't understand how a car at the second location makes financial or practical sense. If he's just travelling to work and back, how far is it that makes a car a better option than public transport?

Where's he keeping it? Is he paying out loads in parking?

Someone asked about the second location so I will clarify: he works there for part of the week, and typically takes public transport to work because it's faster, but uses the car to run errands if he is there on the weekend or if he wants to go out during the evening.
He is the only driver in our household. I prefer public transport or an uber.
Regarding the broader context, neither of us are great savers. However he overspends a lot on short term stuff while, since the children have arrived, I have started to squirrel money away to overpay the mortgage and contribute to their ISAs. His spending habits lead to tensions and arguments, he says I'm too angry.
I was quite certain the marriage was over for a few days, but now I'm not sure anymore.