Meeting up with an ex after many years?

[ChaChaSwing]

Has anyone met up with an old flame after many many years and it gone well from a catching up/ old memories standpoint?

He got in touch out of the blue recently, had a few chats, both been happily married for a long time with similar aged teens. I’d not given him more than a passing thought (particular music, reminders of events etc) for a long time. He’s suggested we ‘not leave it as long again to catch up’, lives in an area I’m very often in for both work & social reasons. I knew he lived there but in all these years never occurred to me to get in touch with him.

I’m pretty certain from his perspective it’s a nostalgia/ sentimental thing, we were on good terms until life moved on. But (there’s always a but!) I always felt a huge sexual attraction towards him, despite us both acknowledging we weren’t right for each other. (Ah, Youth!)

I would of course tell my DH about any meets, I’ve briefly mentioned we’d been in contact but I’m not one for discussing my past much nor have I ever been particularly inquisitive about his - though I have met a few of his exes.

I’m leaning to it being a good thing - to talk about old times etc, but the fact I’m writing this here shows there’s slight trepidation. I’m a fairly sensible sort I’d like to think though.

Any words of wisdom or experience where it’s been life enhancing in a wholesome way?

They can also become scared of stopping it abruptly because they are terrified of the OW contacting the wife or partner. No excuses of course, but when you’re in trouble up to your armpits already you’d do pretty much anything to get out of it without hurting anybody else. It’s inexcusable but I do understand how and why it happens.

Obviously there’s temptation, I myself wrote a thread bc the same thing happened to me - altho he admitted, when prodded, that his partner after me left him a few months previously and he was lonely, but he was very much keen for me to run off into the sunset him despite being in a LTR with kids myself. There was absolutely no way I was meeting up with him but I had to point out the hypocrisy of him claiming to have stayed in a 15 year relationship (despite being madly in love with me) bc he couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing his kids every day, but was trying to put pressure on me to throw a grenade into my own life right there and then with no thought as to the impact on every one else involved or the fact I may love my kids as much as he did his and wouldn’t want to seen them only 50% of the time etc. He was a narcissistic prick then and obviously still was.

You say you were really sexually attracted to him so it’s likely you still would be of you saw him again. You also say you’d like to meet up to go over memories together - what is the point? If someone connected to you both had died, then maybe, out of respect to that person and a way of processing your grief, I could understand, but meeting up with someone you really fancied in person to talk about the past - what positive outcome would you expect to achieve? I doubt he is happily married and you wouldn’t be either after your meeting and the past feelings and emotions it would stir up. My advice is to leave this one alone if you’re currently happy.

Exes are exes for a reason. be careful what you wish for , you may get it.

I did some of this when I was younger, i.e. meet up with an ex at about the age of 30, 12 years after school. We ended up going out again and it was all a bit of a disaster. Honestly now if I had that message, I would just think it was laughable. Why on earth would I waste my time and energy on an ex? And what is more my DH would be deeply offended and disappointed in me if I even considered going. Because let’s face it there’s some kind of weird unresolved thing going on for you. And men are weirdly nostalgic and sentimental about exes. And he’s either going to fancy you again, which will be problematic, or he won’t fancy you at all which will feel mildly insulting, or you’ll will be confronted by some balding fat and deeply unattractive man and wonder why the hell you ever went there, and then you’ll remember that you’re both exes and it’s all a bit weird and why did you bother because your lives have moved on and there’s no space in it now for a has been boyfriend

I’ve done it. I think it very much depends on how they became an ex in the first place and your own personal sotuation.

Yes, after 20 yrs. She contacted me (man) Been nice on both sides. Done it a few times, no romance or indeed attraction involved, I've even stayed over in the spare room, both are currently single, tho weren't on initial meet up a few yrs ago, so no one would be hurt or bothered if something happened, but it's not on the cards for either.

That’s very true.

I have no interest in the life of, nor meeting up with the one ex in particular who broke my heart. This wasn’t him. So on this I agree too.

Maybe I should just outright ask if he’s after a booty call 🤣

1. He answers yes, I get that nice ego boost and block him everywhere
2. No but he’s lying and I never hear from him again
3. No, we have a nice friends only time
4. ? anything else

Ooohhh nooooo, don’t ask that! 😂
If it is he’d deny it anyway and chat in hope of reeling you in later, if it isn’t he might vanish thinking you hope it is! 😂
Even though he’s not an ex heartbreaker, ( mine was but it kind of made me feel more flattered as he’d eventually come crawling back and I was curious to know what he as thinking) the fact that you always really fancied him sexually is probably a worse risk. I’d stick to chat with your husband’s full knowledge and permission.

Darn it!

Oh well maybe I wasn’t giving out appropriate signals as I’ve not actually heard from him after the first flurry of messages & calls. He was straight down the line, no flirting- which gave me confidence he’d matured.

I guess I’ll never know 😂

What are you looking to get from meeting him? Do you want validation you’re still attractive to him? Or do you really see it as a fully platonic meeting?
Im happily married and wouldn’t entertain meeting up with an ex from years ago, theres a reason we didn’t stay in touch and the past is the past.
Do you think your DH would be 100% on board with it and even if he is would you be happy for him to meet up with one of his exes if you did?

No I wouldn't think about doing that if I were happily married, why would you choose to meet with an ex ?! If your happily married don't do it. I understand marriages get boring but like someone else said it would be playing with fire.

I posted upthread that the overwhelming consensus was don’t do it. I’m fairly settled with that but can’t say I’m not curious.

Others have added posts and I’m adding to that too, fairly light heartedly though I know from reading some of the posts that the hurt if things go wrong can be devastating. I don’t mean to make light of that.

I was very fond of him, we got on well. Just not right for each other longer term.

Totally get the curiosity. But there’s a graveyard full of dead cats who despite having nine lives, allegedly got finished off by it. 😉

Love this! 👏🏻👍🏻

I met up with an ex for coffee last year. We broke up 25 years ago and are only in touch to the extent of a quick email for Christmas and birthdays. DH was fine with it. It was really lovely to see him and catch up with how he and his family are doing. The reasons we ended are still valid, but so are the reasons we got on so well in the first place. No issues afterwards, back to Christmas and birthdays. Definitely a positive experience with no dodgy intentions on either side.

Similar happened to me last year, except in my case it was a gap of 50 years - yes, half a century later. He'd been my first boyfriend and things had ended very badly between us, he was an abusive and violent little creep but I figured that it was so long ago, we were teenagers then, different times yada yada. We messaged a little bit (told my partner) and I was stunned to quickly realise that he hadn't changed/grown up/matured/gained insight AT ALL. He was still a semi literate creep who lacked self-knowledge.

Apparently his marriage had split up and I had no doubt that it was because he was still abusive. I figured he had contacted me again because he was after sex and knew that he wouldn't be able to attract anyone new. It made my kids laugh. Also, apparently, it's really common to be contacted years later by an ex because they're going through a bad patch and know that they couldn't get anyone new. Blocked.

He wants sex. The end.

Wow 50 years! No wonder you had expectations of some maturity and growth. How fucking depressing.

(I thought my nearly 30 years was quite the gap)

At least it makes for a good anecdote- as long as you were long past the trauma of your original experience with him.

This is where I’d like to commission a poll of men directly 😂

Results would probably be very disheartening

Maybe he does, maybe some men do get in touch just because they want sex. Who knows. I’m friends with exes, have many male friends, and also have an open marriage - so in theory, propositioning for sex by either side wouldn’t be automatically problematic. None of mine ever have, and nor have I; that ship has sailed, we are genuinely just friends. It can happen.

Just realised that an ex of mine from schooldays ‘friended’ me on Facebook and we comment on stuff, he’s married and happy and it’s genuinely friendly stuff. We don’t private message though, never occurred to me to do that, to be honest. I’d hate an ex of my husband’s private messaging him, plus I’m not hypocrite and wouldn’t want to cause his wife a minute’s concern, she’s lovely.
So the uni ex wanted sex and the schooldays ex just wanted a genuine catch up. Not that that helps your statistics!

@ChaChaSwing I think you just know if he wants to test the waters. And from what you've said, I think he does!

How would you feel if your husband did the same, to a woman he was very sexually attracted too?

@Nelly91 none of my DH exes come close to his feelings of attraction for me😉but yes I do take your point. (He’s told me unprompted I promise).

And @Janeaway that’s a very valid observation about how common it is for men to reach out to former partners as it’s easier than finding someone new even just to tide them over.