Meeting up with an ex after many years?

[ChaChaSwing]

Has anyone met up with an old flame after many many years and it gone well from a catching up/ old memories standpoint?

He got in touch out of the blue recently, had a few chats, both been happily married for a long time with similar aged teens. I’d not given him more than a passing thought (particular music, reminders of events etc) for a long time. He’s suggested we ‘not leave it as long again to catch up’, lives in an area I’m very often in for both work & social reasons. I knew he lived there but in all these years never occurred to me to get in touch with him.

I’m pretty certain from his perspective it’s a nostalgia/ sentimental thing, we were on good terms until life moved on. But (there’s always a but!) I always felt a huge sexual attraction towards him, despite us both acknowledging we weren’t right for each other. (Ah, Youth!)

I would of course tell my DH about any meets, I’ve briefly mentioned we’d been in contact but I’m not one for discussing my past much nor have I ever been particularly inquisitive about his - though I have met a few of his exes.

I’m leaning to it being a good thing - to talk about old times etc, but the fact I’m writing this here shows there’s slight trepidation. I’m a fairly sensible sort I’d like to think though.

Any words of wisdom or experience where it’s been life enhancing in a wholesome way?

A few years ago, I met up with a woman I'd had a brief fling with after not seeing her for over 20 years. The situation was probably not the same as yours as I think the fling meant more to me than it did to her. My wife knew in advance, of course. We spent the afternoon together and it was lovely. She's very happily married so there was no hidden agenda. Unfortunately, I think I gave her the impression I was still in love with her, and she's backed off from any further contact, but I'm glad we met up and there was no harm done.

As I say, your situation is probably somewhat different.

No, you are playing with fire here.
How would you feel if your DH reached out to an ex to reminisce over old times? Met up with her and wanted to meet her again?

Nothing good will come of this. Your post shows clearly that you have unresolved feelings for him. You’re married. Your DH should be your priority not reminiscing over an ex who is likely to be very different to the image you’ve created in your head. Stop this now and set some boundaries by ending contact before it wrecks your marriage.

Just no op
why would you do this if you claim you are happily married?

If you’ve rarely thought about him and aren’t that interested in catching up on his life or sharing details of your own, I wouldn’t bother following it up - even without the added complicated that you still think you’d be sexually attracted to him. Sure, it can be nice to shoot the breeze with somebody you used to know well, but it doesn’t sound as though you’re particular motivated about it beyond thinking it “should” be something that might be nice. I’m in touch with a couple of my exes, and they’re fulfilling occasions when we do meet for a drink; I’m not in touch at all with others because I just don’t have any interest.

I wouldn’t do it.
Many moons ago when Friends Reunited started, an ex from 20 years before that got in touch and suddenly, instead of being nearly 40 years old and married with children, I was a 19 year old uni student again for a second. Probably, if I’m being brutally honest, (to my shame) I was preening a little because a guy who I was madly in love with, who broke my heart twenty years earlier, had wanted to find me again. Luckily I saw the situation for the Mills and Boon tripe I’d concocted in my head that it was.
After an initial friendly catch up via the site (which my husband knew about because I told him and asked if he minded me replying) he started flattering and flirting, telling me that his marriage (to the long term girlfriend he’d had and had chosen instead of me) was so dull and he couldn’t help remembering how fantastic we were together blah blah…
That stuff can get inside your head, when you’re twelve years into a marriage with small kids and feeling like a knackered mum most of the time more than a sex goddess, so I told him I was sorry his marriage and kids had become dull, but mine hadn’t and I was very much married and didn’t want anything else. He vanished as soon as any possible date/ sex wasn’t on the table. My young adult daughter would tell me that it was what is now referred to as a ‘booty call’ 😂 but my goodness I’ll admit that it was flattering, exciting and as you say OP “Ah! Youth!”
If you’re feeling a bit low or jaded or vulnerable or like married life is getting like Groundhog Day, (sometimes you’re both really busy and it does) this stuff can take you down paths you really don’t want to explore. In your case it’s friendly catching up, but I’m not sure it would stay that way. My ex started like this via email, but it became obvious later that there was probably an agenda. Not saying your ex will be like this, but I’d stay away from meet ups, especially if you found him very sexually attractive. He might not be any more but equally that might not even matter, memories are a powerful thing.
Exes need to stay exes and I wouldn’t like a catch up between my husband and an ex of his to become regular messages and face to face meet ups.
The only little in-jokes and reminiscing club of two there should be in a marriage, is you and your husband.

Stay away.
Even if there is nothing in it and you have been totally transparent with DH, he will naturally be worried about why you want to revisit this relationship.
Switch it around. How happy would you be if he started talking about an old flame and was considering a meet up, particularly if the physical attraction was a big part of the original relationship?

You're playing with fire.

Why is starting neet ups with an ex that you were very sexually attracted to in person a good thing? You're married.

How would you feel if your husband decided to start meeting up in person with his ex that he had a strong sexual attraction to?

Come on.

Exactly what Thewookiemustgo said. It's so strange that you've posted this problem because I've been thinking of a similar situation I was in 15 years ago.

I dated this guy in my late teens. It was first love, first heartbreak, very intense and took me a while to get over him. We remained friends through our 20s and would often end up hooking up. After I got over the initial breakup I just didn't fancy him, we were never going to get back together in terms of a relationship and when I met my husband I completely lost contact with him.

10 years later I'm married, with very young kids and he pops up on socials. He's not entirely happy in his relationship (I truly am), we're chatting, he's being very flirtatious and he ends up giving me his phone number. I don't meet up with him but he does end up meeting with another ex who is also married and has kids. One thing leads to another and they end up getting together, imploding the lives of various people and dragging her kids from one end of the country to the other.

I wanted to shake her and say DON'T DO IT. It was clear that he struggled with long-term relationships and kept emotional doors open with his ex's. They eventually had a kid and, guess what, 10 years on, and he's left her.

Nope don't go there - it really is playing with fire. He might be happily married but he's not looking you up for innocent reasons no matter what he says.

No. He at least expects sex. Transparent

Don’t do it. I knew someone who did this and it wrecked their marriage.
I also know someone else who responded to an ex on friends reunited and it really rocked her world for several years .She eventually came to her senses and ended all contact but it caused a lot of turmoil .

I met up with an ex after 30+ years. All above board (DH knew, another friend present etc). It was a bit awkward for me as I just don’t remember all that much. I have a few hazy, generic kind of memories together but individual names of friends we had then, places we went to, all so hazy. And without this, what’s there to meet up for again? Sure, we could be friends afresh, he’s a nice guy. But I’m busy, it’s awkward, that time has passed.

I find meeting up with long lost old friends of the non-romantic kind tends to be quite dull, as once you've done the 'Ooh, remember when..." there's nothing to talk about.

And unless one or both of you is planning to resurrect the 'romance' - why bother?

What are you hoping to get out of a meet OP? You don’t have to answer here but I’d be honest with myself.

It sounds like you found the break up more difficult OP is that tight? Well, I’d never meet with those who ‘broke my heart’. No good can come of it, why drag up all that stuff if your life is good? Your ego will stay intact if you say no to a meet.

What's the point?

An ex contacted me and wanted to meet up last year. I said no I don't think so, I've got nice old memories let's leave it at that.
Then he made up some lame excuse as to why he needed to chat to me (think therapy/solving past issues) so I said ok, then he went quiet, admitted he didn't need any of that - just wanted to meet up.

I ignored the last message and blocked after that.

What a load of old codswallop. I'm happy with my old memories, thanks, and do not need anything weird in my life.

Ah MNers you’re all so boringly correct. Not to a one has anyone said sure that’ll be nice, hang out, shoot the breeze.

@LochSunart are you absolutely sure you did or said nothing to give her the impression that you’re still in love with her? Hope that didn’t hurt too much.

@Thewookiemustgo there are a lot of parallels, I really shouldn’t be surprised there’s a script, thank you for sharing. I’m not getting any hints of flirtation from him though.

I think at the bottom of this is just sheer curiosity. Which killed the cat as we all know.

In mitigation I have been getting in touch with a lot of old friends recently myself, prior to him messaging me. My parents are both at the beginning of the end, life is currently pretty stressful so that also explains the attraction of catching up with someone from a time when life was a lot more care free.

But thank you all for your warnings, no doubt I’ll re-read this post in years to come and give myself a good talking to. Some really sad tales of marriages imploding. Perhaps rewatching Dawsons creek or similar will scratch the same care-free nostalgia itch without any risks of long term fall out. Can I still be a bit disappointed though?

@ChaChaSwing I said nothing inappropriate to her; I was just genuinely delighted to see her again after losing touch for over twenty years, but I can understand how she might have (mis)interpreted things I did say.

I have. My first proper boyfriend from when I was late teens to early twenties. We met up after 15 ish years and have met twice since then, over the last 10 or so years, so not regularly, All good. We are both married and have children of similar ages. It’s good to catch up but doesn’t feel any different from catching up with any old friend now. Aside from that, we probably message about once a year and pop the odd like on a Strava activity.

Agree very much with this.

My husband found himself in this situation with an ex, but he didn’t have the sense that @Thewookiemustgohad.

He got “swept up in the excitement” as he put it and they ended up engaging in sex talk, sending nudes and arranging to meet for sex (which, as far as I can see, they didn’t go ahead with).

It was a bit of a perfect storm as she happened to initiate contact when we were in a bad patch.

We recovered from the bad patch and were happy, and I only found out about it a few years later.

It has damaged our relationship hugely. We are still together but the trust and respect has gone and there is a lot of resentment.

It’s just not worth it.

@windatthewindow so sorry to hear about the pain this caused you.
Did he confess eventually?

Safe to say I’m far too old for nudes myself, but that must really sting

OP with all the stress you have going on in your life now of course this looks attractive, of course it feels great. I’m still going to be the party pooper though because it’s not the answer, it’s not wise, nor ever fair to husbands and partners.
It’s what’s at the root of so many affairs, the feeling young again, desired, flattered, sought out…. in its early stages you think “where’s the harm? I’m not cheating if I’m just talking to somebody/ having a coffee” but ask yourself if a coffee with a female mate or colleague would feel as exciting? It is the way many things start, small and ‘justifiable’. When one boundary gets crossed it gets easier to justify the next, then the next… it’s like a drug, it’s how decent people who never cheated before end up doing things they never thought they’d do and regretting it bitterly. You can get swept along by the high in the fantasy bubble of exciting secrecy and when reality hits, it goes nuclear, your life implodes and drags everyone you love and value down with it.
Stress, boredom, feeling “is this it?” make even decent, straight-up people vulnerable to flattery and infidelity. Who doesn’t feel attracted to things that make us feel better when we’re feeling low or overwhelmed?
My views on infidelity are unpopular on Mumsnet , because I don’t think most people who cheat are players or necessarily serial offenders, I don’t think “once a cheat, always a cheat.” is true. It can happen to anyone.
I get that weak moments when you are vulnerable, can spiral into situations that are bloody hard to get out of and grow way beyond people ever intended.
I felt the excitement and pull of the past and stepped away, forced myself to see the devastation it could cause my kids, my husband, his wife and children… nowhere near worth a temporary nostalgic high.
This guy hasn’t flirted with you yet but I’m a bit jaded and suspicious about why men want to do this, it’s rarely innocent.

Thanks @ChaChaSwing

No, I wouldn’t say he confessed.

I found some inappropriate messages on his laptop. Questioned him. He denied / minimised / gaslit me.

But I knew there was more to it. He swore there were no photos etc exchanged. I kept digging, found the photos. Confronted him. He said “ok, those photos, but that was it”. I then found the messages planning to meet etc.

I kept begging him to just tell me the whole truth, because the constant lying until confronted with the truth was just destroying any trust we had.

But he refused. He kept lying until I confronted him with proof. He then had a bit of a breakdown. Convenient / manipulative? Maybe.

So that’s where we are now. Trust and respect completely gone. Marriage ruined.

@windatthewindow so sorry. I might get flamed for generalising but I think men find this harder to step away from.
It’s no excuse, I’m certainly not excusing or apologising for men, it’s just a fact in my experience.
Your husband was a fool, you sound lovely.

Thank you @Thewookiemustgo

And yes, you may be onto something in that regard.

When the contact originally started, we hadn’t had sex in a long time for various reasons (young children, traumatic birth, postnatal depression). I understand why he responded to her.

But things got back on track with us a few months later….but the messages with her continued. Which is what I find hard to forgive.

I think part of it was the escapism and fantasy for him, and the ego boost. But I think also he is a huge people pleaser and he didn’t know how to stop it. He didn’t seem capable of saying “actually, I’m having sex with my wife again now, things are back on track so I’m going to stop this”. He struggles with self esteem and I have noticed for a long long time his people pleasing tendencies, so that might have come into play here.