How do you learn to trust?

[Zaza365]

Back story. Married for 27 years and divorced for 3.
I met the most wonderful man a year ago. He was separated from his wife and going through a divorce. We decided to go slow and than really suited me at that time as I enjoy living on my own and have a very peaceful and content little life.
The night we met there was an instant connection and I said in my head 'I'm going to bloody marry him!'
A year on we have had so much fun. He meets my family regularly and i meet his. His divorce is just about to be finalised and he is buying his own house about 30 mins from me.
I just can't help but think this will end when he has his own place? Is he using me? Am I the rebound girl? He has been living at his mums whilst going through the divirce and he stays at mine on the weekends he doesn't have his son. He assures me we are strong. He is moving to live near his son's school as he will be 50/50 custody.
I am wobbling because what we have had this past year has been just amazing.
My marriage was loveless and in the end abusive.
Just for clarity I also started dating when I was newly separated from my ex husband so it wasn't a problem to me that this man was separated also.
I am struggling to believe that this is real. I find it really hard to trust him (or anyone) and believe that he is as lovely as he is.
I am trying to be positive about him moving to be with his son and he is a very dedicated dad which is part of the appeal.
My kids love him, my family have welcomed him in as have his to me. Everyone tells me that he adores me. Time will tell. We have many holidays booked for this year and things to look forward to but does tha really mean anything?
I feel self sabotage coming on!

I think trust is a choice. You open yourself up to being hurt if it goes wrong, of course. But if you don’t take the risk, you close yourself off to it possibly being wonderful.

If he’s given you no reason not to trust him, and you have built up a relationship which is so far predominately great, it’s completely up to you to decide.

Why do you think his interest would wane when he has his own house? Is it further away from you than he is now? If you truly believe he is using you why are you with him??
Our feelings of self-doubt, low self-esteem, can destroy things unnecessarily if we let them and that’s really sad. I would suggest you talk to him honestly about how you are feeling, and maybe get some therapy for yourself too. I feel you may have this idea that love is only valid if married and living together and he is moving away from that by geography/family circumstance, but many people have amazing relationships living apart together.

Did you have trust issues in your marriage? It can be very hard to let go fully of ‘learned’ behaviours

People being consistent in their words and actions can help OP, and he sounds like he’s being that.

“MamaMiranda · Today 08:10
I think trust is a choice. You open yourself up to being hurt if it goes wrong, of course. But if you don’t take the risk, you close yourself off to it possibly being wonderful.

If he’s given you no reason not to trust him, and you have built up a relationship which is so far predominately great, it’s completely up to you to decide.”

@MamaMiranda has nailed it. This with bells on. There are no guarantees of what the future may hold. Entering a love relationship with another person involves taking the risk of a painful ending - indeed, if you remain together until death, one of you will inevitably end up having to grieve the other. But for most of us, presented with the chance of a loving and happy relationship, that is a risk we decide to take because of the joy and contentment that strong love relationships can bring. Life is a journey that is full of beginnings, middles and endings; don’t skip the beautiful beginning and middle out of fear for what the ending might be.

FWIW, my parents divorced after 30+ years of marriage. 5 years later, my mum met a wonderful man; they got married (6 months later on the basis they both knew what they were doing!) and had a fabulous and very happy second marriage. Both my mum and my stepdad had been cheated on in their first marriages. My mum ended hers because of my dad’s affairs. My stepdad’s first wife left him for another man. They didn’t let that stop them embracing the opportunity that arose when they (by chance) met each other.

Ohhh you people! I think it is clear this is a 'me' problem. Possibly still damaged and have low self worth. He is kind and lovely. I will let myself 'lean in' a little more. You all speak such wise words. Thank you

OP you need to believe that you truly deserve happiness! You sound lovely and so does your new man, he's financially independent, obviously wants to be a good and present parent and you have lots of plans for the year. On paper he sounds pretty perfect!

All relationships are going to have bumps in the road so don't overthink and second guess yourself if small disagreements crop up as they do from time to time. Be open and honest about how you feel, good communication will see you through if it's from both sides.

Be firm with yourself when insecurity and trust worries rear their head - remind yourself that he has given you no reason to worry, and trust in yourself. Don't let those niggling insecurities rob you of the happiness you deserve 💐

@MamaMiranda @CaffeinatedSeagull @HawthornFairy @Dery @Endofyear thank you so much for taking them time to respond to me and all of your positivity. I will work on my self belief. @DeryI love your mums story. It can work and that must make you so happy for her x