Can’t get over DH texting another woman

[Immy45]

I lay there sometimes in disbelief that he texted another woman 3 years ago. I keep bringing it up in arguments and I’m deeply insecure over it. Something that keeps happening is I see a woman who looks like her and I immediately feel anxious and uneasy. When I’m out with DH it’s made me very insecure and this all creates arguments. One thing I can’t seem to get my head around is why he did it. I can’t seem to understand where his mind was and how he got to that point behind my back. At the time Dd was nearly 1, I had PPD and didn’t want sex. I checked his phone and saw flirty messages to an old flame he’d slept with before he met me. They were along the lines of “long time no see” catching up and turned flirty. His answer was he was in a ‘bad place’ would ever do it again. How is this ever going to work? Why am I so deeply hurt over this?

You can't get over it because he betrayed you at your most vulnerable.

You have two options.

1. Seek therapy to see if you can work through it.

2. Split up because you don't trust him (and if you don't have trust in a relationship then it's not a relationship).

Only you can decide which is best for you but I would try therapy first and go from there.

Have you had couples counselling? It might be a good idea to bring it out in the open and talk about it calmly rather than just bringing it up when you argue?

It was a vile thing to do, and it broke your trust. You may never fully trust him again, but if you stayed, you do need to forgive... It's been three years.

Have you considered couples therapy? I know it's not cheap, but it may be a way for you both to move on.

This may not resonate and I hate bandying the word around but there are ptsd type elements to this imo.

I mean this in the sense that The trauma was never processed, the issue was never properly addressed or resolved so you are "stuck in that moment"

everytime you think about it you go back to when it happened and it still feels as hot and intense as it did then - which is why its so painful.

Yet your husband and to some extent your(?l view is why the fuck arent you over it now....it was ages ago.

He betrayed you at your lowest ebb when you needed him most. Your trust was totally betrayed . Thats a lot.

You need closure / to process the trauma so the clock can start running and you can start to move past this.

You need couples therapy at a minimum

Thank you for this thread. It has reminded me the hurt these things cause. An old flame of mine got in touch to be ‘friends’ recently and this has reminded me not to even get into it at all as it could hurt my DP.

You don’t have to forgive him! The problem here, if you’re going to stay, you must do it on good terms. You can’t bring it up repeatedly. You either need to work together to regain trust and put it behind you - never to be mentioned again, or leave. He hurt you initially but if you stay, continue to be hurt by it and upset yourself by focusing on it then it won’t get better for either of you. You have to think about if it’s worth staying together and if it is, work on that. But you don’t have to. He did wrong and you shouldn’t suffer the consequences

I think it's the fact that when he was in a " bad place" his reaction was to turn to another woman is why it's so hard to trust him ever again. Because he can never really convince you tbat if he is a " bad place" again that hus reaction won't be just the same.

The fact he did it when you were really struggling is just such a beyrayal..

Personally I would have lost respect for him as well as trust and I wouldn't be able to see a way forward for our marriage.