Ex seems to know details of messages he shouldn’t be able to see

[swanlake02]

Trying to work out if I’m missing something obvious here.

My husband and I have been separated for over a year but are still living together while we sort things out with the house and our child. In reality we live quite separate lives. He makes his own plans and regularly books days out and holidays with our child without discussing it with me or checking if I already had plans.

Recently I’ve been chatting to someone from my past. Nothing serious, just messages and a bit of flirting. However my husband seems to know quite specific things about things I’ve said in messages.

He hasn’t said anything to me directly. Instead he told my friend’s husband, and it’s made its way back to me. Some of the details he apparently knew were quite specific, including things from WhatsApp chats that are locked.

My phone is always with me and those chats are locked with a code he doesn’t know. I genuinely can’t think of any point where he’d have had access to it. I have noticed some odd Instagram logins from devices I didn’t recognise which made me wonder if he’d somehow accessed my account, but I’m not sure that would explain the other details which would only have been on WhatsApp. But would explain some of the details as we started talking again on Instagram.

I’ve checked everything I can think of like iCloud devices and WhatsApp linked devices and nothing obvious has shown up.

I did briefly wonder whether my best friend could somehow be involved, but there were specific things he’d apparently said that she definitely didn’t know about.

So now I’m just confused how he’d know details like that. Am I missing something obvious about how someone could see messages like that?

Also, separate question really, but AIBU for chatting to someone when we’ve been separated for over a year, even though we still live in the same house?

This might be a weird question, but are you sure the person you are talking to is actually the person from your past?

Is there WhatsApp on a laptop?

You do what you want with who you want and you owe him absolutely zero explanation.
I don't have any tech-y ideas but get everything locked down. Block him on everything you can block him on. Change every password and log in you can think of. Any way that he has obtained those details seems incredibly dishonest of him. Best of luck!

Not tech savvy either but is it possible he has put some kind of software on your phone? Could a phone shop check for you? It must be so unnerving for you. Hope you get to the bottom of it.

100%!

No, no connected devices on my WhatsApp at all

I think if you are separated from your husband then its ok to be texting somebody else becasue oyu are nto in a relationship wit him anymore

I second taking it to a phone shop to check for software. It will give you piece of mind. He must be doing something if he is mentioning things from locked WhatsApp chats.

I hope you manage to sort things out with separating fully. A year is a long time to live with an ex. It must be difficult.

I’d nip the whole “making plans without checking” situation in the bud. That will become incredibly difficult once you’re fully separated if he thinks he can come and go as he pleases with picking your child up without checking.

I’d get your phone checked by a professional to see if he’s somehow installed software on your phone.
I don’t know how else he could know that information unless the person you’re speaking to is in cahoots with your ex.

Could the WhatsApps be syncing with a family computer or iPad? My son's WhatsApp shows on our family computer - I'm not entirely sure how perhaps through a Google account login/ email address or similar.

See if you csn change your passwords for email/Google account/WhatsApp etc with an option to "Log out of all devices" or similar.

Otherwise I agree with having your phone checked for any spyware/ screen sharing app etc.

A more upsetting possibility is cameras in your home or car but perhaps unlikely that they would show your phone screen well enough to read it etc but putting it out there to hopefully be discounted.

You could get a new phone even if just to communicate with your new person - don't input any old email addresses, appleID, Google account etc. Use new emails/accounts on it. Assume your ex can see your old phone and let people who chat with you on there know that. Transfer your contacts to your new phone over a period of time.

Has your husband put a key logger on your phone?
Not necessarily recently but a long time ok?

Or is the person from your past sending him screenshots as a oneupmanship?

What’s a key logger please?

Change your WhatsApp password as someone might be logging onto the web version directly

Meta owns WhatsApp, Instagram and Facebook, so if he’s logged in on one he might be able to access others, so just log out on everything, change your passwords for all of them, and then if he still seems to know details he shouldn’t, then there will be some kind of key logger (software that records what you type on a keyboard) or spy software on your devices. What a wanker.

A key logger is a piece of software that can be installed on your phone that records every touch of the keys on your keypad so would pick up messages you send, emails you send etc

Do you know if he has mentioned other things to.his friend such as emails you send?

Could he be holding your phone in front of your face while you’re asleep to get it to open with facial recognition?

I doubt it, we’re in separate rooms

Are you typing this on the same phone? If he has installed a keylogger he’ll be reading the post unfortunately.

My husbands texts/email also pop
up on his ipdad
I know the passcode code as we used to share the device before I got mine so if I wanted could read them all

get a new phone

With a new number

Contact Refuge’s tech abuse team. It sounds like he is spying on you.

@swanlake02

Have you checked your room, the house, and car for hidden listening devices or spy cams? You can take your phone and any devices to most service places and they can run tests for spyware or malware. If you are an Apple person the Apple Genius Bar should be able to do that, too.

And this may be way off base (and may have been suggested already) but are you sure the man you're chatting to isn't a 'plant', even if it is 'someone from your past'. Because it sounds like the only info being relayed is from him. Have there been instances with any other people you normally communicate with? If not, then you may want to think twice about this person. It may very well be that it's the person from your past, but that doesn't mean he's not in your H's 'present' IYSWIM. Yes, I know that's probably OTT of me, but Occam's Razor and all.

One little test you may try is to give a piece of 'fake intel' to someone other than this man and see if it gets back to you. IDK what that could be but it would have to be someone you trust not to 'blow your game' and something at least possible and not outlandish. Perhaps that you've met someone 'new'? You've come into money? You get my drift. If it gets back through the 'usual channels' then chances are there is some form of electronic monitoring going on. If it doesn't, then your 'old friend' is the conduit of information.

Does he pay for your SIM? Could he have access via the provider website? Not sure about access to WhatsApp but I think you can view SMS? 🤔

Have you changed all your passwords? Can you send fake messages to someone to test your ex? Like Coleen Rooney style?