YR2 struggling with son's teacher / friendship issue...

[dadmumplus10]

Teacher not supportive of our son... She never lists his strengths - he is very bright, needs some support socially and isn't autistic, it didn't come up on the diagnosis/assessment, insufficient evidence.

He has since lost confidence, is being bossed around by a particular 'friend' causing him to feel stressed / nervous, getting into trouble as is easily influenced, he is down, anxious before school.

I have messaged his teacher and we had a recent open evening, she is very sly as basically changed a friendship issue around claiming that my son was at fault and for whatever reason seems to see him as the problem, every time.

Bit of bacķround, I worķed in the school also as a TA and was bullied out by the toxic staff culture, but for ķids it seemed oķ we have no other options close by. what to do? meet headteacher? move house/school? any advice appreciated!

You don’t have an assessment for autism, even a private one, without their being existing issues.

What is the actual frienship issue, when is it happening and what have you asked school to do? It’s rare issues are one sided so I think you need to be willing to accept your child’s role in the issues.

If you’re in England then you don’t need to move house to move school.

He has some social issues and gravitates toward older kids. Often not connecting with his own peer group as well. I fully accept and understand what he is like..

He follows others, lacks leadership and self advocacy and is a people pleaser and this is ending him up in trouble and low confidence.

the friend is controlling and bossing my son around every single day. it's causing him stress. the teacher isn't supporting him or his wellbeing around this.

You say the teacher is sly and changed it around to make your son seem the problem - what does she think he is doing that is a problem? It sounds like there's some middle ground here between it being all the other boy's fault and it being all your son's fault - could it be a bit of both?

What are you doing to address your son's difficulties? Do you arrange playdates outside of school so he can practice socialising one to one and build his confidence? Do you role play different scenarios with him to help him navigate social situations that come up? Do you talk to him about things that have happened at school and practice alternative actions that he could have done, for example teaching him how to be assertive and say no to getting involved in bad behaviour? He needs to understand and take responsibility for when he's misbehaved rather than blaming it on being easily led - he need to know that it's up to him whether he chooses to participate in something that's going to get him into trouble and he needs to practice what he could do instead - walk away, play with someone else, tell a teacher etc

Friendships, at that age, are fluid. They argue, make up, and do it again.

Your son needs to held responsible for anything he does - it’s not the fault of other children.

Listen to the teacher and work with him/her.

Is the friend who he says is bossing him about one of the older kids he’s following about? How much older?

Older kids often don’t like littler ones following them about…..

With the Kindest possible intention, I think you need to equip your son to deal with different types of personalities and friendships, not try and get the teacher to sort this (they have enough to do).

The teacher cannot separate the children. Equip your son with skills and advice and help him build his resilience it will serve him better as he gets older rather than relying on teachers to sort the issue.

What you have described also doesnt indicate autism....you csnt expect schools to act as if he does 🤷‍♀️

What would you like the teacher to do? Have you suggested he tries to play with other children in his class?

As a TA you’ll also know that the influence others have is also not an excuse if there is bad behaviour with your child?
I had a bit of similar with my own child, easily influenced by a specific 2 children until the day they did something to him that he just can’t forgive and hasn’t spoken to either since. (He’s 6). I knew he was being influenced, spoke at length with him about the trouble he could be in etc but it fell on deaf ears until he was in trouble. He kept away and then the 2 acted really horribly and did something and that was his realisation.
I’m also a TA, not in his school though but I see it daily the influence others have and then children feel hard done to when anyone tries to correct the behaviour that they shouldn’t have done influenced or not

If you think your son cannot settle in that school find a different one. Before doing so though, you need to have evidence that he has previously adjusted well and made friends in other settings. If you haven’t evidence this, I suggest helping your son being around stronger & weaker personalities rather than moving him. My son was doing amazing in two schools and then we moved country. In his new school, he is struggling to make friends. He did eventually made some but not as many as in the other schools in the past. This gives me the understanding that maybe this school/country is not the right for him as I saw him thriving elsewhere.

Just move him schools if you think this will solve the issue. There is no point wasting time, I know many moves that have worked wonders.

In balance, I wonder if your DS shows a wholly different side at school than at home, it is quite common especially with anxiety. Possibly he is being coerced or naive about friendships and is getting into making bad choices. If this is the case it may still follow him into a new school. Best to have open and honest small chats with him, work with him. I would ask for an appt with the teacher and TA (TAs can be very informative also). Try to work with them, ask them for suggestions, be guided by them. It might be hard to hear so possibly take a trusted friend who will be neutral, you need someone to listen without prejudice on either side, but as also someone to listen, ask questions and support you afterwards.
Sometimes as soon as you get on board with th school, work with them and don’t fight them good results can come.

I think you should back off somewhat, take a lot of it with a pinch of salt and don't always assume it's everyone else and not your child. Disregard what happened to you. Chill.

im married to a teacher and believe me they have much more pressing situations than sorting out your sons social and friendship problems. Sorry to sound harsh but they have enough to do!