At the end of my tether

[BeDandyFawn]

I really need some advice please. I have been with my husband for 10 years and have recently had an accident that has seen me in hospital for a while and now recovering at home. I’m pretty much housebound and reliant on him for most things. He’s been very good on the whole but his drinking has reached a level that I am really struggling with.

He drinks every night, usually a bottle of red wine and chain smokes, we have a covered outside area he uses. The next day he stinks of alcohol and is usually really snappy. Over the past few weeks he’s been out a lot, leaving me at home on my own which is fine but he’s so desperate to escape.

Last night his friend came over to drink and smoke. Arrived at 6pm so instead of taking my son to football he asks my daughter who is home for the weekend to take him, so she goes off on the 2hr round trip and I’m left in the house whilst they drink outside. She’s only home for the weekend and I would like to spend time with her but instead she’s doing this so my husband can drink. Then my husband throws dinner at me and tells me he’s going out to the pub, I was so upset why can’t he keep me company? Then he starts to hurry me to go to bed, it’s very clear he has plans then he sneaks off outside so that his friend can come over yet again and drink until the early hours.

I am so over it, so over his behaviour. I find him so self-centred, he puts himself before anyone else always. I hate the role model he’s being to my kids too. He has been out so much over this period, he doesn’t really spend anytime with me, I’m sleeping in a room downstairs and he just comes in and asks me questions but there’s no conversation, no spending time with me.

He will be so cranky and so grumpy this morning when he eventually wakes up mid morning.

Reading this back it sounds so pathetic but I’m at my wits end - what do I do to get my marriage back on track?

Are you sure you want it “back on track” with this prince?

So sorry you are going through this - I can’t help but think your long term recovery is hindered by this level of abusive behaviour from a drunk.

I’d be looking at exit strategies. Wish you well xx

You can’t get it back on track with an alcoholic unless he’s willing to address it and stop

this must be awful for your kids as well as you

It doesn't sound pathetic at all. I imagine this has been coming for a while but you've tolerated it and minimised it. Only now you are laid up unwell has it really brought home to you how selfish he has been and how much his life is dominated by alcohol.

Make sure you speak to your DD this morning about fielding any requests from him to run around doing XYZ this weekend so he can slack off and go to the pub, or not have to drive anywhere to collect his son. She is home to spend time with you, not to act as au pair to her little brother. She needs to be prepared to say no to him. If it's usually you that does all this running around for your son's football, it's telling that he's incapable of temporarily prioritising his son's needs over his desire to crack open the booze for a few hours.

Have you talked to him about his drinking? What has been his reaction? If he wasn't smoking outside he'd probably be drinking indoors with you, but it's still tedious if he's drinking a whole bottle of wine or more every night. Chronic boozers make very dull company.

Given what you have written about him why would you want to get this marriage back on track?. This derailed years ago and there is no coming back from this. If a friend was telling you all this what would your own counsel be?. It is clear you cannot rely on him for anything now.

What do you want to teach the kids about relationships and what are they learning here?.
This is no model to be showing them.

I would look into leaving him and asap. You are in a relationship with an alcoholic and that will do you and your dc here no favours at all.

He will further hinder your physical recovery and your own recovery from his alcoholism has not even started.

op

Stop protecting your H from the consequences of his actions.

Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it's likely never really been with you either. His companions/friends are all drinking buddies also with alcohol dependency issues.

You can't get the marriage back on track. It takes two to make a marriage work and he is obviously not going to match any effort you make. He's a selfish alcoholic. You need to end the relationship when you've physically recovered enough to leave. Start planning now, think about finances/childcare/work and where you will live. There's no rescuing the relationship with a man who treats you like this. You deserve better.

Thank you for your advice. Yes living with someone who drinks so much is so challenging. He’s just woken up and said “morning” so now I know he’s going to give me a mouthful because he’s tired, hungover and thinks I’m being pathetic.

He thinks I’m out of order and that he’s entitled to a few nights off because he’s been looking after me. Which of course he is but it’s more that he kicks family to the curb so he can do exactly what he wants, and when he wants.

Are you intending to do anything?

So you want him to change?

Not going to happen. Make decisions accordingly.

He has not really looked after you at all. All he cares about is his own self and his thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from.

You have a choice re this man. Your dc do not.

He won’t change, if anything his treatment of you and DC will get worse, I would bet money on that

I couldn't live with this - I couldn't live with a smoker or someone who drinks that much. He sounds horrible and selfish. It sounds like your children are nearly grown - I would be making plans to leave.

Wishing you a full and speedy recovery OP.

This time of convalescence is giving you plenty of time to think about the way forward once you are well enough. Considering the pros & cons of ending the relationship might be a good place to start.

My sister’s partner is in the grip of this totally selfish disease/condition and she stands by him because he would be lost without her. He refuses to get help so they are both stuck in a no win situation. You have my sympathy.

Another one here who couldn't live like that. Do you realise how peaceful life can be without this kind of man in your home?

I find him so self-centred, he puts himself before anyone else always. I hate the role model he’s being to my kids too. He has been out so much over this period, he doesn’t really spend anytime with me, I’m sleeping in a room downstairs and he just comes in and asks me questions but there’s no conversation, no spending time with me.
Why do you want to stay with this person? Honest answers only because "I love him" isn't an honest answer .

He doesn't like you and he's not going to change so...??