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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don’t like my parter

26 replies

Tazzzmania · 07/03/2026 07:56

I need some advice, please! My partner and I have a 2 year old DC and I am 8 months pregnant with our second. He also has 2 other DC that live with us 50% of the time.

He is so lazy and everything is a fight and a battle! I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, planning, organising etc for all of the children. If he doesn’t have regular lie ins, he’s insufferable (but insists on going to bed at 1/2am overnight) so I just end up getting up with the kids everyday even though heavily pregnant with quite bad gestational diabetes and severe sciatica pain. He is very selfish and self centred, and can be such an unpleasant jerk at times. He’s miserable and whiny and is always complaining about his life, work, etc and there is always an issue! I just want to be looked after! And I’m just sick of all the problems, stress and constant hard work! He makes my life significantly harder. I suspect undiagnosed ADHD on his part is also an issue, so does he, but refuses to do anything about it.

As I write this, it’s clear to me what needs to be done. But how do I leave? I’m pregnant and about to go on mat leave, so money will be an issue for the next year. My mum lives a good 100miles away, and my partner and I share a DC and there’s no way he’d let me move that far away with our DC. I would miss his kids, and it would be hard on them as I have been a very involved stepmum. I just feel so trapped and I don’t know what else I can do to save this relationship. Help!?

OP posts:
Timble · 07/03/2026 08:00

If he refuses to seek help/diagnosis then I’d leave. Of course I’d sit down and tell him my plans first, give him time to set things in motion, let him know he’s making you unhappy and what he needs to do. Unfortunately unless he goes private he’s looking at 3years ish for NHS diagnosis.

He may not like you moving 100 miles away with your shared DD but if he’s completely useless and lazy do you think he would stop you? Doubtful. Life is so short, it’s ultimatum time!!

arethereanyleftatall · 07/03/2026 08:04

You can’t do anything to save the relationship.
that’s just him.
he clearly was exactly the same in his prior relationship.

so, all you can do is work out how you can get the best life available to you from here.

if your mum will support you, I don’t think he really gets a say in ‘letting you.’ . He doesn’t support you and you need support.

DramaQueenlady · 07/03/2026 08:06

I dont think he can stop you moving 100 miles away. It might be the reality check he needs having to parent his older 2 kids. Tell him how you feel. It might be enough. If not go to your mums. At least you'll get the help and rest you need.

FlatErica · 07/03/2026 08:07

If your mum Is able and willing to support you, go there. He’s not gonna change.

HawthornFairy · 07/03/2026 08:13

Go to your Mum, right now! Once it’s done, it’s done. He can then go to court and sort out details of shared care if he wants to, though many men don’t.

You and your children deserve so much more than this, and right now your health and the health of your unborn child is paramount. You’ll be able to slowly rebuild your life, and without him being such a drain on you it will be so much calmer and actually easier!

Imbusytodaysorry · 07/03/2026 08:14

Tazzzmania · 07/03/2026 07:56

I need some advice, please! My partner and I have a 2 year old DC and I am 8 months pregnant with our second. He also has 2 other DC that live with us 50% of the time.

He is so lazy and everything is a fight and a battle! I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, planning, organising etc for all of the children. If he doesn’t have regular lie ins, he’s insufferable (but insists on going to bed at 1/2am overnight) so I just end up getting up with the kids everyday even though heavily pregnant with quite bad gestational diabetes and severe sciatica pain. He is very selfish and self centred, and can be such an unpleasant jerk at times. He’s miserable and whiny and is always complaining about his life, work, etc and there is always an issue! I just want to be looked after! And I’m just sick of all the problems, stress and constant hard work! He makes my life significantly harder. I suspect undiagnosed ADHD on his part is also an issue, so does he, but refuses to do anything about it.

As I write this, it’s clear to me what needs to be done. But how do I leave? I’m pregnant and about to go on mat leave, so money will be an issue for the next year. My mum lives a good 100miles away, and my partner and I share a DC and there’s no way he’d let me move that far away with our DC. I would miss his kids, and it would be hard on them as I have been a very involved stepmum. I just feel so trapped and I don’t know what else I can do to save this relationship. Help!?

@Tazzzmania he doesn’t get stop you. just go . Can you plan a nice trip to your mums before baby is born and just stay. ?
Can mum come and collect you ?
Its less then 1.5 hrs away it’s commutable for access to the children .
Missing the step kids is just something you will have to accept.
This will get worse . If you were my daughter rid want you to come to mine and have supper and rest .

Imbusytodaysorry · 07/03/2026 08:17

HawthornFairy · 07/03/2026 08:13

Go to your Mum, right now! Once it’s done, it’s done. He can then go to court and sort out details of shared care if he wants to, though many men don’t.

You and your children deserve so much more than this, and right now your health and the health of your unborn child is paramount. You’ll be able to slowly rebuild your life, and without him being such a drain on you it will be so much calmer and actually easier!

Exactly. I wouldn’t be wasting time with ultimatums . He’s had years and he has shown who he is . There is a new baby die any day .
Op needs to head to her mums
now .

ThisHazelPombear · 07/03/2026 08:27

Well he’s not going to stop you if he needs constant lie-ins is he? What’s he going to do? Get up on time and drive to you? 😂

theotherrichmond · 07/03/2026 08:31

Please seek legal advice. Unfortunately, if he applies for a Prohibited Steps Order, you can be prevented from moving (or made to return if you do move). This is because you share a child.
This exact thing happened to me around 10 years ago. The law may have changed since then but I was served with court documents preventing me moving.

Wishitwas1996 · 07/03/2026 08:37

If staying with your Mum is an option, just leave before the baby comes. With a partner like you describe it is easier be genuinely on your own and build your own routines and support systems. Hard, but a preferable kind of hard.

Your step kids do have their mother. Do you have equity in the house?

Original poster
Tazzzmania · 07/03/2026 08:47

Wishitwas1996 · 07/03/2026 08:37

If staying with your Mum is an option, just leave before the baby comes. With a partner like you describe it is easier be genuinely on your own and build your own routines and support systems. Hard, but a preferable kind of hard.

Your step kids do have their mother. Do you have equity in the house?

We are also in the process of buying a house (the deposit is mine), and we are currently renting. The survey has come back on the house we are buying showing a number of issues so we might have to pull out. Which might be a huge blessing

OP posts:
NutButterOnToast · 07/03/2026 08:50

It is a blessing. Just move to your mums.

If he's that lazy he's not going to bother with any court orders and you'll be free.

You have to do it before you've given birth. Or you'll be too tired and ground down by then.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/03/2026 09:12

Tazzzmania · 07/03/2026 08:47

We are also in the process of buying a house (the deposit is mine), and we are currently renting. The survey has come back on the house we are buying showing a number of issues so we might have to pull out. Which might be a huge blessing

Show quote history

Pull out pull out pull out pull out please please please op. For your children’s sake. Keep your deposit.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/03/2026 09:15

Did he go 50/50 to avoid paying child care op? Did he have 50/50 when he was on his own, or only once you were in place? You may need to consider this as a possibility.

Lennonjingles · 07/03/2026 09:23

To be honest I think you are stuck for a while until at least you’ve had the baby and maybe now’s not the time to consider anything major. Have you asked what’s going to happen with all DC when you give birth. Can you visit your DM with your DC after birth to take a break and then see how you feel then. Were you consulted with regards to having DH’s 50/50, you are going to need help once you’ve given birth.

Original poster
Tazzzmania · 07/03/2026 09:52

arethereanyleftatall · 07/03/2026 09:15

Did he go 50/50 to avoid paying child care op? Did he have 50/50 when he was on his own, or only once you were in place? You may need to consider this as a possibility.

When we met, he had the kids regularly but not quite 50/50. When we eventually moved in together, it changed to 50/50 (he hated paying his ex anything). He wouldn’t make me moving with DC easy at all. He’s said in the past that if I were to “run off” with our DC he would see it as kidnapping. On my more sceptical days, I wonder if he just got with me to be a substitute mum to his older DC because he knew I would look after them. If I left him, he’d just find another woman to do the same with my kids. I know it’s something I’d have to get used to, but also not seeing my kids half the time would be unbearable

OP posts:
Wishitwas1996 · 07/03/2026 13:42

Tazzzmania · 07/03/2026 08:47

We are also in the process of buying a house (the deposit is mine), and we are currently renting. The survey has come back on the house we are buying showing a number of issues so we might have to pull out. Which might be a huge blessing

Show quote history

This is so important. Pull out.

rainbowsparkle28 · 07/03/2026 13:48

Contact your local housing department (council) and citizen’s advice re. financial support you may be able to apply for and housing options. Move to your mum’s even if just for a short period to get yourself together and contact the people you need to. And do not whatever you do go through with the house purchase.

outerspacepotato · 07/03/2026 14:06

Stop the house sale. Do not get in deeper financially with this loser. Keep that deposit, you might need to move out.

Yes, he got with you to have a bangmaidnanny so he didn't have to pay his ex maintenance while leaving the childcare to you. Now you know. But you're two kids in and you're pretty well stuck until you get back to work.

But don't buy any house. You don't want financial entanglement here. He sounds like a pos.

WallaceinAnderland · 07/03/2026 14:10

The survey has come back on the house we are buying showing a number of issues so we might have to pull out. Which might be a huge blessing

You don't need a huge blessing. You are allowed to change your mind and say you don't want to buy with him.

Obviously you need to separate. If you are able to stay with your mum go there for a visit and don't come back. Just tell him you want some space. Once you are away from him you will be able to think more clearly.

Ilikewinter · 07/03/2026 14:40

Tazzzmania · 07/03/2026 09:52

When we met, he had the kids regularly but not quite 50/50. When we eventually moved in together, it changed to 50/50 (he hated paying his ex anything). He wouldn’t make me moving with DC easy at all. He’s said in the past that if I were to “run off” with our DC he would see it as kidnapping. On my more sceptical days, I wonder if he just got with me to be a substitute mum to his older DC because he knew I would look after them. If I left him, he’d just find another woman to do the same with my kids. I know it’s something I’d have to get used to, but also not seeing my kids half the time would be unbearable

Show quote history

When it came to it though, would he actually push for 50/50? Including his own 2 kids is he really going to look after 3 children 50% of his time - can't see it myself!

pinkyredrose · 07/03/2026 14:43

Just go to your mums and househunt from there. He's a waste of space.

ThisHazelPombear · 07/03/2026 17:23

He can see it as whatever he wants. Don’t buy a house with him you will lose thousands.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/03/2026 19:44

I’m sorry you didn’t have the tools in place op to see that this guy was, and remains, a giant arsehole. Yes, you are a substitute mum for his older kids so that he doesn’t have to pay. Nothing sceptical about it, he told you. Yes, he will start looking about immediately for a new woman to move in with so that he can get 50/50 on your kids so he doesn’t have to pay and she can look after them.

that is the harsh and horrible reality op.

you can’t change what’s happened so far, you can’t change him, so all you can do is work out what’s the best way forward from here.

not buying a house or using your deposit is the first thing. Moving away, possibly stealthily, might be your best move. I doubt he could be arsed to go to court over his kids. I’m afraid he probably doesn’t care about any of them, just uses them to trap women.

category12 · 07/03/2026 19:52

Go to your mums.

100 miles isn't that far: it's unlikely he can stop you legally.