Does anyone else find friend groups really difficult? Can anyone offer any wise words or a shake?

[Mapletreeleaf]

Just that really.

I just find it so difficult and I feel like I am constantly bottom of the pile and I am struggling to keep myself involved and relevant. As an example recently I had suggested seeing a film and a few people said that they'd like to go see it too although no firm dates were planned. A few days later friend A messages the group to say that her and friend B are going to see the film later that afternoon if anyone wanted to join. That was not a day that I could do and was also not enough notice to sort childcare. Rather than trying to find another date that would suit they went to the cinema and I've still not seen the film. I am also the only one with a child which probably makes a difference although I have tried so hard to almost compensate for this and be present and show up more to things. The majority of my friends have openly spoke about how they see parents and think f that (which is fine it's not for everyone although I have to admit that it hurts a bit hearing my friends indirectly talk about how they think my life must be shit). I just feel so lonely. These are the friends that I have had for years and I don't feel that I can speak to them about this because I don't know what I would say and I think that anything I did say would make me sound whiney and needy.

Does anyone else struggle with this? Anyone have any advice on how not to be like this?

Frustratingly, I had initially typed this all out in a way that I felt completely encapsulated how I am feeling, then had to deal with a large spider and by the time I came back to finishing the post had vanished 🙃

Specifically re the cinema, I think your mention of the film sounded a bit vague, and then a couple of people realised they had the opportunity, so firmed it up. In fairness, rather than just going, they still invited everyone.
If I've read it correctly, you didn't say "I fancy seeing this, and can make Saturday afternoon or Tuesday evening - anyone want to come?" which is the only way to actually meet up with people, rather than "Oh, I'd like to see X film" but not making any suggestions. Going to the cinema isn't really a great social activity anyway - you can't chat your way through the film.

Separately, when any of us have a baby, our life changes significantly. You have to acknowledge that (at least most of us) can no longer just pick up our keys and our phone and walk out the door. It is part of what you take on when you become a parent. It is normally a time when friendship groups shift a bit. You can still stay in the chat, and make some of the meet ups, but you are never going to be able to be as spontaneous as you were until the dc are old enough to leave on their own. Accept that, and stop pretending that life continues as before.
However, you can also have other friendship groups. Friends you make through baby groups. Or other parents of babies you get chatting to. You can have more than one circle of friends. For the next couple of years, baby group friendships can be really supportive and understanding. Well worth investing in.

If you like Mel Robbins style have a listen to the Let Them theory - there’s a couple chapters about adult friendships which are quite practical with ideas.

Op thats hard. I mentioned a film to my colleague. Next week she had seen with her teen daughter. Anyway lesson learnt have a few friends for social things

Your suggestion of seeing the film was very nebulous and vague though wasnt it? you floated the idea but didnt suggest any actual dates. When people said they liked the idea you never followed up with any suggested dates.

Then, a few days later one of your friends invited you all to go but you couldn't. I think YABU for being annoyed by this. If you really wanted to go then ask everyone, hey guys, how about seeing X film on Sat at 8?

If you want to arrange a get together, then do it. You can't really be annoyed when other people are arranging things when you havent bothered to do it yourself

@JustGiveMeReason yeah that’s true I suppose i probably should have given a clear time. It’s more just that although I had mentioned it two of them had linked up to arrange a time to go whereas they could have also said to me before booking.
my daughter is four now so I definitely missed the window for baby groups friends. I’m lucky that she’s made a couple of friends and I’ve really got on with their mums so hopefully that continues 🤞🏻.

@Pumpkintopf I’ll have a listen 👍🏻

@MoonlessCorridor but no one has suggested a time when it was spoken about. I just think that I would have thought they would think oh let’s see what time Maple can do as she was keen to go as well which is what I would have done. I’d had a big project on at work that I was busy with so couldn’t make that weekend and I’m just disappointed that they couldn’t have waited until we were all free to see it.
I also do often arrange things and make plans so this really isn’t a case of me being passive and waiting around for someone else to invite me to things.

This is just one example though and that on its own I wouldn’t be too fussed with but it’s things like this that keep happening that’s getting to me

I’m just disappointed that they couldn’t have waited until we were all free to see it.

I've done this with things before though, and ended up with no-one going in the end, or, in a more recent case, trying to book tickets to something that sold out. It is hard work trying to tie up a whole bunch of people being able to go to something together. I overwhelmingly now just book and go on my own if I want to see a particular show or film. It means I can check my diary, check what tickets are available, and book. You've already said you can't go because of babysitters, and you can't go for over a week because of work. Going out shouldn't be hard work all the time. Watching a film (or play or show) is not something you'd be able to chat at, so just go and see it on your own, or say in the group "I'm going to book to see X film a week on Tuesday, the 7.40 showing. Does anyone want me to get them a ticket ?"

my daughter is four now so I definitely missed the window for baby groups friends.
Well, you've made a couple of friends already, and will meet lots of other parents sitting by the poolside or standing on the touchline, or waiting outside the hall they are dancing in, or through school events over the next 10 years or so too. It isn't exclusive to baby groups.

@JustGiveMeReasonyeah that’s fair. I suppose I could go and see it on my own. I think it’s just that I feel like I’m always an afterthought with these things.
Yeah definitely. The start of birthday parties have definitely opened up some doors with meeting other mums which I’ll probably try and invest a bit more energy into.