I really need some in law advice please, I'm at the end of my teather.....

[NoCuddles]

On Sunday there was a bit of a to do between FIL and myself, I don't particularly want to go into the details of what happened. But by and large FIL is a bully who throws tantrums when he is told no, or he is told he is wrong about something. We have had words/rows before as I wont stand for him treating me to talking to me like crap. He doesn't like it, he doesn't like being answered back by women full stop.

Anway I have forgiven FIL several times before for his behavior towards me (as mentioned above) but after Sunday I have decided that I will no longer tollerate him or his behavior. I want nothing to do with him. I have decided that I will give people one second chance with me only and if they abuse that then that is it with only a few exceptions (DD, DH, my parents) As I see that is why people like my FIL carry on doing it because I let them get away with it an d I am sick of being a verbal punch bag for bullies like him.

DH really stuck up for me on Sunday and I feel so lucky to have him as my husband but I can no longer take FIL's verbal abuse and orders for DH's sake. I need to do what is right for DD and myself. I don't want DD to see mummy getting upset by FIL and to think it is right for people to treat other people the way FIL does.

I have also decided that I will give FIl one chance and one chance only yo have a good relationship with DD and plan on telling DH that the second FIL upsets DD or any other DC we may have then that is it. I am not prepared to let FIL verbally abuse DD and call her names and disguise it as a 'joke' (he does this with MIL and myself).

My question is do you think that I am being unreasonable with my plans. Or should I give FIL one last chance?

Sorry it is long, it feels good getting this down in the written word.

What did he say to her?

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time, but am wondering how this is a legal issue.

Thefallenmadona, I never said it was a legal issue!!!!

yaryar, what did he say to who, me?, DD?

misread title.

Ignore me

lol the fallenmadona you have me re reading my post in case put a legal issue in there and cannot remember.

hanaflower, thankyou, I just feel a bit mean as at the end of the day FIL is still my DH's dad, and it cant be easy for DH. But I just cannot do it for DH's sake anymore. I get all worked up when I know we have to see FIL so much so I can feel my blood pressure rise.

Think you have been more than reasonable to put up with it as long as you have. I completely agree with you that people allowing him to get away with it, (usually to avoid a row or fight), is what makes them think they are always right and they get even worse. My FIL was exactly like this and got away with murder, (not literally ). I only put up with it once and would not have let my children see it again - I would have walked out. My loyalties are to my children, then my dh, then - a long way down the list - my fil.

By the way my FIL died from cancer several years ago so this is fortunately not an issue any more .

Will you tell FIL you are giving him one last chance, because otherwise he won't know anything has changed and is bound to do it again!

Helennn, thankyou I appreciate your advice. DD is only 7mo at the minute so she cant get upset by him now but I do worry about it when DD gets older.

My only problem now is how do I broach this with DH. We very rarely row and I will be gutted if this leads to a row, but I know now that I will stand my ground. This is very unusual for me as DH and everyone I know, know that I will usually back down. I WILL NOT DO IT ANYMORE.

Since I have decided this I feel so much more relaxed like I don't have to put up with people like FIL. I mean I'm 29 and it has taken me this long to get to where I can feel comfortable to say; well actually no it isn't ok to treat me like crap and I wont tollerate it.

I think DH be shocked and upset as he is used to me giving in where his family are concerned.

Clouded, I will tell him that next time I see him and it will be the only time I will say it.

He has no more chances with me though, the one chance he will get is with DD. I will not allow her life to be blighted by a toxic bully such as FIL.

To be honest your last post is a little worrying. Assuming your dh knows about the trouble you had on Sunday it would not be unusual for you to want to talk about it now. The fact that you are worried it will lead to a row really does echo what I was saying about bullies getting away with it because people let them. You should be able to talk about it with your dh reasonably and he should support you, to make it into a row and to expect you to back down is not good behaviour is it.

I think it is very important you do stand up for yourself, otherwise you could be going down a very slippery slope.

helennn, I completely understand what you are saying. I hate confrontation and I don't want it to end in a slanging match as it has done previously when I have tried putting my foot down with regards to DH's parents. Because DH is so used to me letting it go and I could never seem to get my point across to Dh without getting upset.

It is my fault it has gone on so long as I have been letting FIL get away with it. But I will no longer tollerate it, I will see it through to the end, what ever the end ends up being.

DH was with me when it happened on Sunday, MIL was very, very shocked that DH stuck up for me as previously he hasn't in these situations. DH could see that I was only doing what was best for DD and that is why I told FIL no and he was wrong. that is what FIL doesn't like, and that is why it has happened the way it has happened.

DH hasn't spoken of it since it happened. I am one of those people who has to discuss things like this to be able to see sense in it all. I feel like I am not able to talk about it to DH or to bring it up. I haven't spoken to anyone about it other than on here and it is driving me up the wall not being able to discuss it.

I don't want to wait until DH asks shall we go see his parents to tell him what I have decided. I think it only fair I tell him before he wants us all to go see his parents.

Sorry I seemed to have rambled again

No, this echoes my situation completely. Unfortunately my MIL also didn't help the situation, she had years of putting up with his behaviour and I think to a certain extent had come to believe he was the most important one in the house and not to be answered back to. The fact you are challenging this and not prepared to put up with his behaviour will probably come as a shock to everyone.

You are right, it is very important you speak to your dh about this, so he can see you do stand by what you said and it can't just be conveniently forgotten as though nothing has changed. What about saying one morning before he goes to work, "I want ot have a chat later about what happened on Sunday, things are going to have to change". It may give him the day to think about it and be a bit calmer rather than it get heated straight away. Or, what about writing it down in a nice, short letter and leaving it for your husband to read whilst you are out. I have done this before when I felt really strongly about something, my dh read it and then avoided the issue completely, but he did take it in and got the message!

These are just ideas, obviously I don't know if they would work for you, but I do think it is important you stand up for what you believe in and not to get bullied into playing happy families with FIL for the rest of his life.

Helennn, your MIL and mine sound like the same person and my MIL sticks up for FIL, which I suppose she would him being her husband and all. Mil is very used to DH backing her up but since we had DD, DH's priorities have changed and MIL is no longer his number one, MIL doesn't like it one bit.

I like your suggestion to tell DH I would like to talk to him about Sunday when he gets back from work. I also like the suggestion about the letter, I suppose a letter can be nice, calm and reasoned.

thank you

Does anyone else have anymore advice for me please

Best of luck - let us know how it goes

Without knowing what your FIL said to your 7 month dd it really is very hard to follow your OP imo

Thanks Helennn, I will keep you posted.

I've just called DH at work as I want to have a chat tonight with him about it all. I said that I have been mulling things over and I need to talk about what happened and about what I have decided. he responded by saying, Oh I'm just not gonna talk to him again unless we get an apology.
I didn't want to get into it over the phone so I said lets wait until tonight to discuss it.

So I feel loads better now about talking to him about it.

Sorry possie, I did waffle a bit didn't I. FIL didn't say anything to DD, he was trying to give DD something inappropriate (Adults novelty toy with little bits that come off, that she could choke on) and he said it was a safety toy. I told him he was wrong it wasn't a safety toy for DD's age group as it was an adults safety toy and no he cannot give it to her. He started shouting at me and calling me names, so I told him in no uncertain terms what I and DH says goes with regards to DD.

He didn't like it.

Brilliant, (your Dh's reaction on the 'phone I mean).

I think half the time they, (the sons/daughters), know it is wrong and either try to pretend it hasn't happened, or get angry because they know it's wrong but are embarassed by it. It is only when a child comes along that they have to confront is as an issue.

As for what he said on Sunday, yes, can totally understand. They have no idea about how to behave appropriately with little children it seems. My MIL and FIL were supposed to be coming to visit one Sunday. FIL 'phoned in the morning and asked to speak to my son, (aged about 5), I told him he had gone out with my DH. FIL told me he was going to tell my son he wasn't coming over that afternoon - for a joke. I told him it was just as well my son wasn't in then because he would be upset and that it wasn't funny, my FIL was very surprised. Some joke.

Anyway, I digress, you hold the power here, (ie access to their grandchildren). MIL will certainly have something to say about it if they think they are not going to see them unless his behaviour changes. Surely she can see that Nothing gives him the right to shout at you and call you names - that is unforgivable really. You do deserve an apology and assurance that nothing like it will happen again.

Thanks Helennn your right, TBH though I dont want an apology or an assurance that it will never happen again. I have had these before from FIL and only because he was told to, not because he was actually sorry. He has done it again and again. He has burnt all of his bridges with me now.

I will not stop MIL or FIL from seeing DD unless FIL upsets her and then he will only do it once. i will not let DD go to in laws house, MIL can come and see DD here to see DD at our house. FIL has already said he wont come here again.

Your fIL sounds a lot like mine too, I wonder if DH has a long lost Brother lol. How awful to think that would be a funny thing to do, tell a young boy that they are not comming to see him. .

My FIL calls me fat (he can't talk he is morbidly obese) I am only a stone ish overweight. But I eat healthy and excercise a lot, I walk everywhere. He disguises it as a 'joke'

I spoke to DH about it all this morning (I chickened out last night ).
It didn't lead to a row and he completely agrees with me on all points
in fact he says he is absolutely livid with FIL and DH refuses to contact him until FIL has apologised to DH.

Sunday was DH's first fathers day and FIL ruined it for him up to that point But he did have a good day after it happened.

Thanks everyone and Helennn for all of your advice.