Lost respect for him after having second baby

[givemecuptea]

Could do with some outside perspective because all this is churning round my head like a washing machine. Might be long.

Firstly I should say that DP has always been this way / had these traits but his good points were enough before so I cannot understand why I feel like this now!

Background - We have been together 20 years. I have a DD from previous relationship now at uni and we have a DS together who is 16. We have a baby who is a few months old as well which I should add it was me who wanted her DP said he was too old but in time he changed his mind and agreed he said so I could be fulfilled. I am a bit younger than him but late 30s so felt it was my last chance to experience motherhood as a 'proper adult' I was 18 and 22 last time).

DP has always been moody and he can be snappy and actually quite horrible if things aren't going his way. It's not every day but it is quite frequent. This is to everybody - his parents, his boss, me, even DS (not my DD) although less frequently. I've always gotten over it because I 'knew' he loved me and his upbringing was like this lots of outbursts then couple days silence then everything fine again.

He has always been irresponsible with money. Again probably because he was spoiled as a kid. Grudges paying bills although does pay the bare minimum proportionate to our incomes, but will happily buy presents for everyone take us out etc just doesn't like spending it on 'boring' stuff. Won't save. He is a hard worker when in a job but has left jobs before due to mood swings and arguments with bosses.

He has never been much good with emotional support and can be selfish. I didn't really mind this as he is not terrible for example he will comfort me if something he deems as bad happens, says supportive words, and I do tend to be anxious and a worrier so he is probably weary of me. However our baby is going through tests for a syndrome which carries risks for her health, it's quite serious. This whole time I have been the only one to advocate for her, to spend my savings when waiting lists were too long, and when I first found out he was utterly horrible to me. Could tell he was scared too but he was so cold to me when I was in throws of postpartum and he was working overtime (not for bills for his own stuff). I'm usually quite self sufficient, but he wasn't there.

Some good points are he is lovely when not in a mood, funny, I am attracted to him although this is less recently I don't want near him, faithful as far as I know, he puts up with a health issue I have which means I cannot have sex as often as he'd like, he used to have a drink problem but stopped a few years ago which I do have massive respect for him for and sometimes I think yes it is hard for him.

I don't know what to do. I'm sad and my feelings for him are confusing. Do I love him? If not, then what? He's what I've known for 20 years. Why now when he was the same after DS was born in fact worse?

Doesn’t sound like a happy relationship or family life.

I mean, you’ve spent decades with the man, so you know exactly what he’s like. I can’t understand why you decided to throw a baby into the mix.

Should have said I realise it is not an ideal situation, but people do things for their own reasons and weigh things up I suppose.

I was 19 when we met, and the relationship has been good at points. We were particularly good for a couple of years before we had the baby. He stopped drinking and we did not have many pressures on us.

Not looking to be judged I can see that myself, just more trying to explore why I suddenly feel this way now when he has always been this way. I wonder if it's because before we had this baby I did not 'need' him for much, DC were older I was working fulltime and also had more time to decompress from his moods and snapping therefore more tolerance. Since DD has been born I have had little time to myself and again needed him to be there and he has not been. I was 22 when I had our first first child (had my DD at 18) and I am now nearly 39. He was certainly worse then and I still loved him. Maybe I see things differently. I was thinking maybe it is partially hormones because I am combi feeding.

Shit with money

grudges paying bills (like WTF)

gave in about a baby he didn't want

never emotionally supportive

age gap

moody snappy asshole

alcohol problems

wants sex more than you

Works overtime to spend on himself

Mood swings

Argumentative with bosses

Doesn't help emotionally or financially with possibly medically complicated baby

You went ahead and had a baby with a older partner who didn't want another and he's got a laundry list of issues and he's checked out. You're doing it all and draining yourself physically and emotionally and financially. He's not going to change.

It looks like you're not married. I think you're going to have to get a referral to social work and see what kind of assistance you can get. I'm not in the UK so don't know what the process is for assistance but you need to get started.

I don't need assistance. Luckily I have maternity leave and although we are not high earners I live very frugally so could afford bills myself. We would have to do without holidays or clubs etc though. House is in my name he would go back to his parents who would give notice on their tenants and rent to him.

I did want another baby yes, but not with a third partner and already in my late 30s, and we were good at the time. He wanted her too, it's not like he didn't, he initially didn't but changed his mind after two years, to make me happy he said. Maybe I just never realised how this would be ):

Yes I am tired physically and mentally.