At a Loss

[Ranchwoman]

I'm looking for some advice as I'm at a loss as to what to do.

I've been with my partner just over a year (he's 57 I'm 42)and we live together. He's always been self centered, doesn't take accountability, deflects, goes back on his word etc. I would say typical male behaviour but not all men are like this.

He seems to constantly not be able to take action on his words and it's really getting to me. I get upset and don't trust anything he says anymore despite telling him again and again and again.

So we had a big bust up yesterday as he said everything is always his fault and never mine.

To be clear (I know this is my trauma) I was upfront with him from the beginning about my issues with females. No female friends etc (not unusual for couples to have that agreement) but when he gets in a strop he flings this back in my face all the time. Says he agreed to it but didn't mean it then when he's ok he says he does agree etc. Females are a hard boundary for me.

So the other day he messaged this women at work and put a kiss on the message. I obviously confronted him and he made excuses it was a typo and then said it meant ex not x as he was talking about ex wife.

Then last night he blew up saying I'm making him immensely stressed and depressed and did the usual of flinging everything back in my face that he had agreed to.

I told him I'm going to back off completely so now I've stopped doing everything for him and staying out his way as feel like I can't do anything.

He gets woken up with a coffee everyday, gets his lunch made for him, dinner on the table after work, all the house work done, tidy up after him. I arrange all our trips, dates etc. He's a spoilt brat basically.

P. S. he always guilt trips about being homeless as his ex kicked him out after cheating multiple times. Boo hoo right. So I feel guilty ending it and telling him to move out.

I think after a year its quite obvious the relationship isn’t right for either of you and so its time to walk away.

You need to end this relationship.

It's emotional abuse. And he has a history of having affairs. He's now messaging a woman and adding a kiss.

How much more will you accept?

I don't always comment about age-gaps as I do know several couples in real life with large age gaps. But at your age- only 42- you deserve better than being saddled with this selfish older man.

Why as a young 42 year old are you clucking around him like a mother hen, making his coffee, lunches, and dinner?

Nowadays women expect relationships (even at his age) to be more 50-50 with all the domestic stuff.

Maybe, and I'm trying to say this kindly, you need to reflect on why you've put up with this and if being emotionally abused has deeper roots like low self-worth.

Only a year in and you can't stand him already, it won't get better just chuck him out. It was hardly a relationship, all give from you and all take from him. Don't waste any more precious time on him.

So the other day he messaged this women at work and put a kiss on the message

Why are you checking his messages?

And more importantly, why are you doing this?

He gets woken up with a coffee everyday, gets his lunch made for him, dinner on the table after work, all the house work done, tidy up after him. I arrange all our trips, dates etc

I'd be really irritated about your views about having friends of the opposite sex - even if you were upfront about it.

Sounds like this relationship isn't healthy, or working for either of you. Get rid.

If you can't trust anything he says then why stay with him? You're setting yourself up for misery if you do. It doesn't sound like you're getting much out of the relationship so maybe it's time to move on?

It’s only been a year, you say he’s always made you unhappy by being self centred, you don’t trust him, it doesn’t sound as though either of you are happy. It’s not your responsibility to house him because his ex kicked him out for cheating, that’s just nuts. You aren’t going to turn him into the partner you want him to be by “spoiling him”, relationships really shouldn’t be this one- sided and difficult. You need to end it - and then have a really good think with yourself about your relationship patterns and why you let this farce develop before you start dating again, else you’re just going to be repeating the cycle and continuing to damage yourself.

Why are you bending over backwards and making this man the centre of your universe? You describe him as a subordinate, do you not want an equal parter?

I wouldn’t feel guilty he wouldn’t be homeless men like this seem to have a magical ability for finding women who will move them in asap.

In a nutshell, this relationship is entirely dysfunctional, absolutely no point forcing it. We are not dealing with one of you having some issues that could be ironed out with healthy communication and/or therapy.

"He's always been self centered, doesn't take accountability, deflects, goes back on his word etc". So, by the sound of it, that is something you knew about him from the beginning. It puzzles me why you would get into a serious relationship, then. It's like getting a chicken and then being surprised that it clucks and lays eggs.

He then agreed to your boundaries - Which I whole-heartedly disagree with, I could not be with someone who can't trust me to be friends with other women - But! that is besides the point, those are your boundaries, you are entitled to have them. So, he agreed to those, but didn't mean to actually respect them. Why even bother? Checking his messages is also a big yikes to me, first of all, but on a technical level, X being a typo for EX is fairly easy to crack. Gee, I don't know...does the sentence make sense with the word 'ex' in it? Like: "Gosh, I sure hate that b-tch x of mine".. Or "Who haunts you in your nightmares? My X'. I obviously jest here, but only because checking people's messages is a pretty immature thing to do in my book. Him lying about it is just dumb as well. If there is nothing to lie about, then there's nothing to lie about. So, in a magical way, both of you are just choosing to do questionable things to each other.

Look, @Ranchwoman . You have been together for a year - My 11-year old son showed an interest in a toy for a longer period of time than that, so by every sense of the word, it is still in early stages. And even so, there are problems and fights a plenty, even though it should be the pink phase with everything being peachy. What would you expect later on from something like this? I think it is obvious for most people that the right thing is if you go left, he goes right, and you stop annoying the hell out of each other.

He's a dependent man-child; he won't change and you need to reconsider the relationship if it's causing so many arguments. Life's too short to live with lemons.

He's unreliable and unkind and a liar. Also, due to the age disparity, if you stick around, in time you may well be nursing someone with ill health - which would be fine if he were nice but he's not. Get him out now.

Sorry OP but why are you with this man? He's moved into your house, and you run around after him doing everything? Stop being a martyr. You don't have to feel guilty about telling him to move out. Just end the relationship and stop putting up with his crap.

Did he move straight from his exs house to yours? That must have been quick and before you really knew each other, presume he isn’t on a tenancy etc!

He moved out in November/December and I met him in the February. Moved in end of July. I didn't know at first he had just moved out... Kicked out.

I agree with everything people have said. I know it myself but you know what it's like when you love someone. Try and make it work as much as you can.

How can you love this man?

He appears to have nothing lovable about him.

It makes me wonder if you know what love is, or if you just want a man, any man, in your life.

Have you had a long term relationship before this?

You don't seem compatible

It could be worse, you could be single…

in your lovely clean tidy house, with nobody to skivvy for and with peace of mind.

Sounds awful doesn’t it.

"So I feel guilty ending it and telling him to move out"

Wait - what?

You let him move in with you and put a roof over his head and he's treating you like this? Tell the good-for-nothing fucker to move right back out again. You aren't responsible for housing this shithead.

I've been with my partner just over a year (he's 57 I'm 42)and we live together. He's always been self centered, doesn't take accountability, deflects, goes back on his word etc. I would say typical male behaviour but not all men are like this.

I really hope ypu get some counselling in why you think the above is ok to be in a relationship with.

Come on. you know you are worth more than you are recieving. Sack this piece of shit off.

You both seem emotionally immature and unhappy in the relationship. And I don’t think a life of domestic servitude is a) healthy for you b) gives you the right to dictate that he cannot be friends with 50% of the population.

Have you considered therapy?

You're incompatible, he's untrustworthy, you're both miserable in the relationship. If you feel guilty ending it, don't - you have every right to end a relationship for any or no reason; he could do the same and move out tomorrow. You say you make it work as much as you can. Well, you've done that (has HE?) and it's not working.

If you feel honestly STILL feel guilty because he has no place to stay except where the two of you are living and no friends and no money for a hotel, even though he's brought this on himself by treating you badly, then end the relationship, offer him the basement or spare room or couch temporarily, and give him a month MAXIMUM to move out. And keep your distance as much as possible during that time, as you'll recover from a breakup much faster once you're not in contact with the ex. But remember - HE should be staying out of YOUR way, not vice versa, IF you do him this last, undeserved favour.

(And yes, get therapy about the jealousy before you get into another relationship. Unless you're going to date a monk who grew up in the monastary, everyone's going to have women in their lives.)

Wise up like his ex did and boot him out!

He is a liar and cheat and you are a warm, dry (and from your description) very hospitable place to stay and yet despite all that he still can’t respect you or your boundaries. Stop letting him take advantage of you and using you and put him in the bin where he belongs!

You don’t even like him, let alone love him. You’re just kidding yourself because you don’t want to single.

Honestly, this is an awful relationship for both of you and you both sound like you need to stay away from relationships and get therapy.