Daughter's boyfriend not liked by my family

[Valerie1965]

Hello, my daughter who is 28 has a boyfriend who is Indian. He's very modern, and is a great person. He treats her well and is very respectful not only to her but to me and my son and daughter-in-law. They like him very much. The problem is my mother and brother and his adult kids.

My daughter is a gentle soul and is quiet in her personality and her boyfriend complements her very well. My brother works with Indians and doesn't like them, hence has put them all in one basket and has an instant dislike to her boyfriend, and tells my mother what he thinks. My mother is the same - I am ashamed to admit but it's racism, even though funny enough we are all Sri Lankan! I am appalled.

My daughter doesn't know any of this but she has sensed whenever we have a family function. They are not outwardly rude to her boyfriend, but monitor him and then talk behind his back. My mother and I have had terrible fights over this and she loves telling me what my brother has discussed with her.

For example, there was a family function recently and my mother upset me very much by telling me what my brother told her as he criticised not only my daughter's boyfriend, but also my daughter. For example, she's too quiet, her boyfriend used their toilet during the function, etc, etc. I'm utterly disgusted with them.

This is taking a toll on my health (I'm just recovering from breast cancer) but I will never discuss this with my daughter as it will mean the end of any relationship she has with her grandmother and uncle.

I was invited a little while ago to dinner at my brother's place tonight and want to go and confront him and my sister-in-law about all this in a very peaceful manner, but was sworn to secrecy by my mother. Sorry about the long post and would appreciate any advice. Thanks so much.

I can totally see why you’d want to protect your daughter, and the ramifications for her future relationship with your mother and brother, but by the same token it seems a bit cruel allowing them to set themselves up for harsh criticism and ill will when they are completely oblivious your relatives feel this way about them. Imagine if (when) they finally sense this is the case and think back to all the times they’ve believed they’ve had a lovely time and they’d been completely deluded.

Does your brother have a problem with everyone who isn’t a member of his house using the toilet, or just the bf? Does he think he is ‘unclean’ or accused him of leaving it in a mess? What did he realistically expect him to do? He sounds absolutely vile, and your mum seems to share his views so I’d probably want to protect my daughter (and her partner) from such poisonous attitudes.

You could have it out with them and point out that such bigoted opinions about someone based purely on their race is vile (and illegal depending on what they say and their actions) and if they can’t keep a civil tongue in their heads around them and you then you will avoid seeing them - certainly your daughter and her bf won’t be attending any more family gatherings. Maybe the threat will be enough for them to rein in their behaviour.

But do you really want to spend time with such horrible people yourself?

I think there may well be a point where you have to tell your daughter what sort of ppl her relatives are so she can choose to spend time with them or not herself. You’re in a really difficult position, I’m sorry. I wish you and your daughter well and hope it resolves positively for you.

I think probably the best plan is to not engage with your mother about this. She's enjoying stirring the pot, it seems.

I would shut her down when she starts telling you what your brother said etc - you don't have to listen to her. Just broken-record her: "mum, I don't need to hear about this, dd's bf is a very nice guy" and end the conversation.

At least your relatives are outwardly polite and kind towards your potential son-in-law. I'm not sure what can be achieved by you confronting them or bringing it out into the open. They're very unlikely to change their minds.

I'd probably distance myself from those relatives and see them less, and make sure your dd & bf feel loved and accepted by you so they never have to wonder who you'd choose if it came to it.

If the relationship does end up in marriage and kids, you'll probably have to distance them even further. But worth it, I think.

Thank you for your replies. My daughter has been through a difficult time most of her life because of her father whom I am divorced from - he always targeted her and destroyed her self-esteem. Her boyfriend has done so much for her and she has made (and is making) such a beautiful recovery. My brother and mother know about her dad what he did yet still have no empathy.

I am reluctant to talk to my daughter about all this as it will only set her back to be honest. But if there's another family function, I will steer her not to attend in a tactful manner as she's not keen to go anyway as she senses things.

The toilet remark I have no idea, however I think it is because he's Indian which makes it even more horrible.

Yes, I do shut my mum down and have had terrible fights but she still can't help herself.

If your daughter isn’t keen to go anyway, that is (not ideal but) far better. You could focus on how tedious it will be and that you don’t particularly want to go yourself, while steering her and her bf towards doing something more exciting together and encouraging them to have fun.

With your mum you could remind her you don’t want to hear it and if she brings it up again, avoid seeing her the next week, or as regularly as shes used, to til she gets the message. Your brother too. If they ask, you can tell them what they say makes you uncomfortable as you love your daughter and very much like her bf, who is helping her and who could very well become part of your family.

I would keep your daughter away from them, refuse to mix with or talk to them at all, and tell my daughter what they've been saying. If you keep going to see them and playing happy families then of course they'll feel free to continue behaving so badly!

It's time to choose really. They are being racist. Do you want to stand by and have your daughter's boyfriend and therefore your daughter subjected to this?.

The fact is your daughter will soon enough decide she does not want to be around racist people and cut them out. You might then be the one telling your mother exactly why.

Personally I couldn't stand to be around. People like that, family or not.

My dad is similar but with gay people. His son is gay. Too many remarks and awkward looks. He actually said he didnt want my brother's boyfriend using their toilet. I lost it. Havnt seen him since and neither has my brother. He is married to his husband and my dad is a sad lonely prejudice prick! There was no chance I was going to allow anyone to speak to my brother like that. It would be worse if it was my child.

You cannot walk in the middle and be neutral here madam. You must choose a side - either choose your daughter and the young man who seems to be really good for her - or you choose your hateful ratchet gossip mongering racist relatives. Seems like a no brainer to ME but i'm not you.

However, you do need to tell your daughter that they have unkind things to say about her boyfriend (no need to go into minute details) and that you want her to know so that she can choose whether to attend these events or not. And that you will not attend them either if she chooses to skip them as you are allied with her and no one else. Then give her a hug and kiss and let her know you will always and forever be on her team without question and that she chose a very nice young man to date. You approve of her choice. You approve of her. You are proud of her, etc. etc.

Have the respect to treat her like a capable adult, fully able to make her own choices about who she wants to be around. Right now keeping her in the dark is setting her up like a target. Your Mother is raggedy for joining in, but at least she told you so that you aren't in the dark.