Do you really just ignore anything else?

[MissFeatherington]

Sorry, I couldn't think of a better title.

I have read advice that when dealing with a difficult ex that you ignore anything that is not directly related to children.

Do people really just ignore all the verbal abuse in between? The digs, the name calling?

I feel I shouldn't put up with it and I don't know how to ignore it and rise above it. Does no one even simply ignore the whole message even if there is a child related query within it? Or if you only reply to child centered things, do they learn to stop?

I don't want to worry about what I'm going to have to read when I open a message. Why should I have to read things that upset me when I'm trying to do the right thing?

I won't pretend I've not sometimes replied in kind, but I am so sick of it!

Advice would be very much appreciated.

Yes, its known as the grey rock method and can be effective when dealing with abusive/narcissistic people.

I’ve been going through this for the last 18mths and I don’t have kids involved we have our dogs well they are our children I suppose but fur ones
I really sympathise as it’s so hard not to reply my ex likes to message me still even now ! He has a GF which he found while he was with me !
I get the digs accusations and how I’m to blame for everything in the begining I use to get very angry so I use to defend myself and it’s was just so upsetting and stressful but now I’m just super polite through gritted teeth I had to rise above it for my own peace and I also realised he was getting off on the arguments and sending of messages so I put a stop to it all by saying you have your version of events and I have mine we will never agree so let’s just agree to disagree as it’s less stressful and we both need to move on in a healthy way for the sake of in my case our furbaby's when he didn’t get the reaction he got bored and now I get much more peace with the odd txt every now and again it’s either if he pissed of with the gf so he txting me behind her back knowing she will not like it or he had a few to drink !
If i was you I’d just keep communication to bare minimum and just the facts the need to know stuff / logistics re your children centred stuff and don’t rise to his level and i I can totally relate as I use to dread the messages but you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to so I’d just skim his message very quickly and if no relevance to children I’d then delete with no reply

I feel I shouldn't put up with it

I certainly know what you mean! It's hard to let go of 'standing up for yourself', but what good has that done us? They're not going to change, are they. They do it to make themselves feel powerful. It makes them feel powerful because we react emotionally.

Reacting emotionally just feeds them. It's important to remember they don't much care what they're saying, they simply have a set of insults and criticisms that trigger your reactions. So stop reacting. Do we want to encourage them? No! So stop rewarding them with tears, outbursts, arguments, apologies, justifications, counter-attacks. All that juicy emotion makes him feel important. What a sad little bully.

You know those old ladies who go "Yes, dear" at regular intervals while their husband yammers on about whatever makes him feel important? That's grey rock. With a verbally aggressive person, the point is not to play their game. Their game's called something like Poke Her Until She Does That Upset Thing (Bonus Round: Poke Her For Being Upset).

We've got a different game 😉 It's called Bore Your Bully (Without being Rude). You will succeed in making the attacks so unrewarding, it's hardly worth his effort any more. There are bonuses in this game, too! Now and again, you'll observe him floundering when he'd been sure he'd pushed one of your buttons hard - and nothing happened. Believe me, it's difficult not to laugh when this happens, but it's best to keep the game face on.

The game face is mildly interested. Very mildly. It might be the face of watching your child's twenty-seventh rehearsal of their lines for the school play, or listening to your boss's jargon-filled presentation on the same old new strategy for your department.
The mild responses are similar:
~ Yes, dear
~ Oh, really
~ Mmm
~ Oh, dear
~ Uh-huh
~ I'm not sure
~ I'll get back to you on that
~ What a pity
~ OK
~ Thanks for letting me know
... you get the picture.

Does he rant? Remember, you do not need to interrupt! It's his rant, let him have it. It's all about him, not you. Just wait it out. Distract yourself by timing it or counting how many times he says his pet word. Or thinking about dinner, whatever.

A rant doesn't need a response. Your game is Bore The Bully, and there's nothing more boring than giving someone a maximum rant performance, only for them to nod absent-mindedly and say "OK".

It can be a bit tricky to get started on being pleasantly boring - volatile relationships prime all sorts of irrelevant emotions. The good news is that it's perfectly fine to make someone wait a few seconds for a reply, while you take a slow breath and count to ten in your head. Then you say something pleasantly boring, shut up and get on with whatever you were doing. I was amazed how quickly I got used to it - though sometimes I'd make him wait anyway, because why not?

So how are you feeling, @MissFeatherington? Vaguely pleasant, quietly boring, I hope, and perhaps mildly amused.

Get someone else involved in making arrangements and regarding important information so you don’t have to read it. Possibly a family member. Only communicate through them.
Keep to this until reasonable communication resumes.
Keep it fact oriented

Ignoring it isn’t putting up with it. It is designed to get a rise out of you. Anything you do that responds to it feeds his pleasure in saying it and is putting up with it. Ignoring it neutralizes it totally. It’s also good for you - to coach yourself to remember that his opinion f you, his ideas and thoughts, are of absolutely no relevance to you anymore. Whatever he says, unless it’s about the kids, is pointless, noise, a waste of your time.

But simply refusing to deal with contact that is abusive, closing it immediately so you might not even know if it’s got something child related in there, is another reasonable approach. Though depending on the arrangement you have this might mean you’re on the back foot re: the children.

A way to completely avoid all the abuse, if you have a good enough friend, is to tell him you will only respond to his emails to a particular email address, then block him everywhere else. Have a friend to go through all communication and only forward non abusive stuff about the kids. This is particularly useful if the abusive is triggering and causes a trauma reaction, anxiety or distress.

If you’re in court over the children you might want to ask the court to order the exclusive use of a parenting app - they keep all the records of what is said and the evidence is accepted by the courts, which normally stops abusive co-parents from continuing abusive communication.

Block him on everything except one specially created email. Only check this if and when you feel able to deal with his tirades in a detached manner.

Maybe switch to a co-parenting app for arrangements? You shouldn't have to put up with his nastiness.

I'd consider getting a new phone number and switching everyone you like to that and then just use the phone sim for your current number for when he actually has the kids, and otherwise only check messages when you're in the mood.

Ignoring someone is far more effective than replying. It gives you more power as he is left waiting to see how you respond and he can't tell if he has got to you.

a friend had to do this

the ex ended up accusing her of something and the police went round. She was able to show them her emails from him

in the end he had a restraining order put on him

That's hilarious @GarlicFound - you write really well.

@MissFeatherington if you go down the legal route you can download a court app . I’ve read that on here . You would have to get some further advice from someone who has maybe used it .
It’s means anything he says would be seen and noted.
In your case this sounds the best way to stop abuse. I agree I wouldn’t put up with it, daily abuse and anxiety.

Insist on using a coparenting app where all communication is logged.
If he is verbally abusive, tell him to stop
If it continues report him for harrassment

You do not have to put up with this type of behaviour

Switch to a court approved co parenting app. OurFamilyWizard is one. That way nothing can be deleted and his messages can be viewed if you take this back to court for whatever reason.

www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk/

You do not have to put up with this shit. Take his power away by switching to this.

If you're angry with something he has said, the best revenge is to ignore it completely. It will drive him crazy. I'd just say, "we're all entitled to our opinions and we all have a different perspective, now in relation to (insert child's name) perhaps ....." The moral highground is a fantastic place! Good for your dignity and equally as effective as telling him what you think of him.