Help me find a light

[SadSoulDeelpyCut]

Hi All,

I just feel like one in a million. Just another one who believed and hoped for impossible.

I found out my partner cheated on me. Found out through social media. The woman was vague about it, but I had enough evidence. I said I’m not angry on her, she said it’s nothing to do with her (well it is, her rotten morale and no solidarity to other women).

There were a lot of issues in our relationship. His drug addiction (I found out a year ago), alcoholism, gambling, debts. The whole bucket. I wanted him to get better, to find help, tried being harsh, tried not putting pressure, but if someone doesn’t want it, they don’t do anything about it. Only gives a lot of promises now, with no further actions.

I’m so heartbroken, especially about cheating. I’d never do that to someone I love, to the closest person in my life. I keep crying and trying to make sense of it. I cannot justify it. I feel all over the place. I cannot think straight. I just want this pain to go away. We have two kids, a toddler and a baby born towards end of the last year. I need to find a new way of living. But I’m crushed. I feel like an absolute idiot.

My question is, how did you get over it? The life changing hurtful moments, how did you trust again,
how did you find the light?

Please be gentle, I’m suffering enough. Just looking for hope.

P.S. He doesn’t live with us anymore. He keeps saying he loves us and would do anything to be with us again. However I don’t believe him and I won’t ever forgive him for infidelity.

I had one of these many years ago.

One day I walked in, he was passed out on the sofa, we'd broken up a few weeks before. Out of nowhere, clear as a bell, I thought, "you're not my problem any more". I can even remember where I was standing. You don't want a drug addicted cheat in your life. You simply don't.

I have never looked back. Very happy now.

The light comes in it's own time, so slowly that you don't even notice it at first. Don't force it, don't fake it. Just hold the resolve that you know you deserve better and allow yourself to grieve for what you thought you had, and would have. Note that I didn't say for what you lost, because what you lost wasn't the life and the future you were living. You haven't lost someone who was good and loyal to you, a loving partner and father. That's not who he is. It's who you thought he was. It hurts and it takes time, but I found it helpful to separate the idea from the reality.

I had weeks/months where I broke down at the most random of things, I can remember crying at an advert for Disneyland because the family looked so happy (2 parents 2 kids) and I realised mine wouldn't have that. And then slowly, more and more occasions popped up where my nervous system reached for a response and I realised it wasn't warranted. Times where those issues we had would have reared their ugly head, a small inconvenience/non-issue that would have caused a big argument. Being able to say yes to plans without worrying what he'd think. And every time, I could breathe a bit easier.

I would have loved a nuclear family, and a happy every after with a man who loved me, but that isn't what I was going to get anyway. We co-parent really well, because there's no anger, I'm genuine far happier and healthier than I've been for years and he's likely done me a favour. But I couldn't have seen that then.

Good men are out there, you're not looking for the impossible. You just didn't find the right one. For now. Let your nervous system catch up and you'll soon realise you are far better without him. The light will find you. I promise 🎈

Thank you very much for the beautiful post. It makes me cry reading it. I’m just feeling like a mess right now. I’d rather not care about it. I’d rather take my kids outside and go for a walk, without worrying about my puffy red eyes and sore head. It just hits me, the memories, it’s like a movie that keeps bringing the pictures in my head and I’m thinking was he with someone else then. Then I remember the worry, when he goes to the shop for another beer, another wine and disappears for few hours. Comes back and makes up where’s been - for a walk - he says. And I’m thinking, were you using drugs…. Trying to look into his eyes to find any evidence….

I’m taking this as a lesson. Very hard one -emotionally and mentally. I hope one day, I’ll look back and be the happiest woman because I’m no longer there. No longer in my pain, he’s no longer my issue and I hope I’ll have someone by my side, someone who respects me, loves me and cares about me. Someone, who is a good man and if it meant I had to go through so much pain to meet him, then it was worth it.