Is there an app for this? H with possible ADHD

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

DH and I have quite a few issues and I have posted about these before. I have decided not to leave at this point and I am trying to get on top of things and make it work as a friendly co-parenting household.

One thing which has driven me nuts for years is that DH naturally does far, far less around the house and life admin. He just has a capacity to let things drift even when they really matter.

If I "just leave them" and don't nag they don't get done, mostly.

I have tried putting a list of stuff that needs to be done on the family whiteboard and then agreeing who will do what. This will work for about a week and then he forgets about it.

This has become more of a problem in the last 18 mos as DH gave up work entirely. Our kids are mid to late primary. So he has around.30h a week of time to himself. He will still somehow manage not to do pretty much any housework, or minimal, unless specifically asked.

Relevant: I strongly suspect he has ADHD. Won't list all the reasons here. But as I am trying to keep things positive - is there any easy to app that people with ADHD or executive dysfunction would recommend to create a very simple task list or to do list on a weekly basis to help keep organised?

I am trying very hard not to nag. But I also cannot earn all the money and keep all the house and family stuff in my head and double check it has all got done. It's too exhausting.

Any advice please?

I’ve heard Tiimo is good, but no personal experience

I use Finch for the to-dos and Dubbii to get things done. Look into body-doubling, making stuff fun, competitive and deadlines. Work with what he IS good at too

An app isn't going to fix this. He needs a diagnosis. Ritalin has been life changing in our household.

An app is indeed unlikely to work here.

What does he do all day?. Are you yet another woman running around desperately trying to keep this sinking ship afloat whilst he merely looks on?. What message does this send your dc?.

Why are you trying so hard when he is seemingly doing nothing?. He likely sees all those jobs on the whiteboard as your job because you are female. You may well be wrong re he and ADHD.

Does he actually want to be assessed?.

What is the point of you and he being together now ?.

Thanks everyone, honestly appreciate all replies.

If I started getting into the whys and wherefores of staying I'd be here all night - and bore you witless!

He will not access medical help. Not for this, not for anything. I conserve my energy in the marriage and trying to make him get help is so soul destroying I just don't bother.

Thanks for the app tips, I will have a look at them all!

I was kind of in a similar position - I went into psychosis from the stress

Follow adhdlove they're a couple. The husband often posts tips for how to help a partner with adhd.

Although try as I might the only thing that helps me do housework is my meds or the crushing knowledge that I am avoiding something else that I really don't want to do 😂

Routine and alarms

So for example Monday at 10 is always, always change the beds time. And this is in the calendar, with an alarm. Not Monday sometime - then it won’t happen. Monday 10am. Monday 2pm is dark wash.
Tuesday 10am is light wash. Dishwasher goes on every evening and is unloaded after school run. Etc.

Set himself daily time limits on any time stealing apps like social media or games.

Nipto was ok as you got points to be the one to do the task and he was competitive about it though then got a bit down that I had way more points
I use Joon with the kids

A diagnosis and medication transformed my life. I'd start with that route rather than apps. They can come later.

It doesn’t start with an app. It starts with him wanting to do better and therefore looking for ways to do better. You are there to support him not run around looking for ways for him to adapt. Be careful that what happened to @LucyLoo1972 doesn't happen to you. Mine was diagnosed, highly opposed to meds instead went around telling everyone that I was crazy. Now my 3&5 especially 5 year old see how messy and disorganized he is and she’s constantly complaining of how he is always rushing them about because in her words he doesn’t do things when he should.
We don’t live together anymore.

My dd has adhd.

if this is adhd an app will not fix this. She has tried endless apps.

In that case write him off and work around him. You can't fix him and you'll wear yourself out trying.

Hi all and thanks @LucyLoo1972 in particular!

Yeah I have a stress related health condition from all this. Not going into why I can't leave atm but I can't so trying to make as smooth as possible.

@watchingthishtread it's the nature of living with him. He says he will do something, it doesn't happen. He agrees something and forgets it next day.

I'm so done with it all so trying to find ways to work together peacefully till we are in a place to split. Which we will get to, but not yet.

If you can’t leave at present for your own reasons then at least start the process of separating from him. If you have not sought legal advice to date then consider doing this sooner rather than later. Actively planning and otherwise planning your exit may also alleviate some of the worst aspects of your health condition.

and your kids will also thank you.

Yeah Attila.you might be right! Thanks

Have I missed something? Why has he not worked for 18 months? Was it a choice you both made to make childcare/home life easier? It obviously hasn't so he needs to get back to work asap. I strongly suspect my DH has adhd but he works full time in a role which suits him. He is useless at life admin and I work part-time so I can pick up most of this. I honestly would give him an ultimatum. Diagnosis and medication/get back to work/ you leave. If you dont want to do this can you start relationship therapy? With any luck the therapist will tell him he needs to get his adhd sorted.

Only do your own stuff. If he’s sitting around all day not meal planning, food shopping, cooking, washing up, tidying, then drop him in it so he has no choice.

Food shop and cook for yourself. Clean up after yourself. Wash your own clothes.

Surely, he needs to eat and wear clothes. So he will have to get up off his lazy bum and do it. Lots of people have ADHD. They aren’t sitting around unemployed doing nothing and having their partners sort everything for them.

The problem with that is it leaves me doing everything and that has nearly broken me in the past. I have a "big" job and for some time, I was doing all the housework and mental load plus earning the money.

What happens if he doesn't get pushed to do stuff is, it doesn't happen and it is not just him who suffers. The smoke alarms don't have batteries in. Pots he has cooked in sit on the side going mouldy. The children's rooms don't get hoovered, the bathroom they use doesn't get cleaned. The day before the dance performance, it turns out the costume hasn't been ordered. Those are all real e.g.s.

Some of that has shifted as I have started to absolutely insist on some stuff, like the kitchen being cleaned every night before bedtime and he has to help. But it is me driving stuff all the time and it's tiring.