Unhealthy/dysfunctional family dynamics

[Bodn86]

I am both the eldest daughter and eldest child of 3. We are from an ethnic minority background. I prioritised the needs of my younger siblings and the expectations of my parents since getting my first job in my early 20s. Not wanting to displease my parents by marrying someone outside of our culture, I waited until my mid 30s to marry when someone both myself and my parents felt was suitable came along. I had 2 children in quick succession then my marriage broke down. I'm now a single parent in my late 30s. Financially I'm not in a good way after 15 years of living well independently supporting my parents, and paying for holidays for me and my siblings. I suffer(ed) with postnatal depression and anxiety after both pregnancies and I genuinely don't recognise myself in photos from before my marriage. I also don't remember much of my children's early lives before I separated from my husband.

During the past couple of years I've had a falling out with both my siblings. With my sister it was after she came to visit my city to meet a friend but refused to stay to attend my first children's arrival party (this is a cultural thing). I had very few invitees and thought I could count on her to come (she had initially agreed). Shortly after, she got married and did not invite me claiming she didn't think I'd want to attend "and English wedding" (she married outside of our culture and I had always been supportive of her, telling one time how proud I was of her for breaking cultural norms). My parents sided with her and we've not spoken for almost 2 years. She didn't even contact me after I gave birth to my 2nd child. I don't want to list the ways I supported her when we were younger, but she lived with me for 3 years while she was at uni and I supported her financially for the entire time.

My brother and I have always been really close. Hardly ever argued. He depended on me a lot financially but also in terms of personal admin- I'd be the first person he'd call if there was an issue with work, if he needed his accounts sorting, an email drafted (this was before AI!). I didn't mind because I enjoyed his company. After I married and started a family I became less available to help him out and he seem more and more irritated with me. I started feeling like he was using me and it all came to a head in a cafe a few months ago. I left my mum to take care of my kids so I could help him with something in the cafe. He started abusing me in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear. He made fun of my marriage, my mental health. I cry when I remember it. I was so taken aback, I left the food I ordered untouched and walked home. We haven't spoke since (like my sister he's blocked me on WhatsApp- not that I've tried to contact him since). Again my parents have taken his side.

Anyway, my youngest child had a birthday recently and my mum mentioned that my brother has a gift for them. I just feel ridiculously confused. Part of me wants to refuse it? Would I be unreasonable to do this? He hasn't reached out to me in a few months, I'm still blocked. I don't understand why he'd buy my child a gift?

Sorry for the length of this post. Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

Bump

They sound entitled. I’d tell him to shove his gift and just take your kids out on your own or maybe with one of their friends and not waste anymore time on them.

Thanks so much for reading and responding. I think all three of us developed an unhealthy sense of entitlement. Our upbringing was a little dysfunctional although I didn't realise it until much later. The gift has just made me so confused. I know if I reject it my parents would be unhappy but also they won't relay my rejection back to my brother.

I think you may benefit from some therapy. It sounds as though you’ve been put in the people pleaser role, which has made you vulnerable.

a few sessions with a good therapist specialising in family dynamics may be really helpful

I'd accept the gift but make it clear that his actions have not been forgotten. Maybe he has realised the errors of his ways? Its about time you got something back in return. You've been too nice to your siblings for years and it's only now that they seem to realise this.
Don't let them walk all over you again though, make it clear that your dc are your priority now.

I voted YABU to refuse the gift, because it’s not yours to refuse.

However, YANBU as in you’re not the arsehole in this situation from what you’ve written. This ultimately goes back to your parents and I’d wager your siblings are resentful of you for whatever role your parents have set you up in eg golden child. You’re also somewhat their parent too and that will bring up conflicting feelings for them and they’ve probably been unfavourably compared to you, vocally and obviously, by your parents.

This shouldn’t excuse your siblings as they’re adults now and should reflect and examine these dynamics, but they’re also conditioned to be this way. All you can do is you.

I agree with the posts above. You were put in a role where it seemed normal to support others whilst receiving little yourself. I'm Asian and I recognise this dynamic where so much weight is put on the daughter being dutiful and sacrificing herself for the family. The fall out is awful when you learn to say 'no'.

Your siblings have behaved terribly. There is no coming back from your sister not inviting you to her wedding and from not acknowledging the birth of your child. These are big life events. Your brother's reaction too is awful but he seems to be reaching out slowly. He seems selfish though and whilst accepting the gift , for my child, I would not be reaching out to him or helping him any more.

OP from now on I would be learning to live for myself and my kids. You need to focus on your mental wellbeing and improving your financial situation - this alone would limit your capacity to help others. I would be keeping myself at a distance from the siblings and parents until I have learnt to say 'no' repeatedly and often. Don't fall back in the same pattern of sacrificing yourself as you have seen now how selfish they are. Your kids deserve your time, they don't.

Thanks for your responses.

I don't think my brother has seen the error of his ways, neither do I believe he's reaching out or trying to make amends. Surely he'd unblock me in that case which he hasn't?

I'm actually more upset with my brother than my sister. I've always been much more closer with my brother but our relationship seems to soured since I got married. He expected that I continue being at his beck and call, answering immediately when he rings me, paying for trips and meals out as I had been doing for 15 years, and without consideration for my kids, or the fact I wasn't working. My sister never spoke to me the way he did in the Cafe that time. He referred to my postpartum MH struggles as "PMS", told me I needed to sort my marriage and my life out, and how my incompetence was tantamount to abuse of him and my parents. This was all loud enough for the entire Cafe to hear. I don't think I could ever forgive him.

But perhaps even more painful is my parents' defence of him and my sister. They don't allow me to state anything negative about either of them, even if it is the truth. Meantime I'm certain they spend their time discussing how mentally ill and deranged I am, how terrible my life choices are etc.

Sorry to be bumping this again. Struggling a little today and wondered if anyone had experienced soemthing similar to my situation.

Time to put you and DC first. Let your other family members work their own problems out. Never get involved and help in any way again. If you decide to see them detach your feelings as if they were strangers. This way you won't feel duty bound to help.

If you let them manipulate you they will destroy you, your DC, your happiness and life chances. Make a new and better future for your own little family with love and laughter. All the best for your new life.

OP, I’m with someone who has messed up family dynamics like yours and is also from a minority. It’s very difficult to watch as an outsider and not something I ever witnessed before meeting him. I think parents are to blame for the majority of these siblings fall out, they nurtured these dynamics where it was ok for you to be parentified and take responsibility for everyone, it was ok not to call out your siblings when they were nasty to you. I know it’s difficult but I would distance myself from the family and focus on my own life. You don’t owe them anything. Were you supported by them emotionally when you struggled with your mental health?