Have you ever ended a relationship when you're still in love?

[Patient2026]

Just as the title says..... have you ever ended a relationship with someone you were still deeply in love with and what were your reasons?

Yes, because I was also in love with someone else.

Yes!! God. I thought I'd die, the grief was enormous. It was like Civil War limb removal; nothing but a shot of whiskey and a prayer to get me through the pain of that bone saw hitting me below the knee. I thought I'd never get over him.
But he was unfaithful and he was killing my spirit. I hated who I was becoming in that relationship. So I left him for me.
That was nearly 30 years ago. I'd love to see him again as an older person and just hug him... hug us, really. We were young and careless. I am sure he's a better person now. Most of us evolve into being better people.

Yes, because he cheated. Despite his apologies and promises, I knew that I would never trust him again. I was only 21, he was my first love and I was devastated. It took me a long time to get over but I did. It was absolutely the right decision.

Yes, and it wasn’t easy but was necessary due to behaviours.
Love is not a reason to stay. It’s a complication that keeps far too many people in unhealthy relationships for too long.

Yes, because he was my childhood sweetheart and I didn't want to be tied to one man for the rest of my life. I was 19 and wanted my freedom. I don't regret it but I still think it was a case of bad timing and if we'd met a decade later it could've worked out.

Yes, I left him to be with my husband.

Big mistake. 25 years later I think of him nearly every day.

Yes.

When I was 18, mutually, because he had to go back to his home country. We'd been together 4 years.

When I was 22, because I moved to go and live abroad for a couple of years - felt it was unfair on both of us to do long distance at that point. Also 4 years.

When I was 27, because he cheated on me while I'd been away for months, even though it was a one off short lapse of judgment and he was super apologetic and made every possible effort to make it up to me for the next 7 months. I hung in as long as I could, but just couldn't get past the betrayal.

And this year, because he has severe mental health issues which make him very unreasonable. I love him, I'm pretty sure he does actually love me, but I cannot deal with the way he reacts to even the most minor conflict, with instant escalation, accusations and then silent treatment for days to weeks, and it being up to me to try to make up. Don't think there's one single conflict that we ever came to a satisfactory conclusion on, the ADHD/RSD/emotional dysregulation/anxiety made it impossible.

@Patient2026 - why did you ask, what's your situation?

Yes. Because he had a cocaine habit.

Yes
i I loved him but his secretive behaviours and me finding suspicious stuff in his house that could indicate cheating had my nerves shot to shit .

Yes because I wanted children and he was suffering with depression we stopped having sex and I couldn't wait whilst he wasn't willing to get his depression treated.

It wasn’t a healthy sort of love but yes, I ended my relationship with my ex while I was still completely in love with him. He used to be incredibly violent towards me and controlling, generally just absolutely awful, but like them all, when he was good, he was amazing. Or so I thought. Of course hindsight is a wonderful thing and I can see now it wasn’t truly love… but it felt like it at the time.

Yes, I have and I regret it. My situation was not like the above (cheating, drugs etc.). It was because I thought the grass was greener elsewhere and it wasnt!

It was my first big relationship after divorce (which was 5 years back). Fell in love with him quick and it was great. It showed me what a true relationship felt like - felt so loved back, everything he did was unconditional, no nasty words, no drama. Everything was there, our families got on, friends did. Was he the best looking, no, and he was bald which was not my type but I did love him and would trust him with anything.

But, after 18mths or so I started to get bored. Admittedly we both had high powered jobs so tired in evenings, mainly in front of the TV and we didnt make any effort re; date nights etc. Some of my friends were saying how exciting their dating lives were, seeing guys, having real fun and excitement... so I decided that I wanted that excitement too.

It was tough letting go, he really didnt see it coming and was very upset. Sure, initial excitement was there, and a couple of dates with very attractive guys (one of which I took to bed the first night). But then it hit - it was great for short term fun but none of the guys had his presence, of making me feel warm and safe (which I did from pretty much day 1). One looked great but lived in a human pigsty. Another had limited conversation and was dull.

After a few months I realised what a mistake I had made. I had security, love, he would do anything for me and I had chased short term fun. I did try to get back in touch but he was not interested - why? Because I just left, didn't give him/us a chance to discuss and then make some changes to see if it would work. By all accounts he has met someone and seems happy enough but we had something special which I think could have lasted well into old age!

So it all depends in why you want to end it while in love - DV, Abuse etc... of course leave now! If it's because of money / age gap / long term plans / looks then give it a go as you have a lot to lose. It also depends on how old you are? 20s, plenty of time to find someone and lots of options. 40s-60s, the good ones are in the main taken. And while making the Karma Sutra volume 2 or having a George Clooney on your arm may seem like a good idea, that will not last as you get older. Also if you are around the menopause age (I was) that could also be a factor, I think it was for me. Now I am through that I would never have done that if that situation arises today.

More info on your circumstances would help get better advice

I haven't, but my ex-partner did because his ex-wife was moving to Australia with his children. There was a lot of emotional blackmail involved on her behalf - we were going to try and make long distance work (him moving to Australia, me visiting), but he started regularly getting messages from his children asking him to move into the 'new house in Australia'. He went back to the relationship for the sake of the kids. Noble on one hand, horrible modelling of what a 'good' parental relationship is supposed to be on the other hand. I don't know how well it has or hasn't worked out as once he had made the decision I told him he was committed to it and not to me. I hope he's happy. I doubt he is most of the time. There's a reason I haven't dated since 2019, I am only just coming out the other side of that pain now.

Forgot to add - its also what is important to you and what are you looking for?

If you want kids and he doesn't (or vice versa) - thats not easy to compromise on so that could be a good reason to love someone but move on.

If he gets the household into debt, or drinks a lot and wont change habits then thats a good reason too. If he is willing to change seriously, then maybe give it a go

If you want to move abroad and he has said no, and that is the most important thing for you then again a good reason. Happened to my friend. Her parents were getting on and she wanted to head back to Canada (where she was from), he wouldn't move.

If he leaves his pants on the floor and toilet seat up then try to educate, but stay!

My situation is a bit different. Im just not sure i can make him happy which in return makes me unhappy. I think a lot of people in his past have not treated him well and I feel like its affecting how he sees me, or interprets things. He can be quite stubborn and not see the other side of things very often.

I can't change the way he thinks so I feel its quite out with my control.

Yes, I was with someone for 13 years from the age of 20 , and thought they were 'the one'. He was a workaholic with occasional depression, but I fully supported him . Ran around like crazy making his life easy, totally smitten. The only problem was he never prioritised me. I was always at the bottom of his list. It was like being single with none of the fun.

I broke off the relationship. It was awful at the time, but I don't regret it.

Well not so different, the majority of answers on here are at their core
"Yes, because you can't fix other people"

Yes - because of commitment issues on his part, it was really hard but after almost 3 years I knew he wasn’t going to change. It was like grief but I knew I was doing the right thing

Yes because he lied and lied and lied.

Only you can decide what you want to do OP, but one thing I've learnt from leaving someone you still love is that you really need to feel you did everything you could before leaving. I left without giving it my all, mainly because I didn't realise that there were ways of working on our relationship. Maybe we'd have split in the end anyway, but at least I would have known I tried.
Perhaps in your case he would be willing to try counselling?

It’s not working for you, OP, which is the best possible reason for walking away.

And yes, I’ve also left someone I loved. He didn’t want to live abroad, and I wasn’t prepared to pass up on seeing the world for him. No regrets.

Yes. I knew he didn't love me the way I loved him, so I jumped before I was pushed. Better to be alone than in half a relationship. I'm still single, he's now married. I don't regret walking.

I'm in the process of doing this now. The pain is absolutely horrendous