Suspect my friend is a narc

[99problems9]

I have a friend who is setting off alarms and I’m unsure if I’m getting the wrong end of the stick.

Ive read a bit about narcs and how they weaponise empathy and use it as a tool to gain supply. I have this feeling that this is what my friend is doing.

I met her when I was feeling a bit down and we connected. In the beginning it was very intense and it seems to have faded a lot. They seem to approach people who are a bit low and be-friend them. I think this person has had a string of friendship circles over the years and not had ones for long, they start very intense and she wants to help then they appear to get replaced.

I have this feeling that I am being replaced by others that they feel will give her more attention.

I may be wrong but could this be possible?

Narcissism is a very popular word on Mumsnet that gets bandied about even more than 'safeguarding'.

From what you've said, she doesn't sound particularly narcissistic, just a bit unpleasant and wanting a lot of attention from 'new people' when the attention from others fades.

Yeah she does definitely want attention. It’s the way she gets it by over empathising then disgarding that worries me a little. She will also talk quite badly about someone in one breath but will in the next breath happily take attention from them. It is all starting to feel off, that and I think she is getting bored of our friendship I feel and has found a new one.

You don’t need to give someone a psychiatric diagnosis to dislike them

I knew someone exactly like this OP.

Even her mum said 'She doesn't collect friends, she replaces them'.

She just liked the buzz of new friendships and the attention they brought, and would disregard her old ones in favour of them.

Not narcissistic, just very attention seeking.

Does it really matter if she's a narcissist or not? It's a 'diagnosis' that gets bandied around a lot now. All friendships can wax and wane, it may be that your friendship has run it's course. She's allowed to have other friends! If you feel she's not as invested in your friendship as you are, just let it fade. Why waste headspace trying to analyse her? Move on.

Maybe tell us a bit more about her behaviour? I know about this because I was belnf abused by my exDP who probably does have narcissistic personality disorder (I have read the diagnostic criteria and be appears to meet them in spades). I also have an ex best friend who dumped me and certainly had narcissistic personality traits and was also controlling me.

You have had some unkind replies here.

Yeah I know this. When you meet people you don’t just ignore your other friends and just move on do you? You add friends I thought. Isn’t this how friendships deepen. I just get the impression like it has been mentioned that she likes the newness then moves on.
Sad really as our kids have made close bonds.

You don't like her behaviour, the friendship isn't working for you?

Stop seeing her as a friend and giving her your time and energy. There is zero need to pathologise this, or give her a label or a diagnoisis. Some people are just not worth hanging out with, that's all.

Sorry I’m probably over reacting but I feel like something is going on and I’ve been “trapped” in something. She has been buying over expensive gifts for my kids birthdays etc and I can’t help but feel that trust is being used. Something feels off and I can’t put my finger on it.

Trust your gut. If the expensive gifts feel out of place then you're probably right. Is there a reason you can't arms length her?

How often do you see her currently and in what context?

This should be a sticky on half the posts about friendship on Mn.

Especially the baffling kind where it seems clear the poster could never have liked the person.

OP, do you like this woman? Because you sound as if you only liked her when she responded in a certain way to you.

Yes I do like her. I think the problem might be me also. It’s the constant drama that she lives in, she’s always fighting with someone, her partner, strangers. I think I’m too boring, I don’t really want drama. It was ok in the beginning but no matter how much advice she keeps going back for more drama. I think she is just attracted to it and I just want peace in my life. We probably aren’t too well suited, which is a shame as our kids are good friends and she has good qualities.

Utter nonsense @LollipopLil .

If you’ve been reading MN posts for a year, you’re well able to diagnose narcissism, any form of neurodivergence in children, adolescents, adults and the elderly.

And make a chicken feed a family of 6 for a week.