Is it possible to get back lost attraction and intimacy?

[Neowitch]

I try to keep this short but not drip feed...married to my DH for nearly 24 years...3dc, youngest 6yr. We both work very hard, DH runs his own business so is very busy and often stressed. My childhood was unhappy, grew up in alcoholic, violent home with very Conservative religious views. Left home at 16 and left the religion. Im in low contact with most of my family now, and having trust issues with people in general..I don't have any close friends. My DH was my soul mate, literally we clicked and I felt safe and happy with him. We have had many (mostly) happy years, but naturally some problems too.. one of them is that my sex drive has always been lower, I just don't really enjoy it... the religious upbringing is probably to blame, I can't seem to really let go and enjoy it. But I used to be happy to be intimate with my DH, it was the intimacy that was nice, rather than actually enjoying the sex. In the past few years, things have been quite busy and hard, and we have increasingly grown apart. We like different things, eg. I like being active, he'd rather relax in front of TV. I like keeping things tidy and DIY, he is quite messy although he does do lot of housework. We don't tend to do things together anymore...
Our DS has mental health issues and can be abusive, unfortunately my DH cannot handle this and ends up in awful shouting matches with him...and I end up as the peacekeeper stuck in the middle.
DH has some health issues and has put on weight, he is not obese but I just don't find him at all attractive anymore..although my low libido means I don't really fancy any hanky panky with anyone at all!
My feelings for him have now deteriorated to point where I feel we would be better going separate ways... I have spoken with him and he desperately wants to save our marriage...but is there any hope for me gaining back the lost feelings? Just the thought of being intimate with him makes me anxious and revolts me. I could live with him amicably as a friend, but I know he does not want, or deserve, that.
Has anyone lost all feelings for their partner and managed to gain it back? I'm thinking of therapy, but not sure I could really share my feelings. Is there anything that could help? I used to do "maintenance sex" for years but since a recent argument I feel like I don't want to even hug or kiss him. He can be verbally abusive during arguments and has said some really hurtful things, the he apologies afterwards and says he did not mean any of it... I believe him but the damage has been done at that point, and it is cumulative..little by little I have lost respect for him. He is mostly kind, funny and generous, does his fair share with kids and chores, so on paper it seems we are good...but something has shifted in me. I hate to throw away everything we have built if there is any hope, but I don't want to waste further years it is not getting better...funnily, I don't know what I would change- there is no cheating or abuse, it's really just that I have dont feel close to him, and I'm perfectly contended if I never have sex again, but I know he deserves better than that. Please help, any tips or insights?

I don’t know, there is good reason why you don’t want to have sex with him.i feel you should listen to your body, although it’s very hard to separate once you have children.

It’s a huge decision and it’s like being with him or being by yourself, both sound a bit shit.

The only thing I can think of, and which is a completely mad suggestion is to take those hallucinogenic drugs and restart again. Wipe the slate clean and see if you can restart, now that your list of things you need in a partner has changed.

Good luck and all the very best to you.

Could you try dating each other again? Get dressed up, go out to dinner/lunch, flirt with each other? Go to bed a bit earlier and don’t put pressure on to have full sex but just make out like teenagers?

I would put how you are feeling into chat gpt and navigate your feelings and decide what is best for you going forward. Deep down you know but it will help you realise if you can get your feelings back or not.

I am a huge believer in what Esther Perel says that intimacy is developed outside of the bedroom through shared experiences as two people - not parents but two independent adults spending time together. It doesn't sound as though you do a lot or any of that currently. As the old saying goes "couples who play together - stay together".
Therapy can help you two improve communication, that's its real power. It wont help you to feel more attracted to your partner.

Often in life we don't have a choice between a good outcome and bad outcome. What we often are really choosing is the outcome which is either less bad on the outset or, at least, less bad over time. Staying feels bad, leaving feels bad... but which of those do you think has the greater chance of being less bad over time?

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs; the past has gone never to return.

How old is DS?.

Why can't he cope with your son?. You seemingly do and do not presumably resort to shouting at him. What is going on with your son and he as his father?. Why has your man resorted to shouting at him and is your son copying his dad's behaviour?.

There is a lot in your initial post about what you think he does or does not want or deserve but what about you in all this?. You bloody well matter too.

Thank you for all your messages. The suggestion about Chatgpt was great, I never thought using it but have just tried and honestly, it really helped to unpick / articulate my feelings. Lots of things to consider there. But it seems it is more a safety / attunement issue than lack of attraction.

The way my DH parents is one of the sources of disagreement.. he just can't seem to cope with my son being difficult, calling him names etc... but he then resorts calling my son names too! Honestly they are like 2 5-year olds! I feel saddled with the mental load of it, and he does not seem to learn..it is actually making Ds behaviour worse. So yes I feel like I've lost respect to him.. most of the time he is mature and kind, but when he is stressed he just flips... he cannot cope with stressful situations very well. I know I'm not perfect either, he has said in the past that I am cold - I just can't seem to be as affectionate, probably due to my past.. although I love hugging and kissing my kids and the dog! There have been few instances when I felt he did not support me when I would have most needed it.. eg. When I was in advanced labour with our youngest, literally about to give birth on the floor, he drove me to the hospital carpark and left me to go home to "look after the other children " ( 7 and 12 at the time, soundly asleep as it was middle of night). I ended up wandering in long hospital corridors desperately trying to find the maternity ward...and emergency c-section afterwards. He has apologised for this afterwards but I felt quite abandoned.

He’s been verbally abusive to you and now he’s doing the same to his son. He’s not setting his son a good example here as a parent.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and to me your marriage now is a continuation of what you went through as a child. No one ever bothered with you to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is and the fact is you still do not know.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. One day your dc will leave home, what then for you and DH if you’re still together then which is unlikely.

I would also assume you do not shout and or scran when faced with stressful situations. He does and it’s a choice he’s making here. He’s learnt that shouting and screaming works for him. It’s just another method of he controlling you. Your own childhood set you up into being with such a man because you saw similar shit at home.

You have a choice re him and your kids do not. Make better choices with you and they in mind, not him.

I am not sure if you posted this already but is there any neurodivergence in your home?

It doesn't sound like a great environment for your son with MH issues. Is it really doing him any favours to keep living with a man who shouts & bullies rather than helps? It sounds actively harmful to him.

Of course you don't want sex with a man who is unsupportive, that you've lost respect for, that you don't find attractive anymore and with whom the sex was never particularly enjoyable anyway! I think "duty sex" is really damaging, as it can give you the ick.

It's telling that you accept and seek affection from safe sources like the kids & pets, but do not trust him for the same.

You sound very different people- maybe you'd both be better off splitting in the long run.