Am I Right To Leave?

[TK220440]

I’ve been with DP for over 5 years and we have a 1 year old daughter.

The relationship has always been largely based around drink and has been quite volatile over the years, along with intense happy times. We thought we were best friends.

From the start of my pregnancy, I no longer drank (for obvious reasons) although he continued. Since having DD, I changed, grew, and prioritised motherhood and stability. He is a good dad at times, but during my pregnancy his anger worsened, and since having DD he has spat at me, called me awful names, told me my family don’t care about me, and has had awful rages, often resulting in him crying hysterically.

I asked him to leave 6 months ago and we have since had a few occasions to ‘work on our relationship’ which haven’t been successful.

I have now sold the house (which is mine and everything in it) to move 20 miles away back near my family and he is living back at his moms.

This week I have told him that the relationship has permanently ended and I don’t want to go to relationship counselling. He believes that I am the problem by being cold, unloving, rejected his attempts to have dates together, and criticising his family (I don’t get on with his mother due to her being controlling and manipulative).

My decision is final but I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and failure and shame. To end a relationship with a 1 year old DD and become a single mother when my plan was to have a loving family. This week I will be starting to clear the house and I don’t know how I’m going to mentally be able to…..

I don’t know what I’m here to ask for. Maybe reassurance that I’m doing the right thing, moral support, ways to find inner strength.

Absolutely doing the right thing

This. I would say you're the opposite of a failure. You're prioritising your daughter and her future happiness!

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Your daughter will see your strength and love, and as she grows will become a strong and loving woman herself. She always will be grateful & inspired, for ever. With her, you can achieve anything.

It is not a failure to move on from a life dominated by drink on both sides to the life of a responsible parent. Well done.

He is not a good dad OP he is an abusive man. You have done the right thing.

Hi @TK220440

It sounds like you have had a volatile relationship and this isn't likely to change. You know you have made the right choice.

It's better to go now before his behaviour escalates further and the baby won't understand the separation at this stage, they will just understand that their environment is calmer and more peaceful.

People don't spit at people - especially those they "love". It's unforgivable. His "crying hysterically" is controlling and manipulative.

Find your anger.
Make a new home and safer space and life for you both.
Be careful as his anger increases towards you - this is a vulnerable time for you.
Don't trust him and certainly don't feel guilty.

wishing you loads of strength and peace xx

during my pregnancy his anger worsened, and since having DD he has spat at me, called me awful names, told me my family don’t care about me, and has had awful rages, often resulting in him crying hysterically
This is abuse OP and of course you were right to leave.

I feel a lot of empathy for you. My relationship with my first husband reviolved around drink- right from the get go. To say it was turbulent is a vast understatement.. I woke up one morning after yet another night of excessive drinking and knew that if I didn't leave I would die because of the lifestyle. So I literally walked out the door. But despite the drink and my H's abusive and controlling behaviour i loved him for many many years and thought of him daily. And memories of the hapoy times still come unbidden into my head. BUT I know i did the right thing. He is long since dead now because of the drink and drug abuse.

For your DDs sake and for your own you have done exactly the right thing. Well done you.

You're not the failure, he is. He could have had a wonderful relationship and family, but he chose drink instead.

Yes you're absolutely doing the right thing. Don't engage in any more discussion with him about the relationship - it's done. You don't have to listen to his whingeing about how he's so hard done by. He sounds unstable, abusive and has a drink problem? Not someone who's going to contribute to a stable, peaceful family life.

You've been in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic and his primary relationship is with drink, not you. You are right to leave such a dysfunctional relationship behind.

Your DD needs to learn good lessons about relationships and leaving him is indeed the best thing for both you and your child. She does not warrant growing up seeing you as her mother being overtly preoccupied and otherwise manipulated by her abusive partner. His mother is a walking red flag and he is very much like her.

You already have a loving family in the shape of you and your DD. You put both she and you first here and that is to be commended.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme going forward and read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie.

Thank you to you all. This has helped in getting me through an already anxious day.

I’m a strong woman (at least I thought I was). I work full time, pay all the bills, a full time mom. Perhaps there is something going on that I am disappointed in myself?

5 years ago, I would have never tolerated this behaviour. How have I come to tolerate it for so long?

It’s become the norm. Familiar. And giving myself the strength to acknowledge that it isn’t normal to be spat at is quite tough.

YES, you are doing the right thing. YES, you are right to leave. Even if I stopped reading your post half-way (didn't), the answer would be yes. Being abusive, spitting and raging out on you is not acceptable. He could have joined you in "growing up" and maturing, where you don't run on alcohol, and instead of taking this difficult, but necessary step to be a good father and partner, he chose to remain on the level of an immature twat - for a lack of a better word.

Well done, for the amazing progress you went through, and well done for having the courage and making you and your DD's lives better by moving on.

Abuse is often insidious in its onset and does creep up on people unawares. Do not blame yourself here for his abuses of you; this is all on him. And he was not above projecting his own self onto you either.

They can and do chip away at boundaries over time and yours may have been somewhat weakened to begin with for example due to poor life experience or past relationship experience where you were treated badly.

These types do not walk around with abuser written on their forehead and abusive people can be quite plausible to those in the outside world. It is often behind closed doors that their true selves emerge. They can be nice too but this is really the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.
Do read Codependent No More and look into the Freedom Programme.

You are a strong woman still in that you have chosen to walk away from this dysfunctional abusive relationship. Your DD will thank you for doing so and she certainly needs to learn good and life affirming lessons about relationships. Abuse is not love nor is a volatile relationship with intense highs and crushing lows.

Your plan was to have a loving family... That was never an option with this man
He is violent and clearly has a drinking problem.

Your child deserves a stable home and it sounds like by ending it with him that's what you have given them. Therefore you are being a great mum ❤️

Never ever feel one shred of guilt for a man who has spat at you.
That alone is enough to leave a relationship.