Husband doesn't want second child, we've seperated, any experience on what happens next?

[sunnydevon]

DH & I have a 2yr old and I would love to have a second one. I work part-time, we're early 30's, have the finances, and support from wider family. Problem is he isn't keen to be with us as a family over the past 6 months and has started to do more things (e.g. sport) alone, this is due to the fact he doesn't enjoy a lot of time with our lovely dd, and cant understand my enjoyment in her . Having different views on this has increased tensions so we now have multiple problems and have amicably split to consider long term views.
TBH I think we love each other in a caring way, and just enjoy different things (he would like to see dd regularly, but not neccessarily for long periods). If I could switch off feelings to have another I would seriously consider it - but they are very strong (and not just 'I want a baby' but 'I want a second little person to raise alongside dd with a man who would appreciate both').

Anyone else been through this? What happened next for you? (Thanks ahead for any advice).

Why would you want another child with a man who doesn't enjoy the one he has?

he wants to see your DD, but not for long periods

i wouldn't even consider having a second child with this person

has he struggled with fatherhood in general, or has this come out of the blue?

your poor dd
He sounds so immature, definitely don't have any more with him. I would hesitate to even think of having him back with that sort of attitude to his daughter.

SD I don t think you are saying that you want a child with this man come what may and that is why you have decided to split isn t it? You want to be with someone who wants you and your children wholeheartedly and that is not necessarily him. Obviously your wants are very different.

This happened with dh and myself. When we first got together we talked about children and decided on at least 2 or 3. After the first one he suddenly decided that he did not want anymore and I, like you did. I wanted the whole family thing not just well we had one and thats fine but lets just leave it there. It felt like a half measure to me. I told him that he had changed the plan without reference to me and therefore I would have to consider my position in the relationship - much as you seem to be doing.

For us that worked out and we now have dd. I don t really know what other advice to give you. Want you want out of your relationship seems fundamentally different and taking time out does sound like the right thing. TBH I would be hurt and angry on my childs behalf if my dh were to behave towards them the way that your dh is behaving towards your dd. Your dd is bound to pick up on that at some point.

Thanks for all your posts. ALMazing, you're right in that I wouldn't be happy to have another baby with dh unless things change.

I'm caught in the point you were, but also have other issues, which I think have arisen due to our feelings on children. I love being with dd, dh does, but not for long and at same time doesn't really talk much to me or seem to enjoy family life the way I do and lots of people around me seem to (e.g I tend to arrange anytime together despite asking where he would like to go and we haven't had any family holidays, not even 1 night away, nor day long trips).

Problem is I love him, and think deep down he does love me. If I gave up on idea of second child and spent more time talking to him about his interests (cars, badminton, computers) we may still be able to get back together.

Today he left saying it was the first time he had been happy to see us for awhile, but also he wants to see a solicitor to sort out finances (i.e. so he would have own place) - so that suggests we've jumped from seperating to divorce in one week!

I've got an appointment for us with a councillor so will see if this helps us decide if this is worth saving.

You may love each other now, but you will eventually learn to resent him if you stay together and things don't change. Especially if you have another child. His attitude towards the dc will eventually change your feelings towards him. Your dc will definitely pick up on his feelings towards him too. tbh, I would try to start afresh now.

sorry, 'towards them too'

I know you have a dd

from a male point of view i'd have to agree with egypts post above.
the fact is you both have very different approaches and attitudes to family life right now and if you were to stay together one of you would have to "give in" as such because there is no compromise or middle ground with having a second child. so unless one of you has a drastic change of heart the person who settles will give up a drastic portion of their life and energy to something they are not fully invested in and the resentment will set in.
it would be tough on you to be denied the 2nd child you want but it would be equally harsh on him to have a second child he does not want.

So you are prepared to swap your desire for another child for 'taking more interest in cars, badminton etc' to keep him. What?
He isn't bothered about family life, is never pleased to see you or DD, doesn't want to do things with you as a family. Sounds awful, sorry.

he doesn't even want the one child you have and you're willing to stay with him?

i think you're problems go beyond the second child thing.

in fact, you've already got a second child, a teenager: him.

you know, you can't really love anyone unless you love yourself, too. and that means thinking you deserve more than just to pander to some immature fool who doesn't even value the family you have.

he doesn't even want the one child you have and you're willing to stay with him?

i think you're problems go beyond the second child thing.

in fact, you've already got a second child, a teenager: him.

you know, you can't really love anyone unless you love yourself, too. and that means thinking you deserve more than just to pander to some immature fool who doesn't even value the family you have.

Thanks for your comments. I'm still open to councilling and comprimise, but also I'm open to healing the hurt and moving on.
My fear is that this may snowball, we split, while it could be resolved. He did say he may want another in 5yrs and either way I need to know why he has done one thing (appeared to enjoy dd), but says the opposite. I would still prefer us to be one happy family, but if we would make two happier seperate families than I know realistically that would be better for us all.

On the issue of immaturity towards family, he has issues, but I need to know through councilling if we can address these before I can move on. I think we'll heal better together or apart knowing we discussed all options, i.e.at moment we seem to be jumping from one situation (together) to another (apart) with no real talking/healing either way.

We're off to relate soon and hope that may help either way.

It's not fair on a child to be conceived under those circumstances. Perhaps there is more to his disinterest than you're either letting on or are aware of. Perhaps you need to address that first.