Lovely guy but he's wasn't for me - how to come to terms with that? // hopeful stories

[malvas]

Hi everyone,

I recently went through a breakup of a quite short relationship. He was very lovely, but from the beginning I was full with doubts about the relationship. I do know exactly what was lacking (more than one thing, tbh), and I just couldn't ignore it though I tried really hard, because i really wanted it to work.

Now, I'm not looking for something perfect, and I've tortured myself so much throughout this process. But I knew if I had stayed I would have started to resent him and feel like I settled. He's a good guy and deserves someone who feels really lucky to have him.

Now, have any of you gone through something similar? Haley Nahman's article on that helped me quite a bit (https://www.tumblr.com/unconquerablesoul7/159332416866/why-i-ended-a-happy-relationship). I'm looking on advice on how to deal with this loss (other things in my life aren't going well, including health issues, so this breakup has been quite hard). How to accept that he just wasn't for me, and stop torturing myself.

Otherwise, I could really use some hopeful stories about finding someone more compatible after a breakup like this.

Please, don't be hard on me... No need to tell me to requestion my standards or that I should feel lucky of finding a good guy. Believe me, I've tortured myself enough about all of this, and I've gone through it extensively alone and in therapy. So please... be kind 🙏

Thank you all 💚

I can’t help but I’m in the same place. It’s hard and I’m finding the break up difficult even though it was my decision.

You decided he wasn't for you, you've made your decision, it sounds like you're regretting it probably because you haven't found an upgrade yet. You know what to look for in a partner now, and what isn't right. So the next person will be a better choice.

I"ve never really understood the "wanting it to work" with someone you don't feel is for you. It feels a bit like putting the cart before the horse.

I'd say bloody well done for moving on in a timely way when you realised he wasn't for you, and being able to listen and act on your gut and knowing. Most of the scenarios posted about here would have been avoided if the same decision had been made, and it's not an easy thing to do, so you can applaud yourself for that.

There are millions of men on this planet. Some of them might be interesting enough for a date. A few will be able to hold your interest for a string of dates, and there might be the odd one that will hold your interest for a very long time. They're out there, don't settle.

@malvas sending hugs, I have recently done exactly the same and it does take guts to make the decision to end a relationship with a good person. It does no one any favour to feel that you've settled and as you say it will cause resentment in the long term. I totally agree with @GoldDuster and hope we can both meet more suitable matches in the future

Thanks everyone for the comments :) thank you @GoldDuster for your words, they're really helpful

@3gingerboys @Wanttobeanonhere8 I'm sending lots of strength, it really is a hard situation. In case you find it interesting, I find the book "It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single", by Sara Eckel, really comforting. She goes over all the "reasons" people give for why you're single (such as "you're too desperate", "you're too independent", etc) and debunks them. She's the author of this essay in Modern Times (www.nytimes.com/2014/12/21/style/the-10-best-modern-love-columns-ever.html), which gave me a lot of solace when i found it. In the book there's a section on "you're too picky" and one on "you should have married that guy [settled]" and debunks them. Lately I go back to them when i'm feeling down... Sending good vibes your way

I’d look at it like shopping. You can see a nice shirt, love it, but if it’s the wrong size, you can buy it but what are you going to have to do to fit into it? What way are you going to have to contort yourself to make it fit. It’s not even going to look good anyway.

Keep shopping.

Can I ask how old you are OP? Some of this resonates with me and I found the article in your OP really interesting.

I experience some of the same thoughts but in my case am weighing that up with whether me/my nervous system is not used to warm/loving/settled because I was in a bad marriage for nearly 20yrs.
And at mid 40s I wonder if it is pragmatic to be more concerned with comfort, stability etc than in younger years. I feel incredibly lucky to have met such a lovely man but can’t stop the thoughts popping up every so often that “something” is missing. I just don’t know if that “something” is actually the edginess of a relationship with an unhealthy power dynamic, which I became used to 🤔

Many people in my area believe my ex to be a lovely man…maybe he is for others, but by the middle - let alone the end - he definitely wasn’t right for me to be in a relationship with, and I always hold my head up high that I had enough self worth to not settle. Life is so damned short.

I unexpectedly met DP at nearly 50, and we have such a deep love full of contentment, peace, and warmth…I feel blessed that I finally discovered what love with a capita L feels like for me. We have no plans to live together, but are far more committed to each other’s happiness and support than many people who do.

I guess I just want to say life is always full of possibilities, loving yourself enough to be true to your integrity is beautiful. I wish you every good fortune.

@FirstdatesFred I am also in my 40s and I struggled with this question too for a long time as I know I have attachment issues from childhood, it kept me stuck in a loop of rumination, but after a lot of work with a counsellor I know it was the right thing to trust my gut instinct and not settle. He was a good guy but not willing to make enough space for me, kids come first but you have to feel like a priority occasionally! The last straw for me was when he asked if I'd mind if he booked a trip away with his kids on my birthday, my gut said yes! Not helped by the fact he asked me on Valentine's Day when we weren't seeing each other because had his son for the second year running. I have compromised a lot and been told that he wanted to spend more time together with our boys who get on really well, but he is not ready in my opinion. We're at different stages and I'm ready for a proper relationship that grows. Hard to accept but more frustrating to stay stuck! Good luck everyone and big hugs x

Thanks everyone :)

@HawthornFairy what a beautiful and inspiring story! really happy for you, I hope you continue enjoying and cherishing each other <3

@FirstdatesFred I'm in my early 30s. I'm sorry to hear about the unhealthy dynamics in past relationships and I really get the question of where the doubts come from... I don't have an answer but something that really helped me with that was therapy. Once I found a good psychologist, it's been way easier to understand my own thoughts and feelings. Sending lots of luck and love for the future, whatever conclusion you arrive to!

I don't think anyone should say anything negative about you breaking up with him @malvas . You did the right thing. You didn't feel like the two of you are a good fit, regardless of him being lovely. There is nothing in there you need to explain. If anything, this is something you need praise for - You didn't just decide to stay, just because on paper it "should" work, you also didn't lie to him and lead him on in a relationship where the other person is not entirely there.. I think, any alternative could potentially be much much more unfortunate, so be easy on yourself.

I am a bit oldschool, being 40 this year, so I would say "chemistry". It doesn't matter what attributes the other person has, if there is no chemistry, there is no way of forcing it.

I have been together with my wife for a long time, basically since we were in university. Before that, I knew a very lovely young woman, she was cute and kind, drama-free and had the same interests as me. On paper, it looked ideal. We got close, the next step should have been us becoming girlfriend and boyfriend (hate these words), but I just couldn't. It was puzzling. She was puzzled, and I was puzzled, too. I could not articulate a single thing why I wouldn't want her to be my girlfriend - not just to her, but for myself either. I went through a lot of emotions at the time, granted I was very-very young, green behind the ears, but I could not put my finger on a reason, and I kept regretting my choice, being upset with myself for not going for a relationship with a lovely, kind woman. (Before anyone suggests that I wasn't into her physically, nope, can't say that, I thought she was definitely attractive). Later, I realised that it all really doesn't matter how it looks from the outside, it is not a checklist of things - the person is good from this point of view, from that point of view, an the third. These mean nothing if there is no spark, that intangible connection - chemistry.

Your original post asked 'please, don't be hard on me' - well, please, don't be hard on yourself, well done for not jumping into something just for optics.

You don’t need to justify your reason

of someone not for you that’s fine

it’s like sex only reason anyone should ever have sex is because both people want to

good luck op

Thanks everyone :)
@exhaustDAD your post is very kind, thank you for sharing your experience. Indeed some things can't be forced. I hope you found that chemistry with your wife :) and thanks a lot for the encouragement and kind words