Asking for too much or just the bare minimum?

[rockster15]

I didn’t grow up in a normal household and my father was abusive. I therefore have nothing to base what a healthy relationship should look like.
My husband and I didn’t have a healthy relationship previously and lots of water under the bridge and we separated for 4 years.
We decided to give things another go around 18 months ago. I had hoped as we’d both changed as people and had that time apart that it would work out ok this time and I went back into it with my eyes open but also didn’t hold back and gave it my all.
But there are issues I don’t feel 100% happy with but not sure if it’s things that can be worked through or if I walk away for good.
My biggest thing is he won’t communicate if there’s any issues and if I want to talk about how I’m feeling about anything he just gets defensive and refuses to talk and then gives me the silent treatment for a few days.Then resentment builds up.He’s said he won’t do that anymore in the past but has then continued to and now I’ve said I’ve had enough he’s promised he won’t.
I’m running round on empty half the time with the kids and working full time and he expects me to do more and more for his business as well and although he does do more to help tha’ what he did previously the mental load is mainly on me. Our oldest has just been diagnosed with a lifelong condition and has had to give up work in the meantime but this and her hospital appointments etc has all fallen on me.
He claims he’s always busy working but on the times I have felt insecure (yes I know that’s something I need to deal with and probably need more therapy for!) and felt the need to go through his phone I’ve always found something. Whether that’s a flirty message to other people and something he’s attempted to delete or likes and follows on instagram etc or reels he’s watching with half naked women. I think it makes me feel like a mug as I don’t have the time or energy time for myself and yet he can find the time for things like that. But that’s probably just a man thing. I have spoken to him about it and he’s now deleted most of his social media even though I never asked that. He only has Facebook but again still watches half naked women 🙄
I know I shouldn’t have looked at his phone but my argument in my head is that if he made me feel safe and secure I wouldn’t feel the need to look.
Also one of the conditions of us getting back together was that he sorted his shit with the older two as he didn’t have the best relationship with them while we were separated. Over a year and half later and he’s still not spoke to our oldest as apparently the time is never right.
He spoke to our middle son about three weeks ago but only because he was being horrible with me and I flipped at him to speak to him and clear the air.
Would these things cause you to walk away or is there any hope? My walls are up and I have got the ick so it’s maybe a no brainer anyway. I feel so stupid.

Sorry to be blunt, but why did you get back with this man?? So many giant waving red flags - your decision to separate was the right thing to do and couldn't have been easy to do the first time around. Putting kids through a back and forth is not ideal, so perhaps get some therapy to figure out why you are in this dysfunctional relationship, why you went back for more, and how you can get out and stay out?!

Hes not bothered with your eldest in 18 months yet your back together? What(

Hi @rockster15 . I agree with the pp, once you made that very important decision to separate, which no doubt was emotional and difficult, it feels like going backwards nulling it and trying to force something that is just not happening. For something like that to work out, people need to do some work on themselves, change ways they do things.. And by the sound of it, there is no attempt or willingness for him to change the way he goes about things. So what's the point. Oh, and when you say 'But that’s probably just a man thing' - let's not minimise his agency of his own actions, it's not coded in him that he can't control, it is a 100% him thing. I don't know, I don't do that, either.
It also does no good for your kids, so I think you had the right idea originally, there is nothing that was changed, so I am not sure how you can possibly believe the outcome would be different from the past. Chances are, you are way better off separating, and for good this time, for your own sake, and the kids'.

He is vile and brings no enhancements to your life whatever.

He's not kind or loving, he doesn't treat you as an equal, whenever you want to talk about something he shuts you down. He's not nice to your dc. He doesn't appear to have any respect for women in general either.

You have no reason to stay with this piece of shit.

Your bar is far, far too low. He sounds like a genuine loser - not a phrase I really use - but it applies here.

I agree that therapy to explore what made you go back would be useful.

"we separated for 4 years.
We decided to give things another go around 18 months ago."

I fear the 4-year break blunted your memory of just how bad he was. What prompted the decision to try again? Or should I be asking, WHO prompted it? Him? I fancy he has moved in with you too rather than the other way around.

From your OP you have adult children ("Our oldest ... has had to give up work") so it was a lengthy marriage and my guess is that he missed having you skivvying for him and facilitating his life ("I’m running round on empty half the time with the kids and working full time and he expects me to do more and more for his business as well ").

You know the answer in your heart - you're seeing him behaving as before and you've got the ick - you're instincts may have been distorted by your abusive father but they're screaming at you to get out get out get out. You need to act on them.

"I feel so stupid."
You're not. You're just better than he deserves, and he knows you well enough to be able to manipulate you (another reason to end it).

Sadly he hasn't changed and it doesn't sound like he really wants to. He's got time for flirty messages and looking at naked women while you're running yourself ragged. That says it all really.

Thank you for your response and although some of them are harsh they are the truth.

Looking back I’ve no idea why I made the decision to get back with him. It felt like a good idea at the time and that it would work out as I thought we’d both changed as people.
I do feel stupid and like a mug.

It was great at the start and he was a different person but it’s gone back to how it used to be except abit of improvement in that he helps more round the house and with the kids than he did previously but it’s nowhere near 50/50.

I have got the ick and can’t stand him near me and I feel I can’t come back from this again. But there was drama last time and I’m dreading what will come.

Yes it was a lengthy marriage and I’d been with him since I was 16 so he’s all I’ve ever known really.

I know I need to get out again and I do know the answer deep down but don’t feel I even trust my own instincts anymore 🤦🏼‍♀️

You need to get out again and this time the split needs to be permanent.

Your first two sentences in your initial post have played a huge part in why you got with him when you were a mere 16 years of age and a child yourself.

No one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful and non abusive relationship is like and you still do not know or have this. Your childhood set you up to be abused going forward. You will need therapy and a lot of it to unlearn the crap you have picked up about relationships along the way.