No sex drive

[Rockdaylia44]

Tired.Overweight Constantly worn out. Work NHS full time physical job.late 40's l.menopause, depression anxiety medication 10yrs.
Dh would like sex more than once a month. alll i can manage. Aibu. ?

Full time NHS here too. I think if anyone wanted sex right now Id probably decide it was easier to dig a new patio and bury them under it.
The only thing Ive found that really helped in the past when I was married was to get the weight off and get fit in the gym. Getting fit really helps.
The combination of age, weight and exhaustion does nothing for the libido.
You have to make real changes.
And of course the obvious. Is he pulling his weight at home.

Maybe you need to change things up eiyh your life generally - it sounds like it's mostly drudgery. Which ain't going to make you feel particularly interested in sex or, more importantly, happy.

Do you have anything to look forward to?

What's your relationship like outside of sex? Do you feel loved, valued, like he's got your back?

YANBU to not want more sex, he is also NBU to want more sex.

You need to figure out why your sex drives are so misaligned and if there’s anything as a couple you can do to change that (if you so wish).

Hormones is why.

He isn’t unreasonable to want sex more than once a month. Equally, you aren’t unreasonable to refuse sex if you don’t want it.

I do think there are probably things you could both do to improve things, but obviously it depends on your situation. There isn’t enough info in your post about your relationship to say.

It's a story as old as time itself except nowadays women have even more on their plates in terms of being expected to be fully functioning worker bees for decades as well as retaining libidos like 20 year olds into their 60s and beyond.

Your hormones will be all over the place right now and all your baby making ones will be leaving the building because you don't need them anymore. His however are constantly ready for action and will be for ages. It's biology.

Most of the time (I know, not always) women over the age of 40 are mismatched sexually with men. That's biology and we're fighting against nature when we're expected to have the same sex drives we had in our 20s.

Chuck feeling older, less attractive and a hearty dose of the sexy - "but but we haven't shagged for x many days" into the mix and it isn't surprising that sex doesn't happen as much as the man wants it.

If you can find time to help your own health and fitness, that's would absolutely be for your benefit. Your libido might be helped as well as you'll feel better about yourself.

Suggest he does some reading up on perimenopause and see if you can factor in some intimacy that DOESN'T lead to sex. So many women start to back away from any intimacy for fear of it's always having to lead to sex. So less cuddles on the sofa even happen. It's a vicious circle. He needs to realise that any pressure will just make it worse. He needs to show you lots of affection without it being about him getting off. Selfless affection. That will make you feel like you're worth something other than just being his vessel.

He's got a right to want to have sex but he has absolutely no right to have sex with another person. Ever. No one does. It sounds so basic but ultimately men have to penetrate the woman to have sex. Her body is entered into. Never his which men never seem to be able comprehend. If she's not turned on, being penetrated is not enjoyable. They need to think a bit more about that when they're just using guilt trips to get laid.

That or you split like the millions of other couples that can't seem to work through this most natural of periods as the 'in sickness and in health' old stick seems to go out of the window when he's not getting a hole to fill as much as he'd like.

Communication is everything. Good luck💐

@Chinpion "That or you split like the millions of other couples that can't seem to work through this most natural of periods as the 'in sickness and in health' old stick seems to go out of the window when he's not getting a hole to fill as much as he'd like."

Yikes. Half an hour on MN will reveal plenty of women who've either got divorced or found a lover on the side due to the misery of a sexless marriage.

Do you want to want to have more sex with him? If you do but you're just too tired and weighed down, will you consider some lifestyle changes? Can you afford to work less hours? Can you start eating more healthily (not dieting but making each meal more nutritionally dense & prioritise protein and fibre) and doing some exercise 3/4 times a week (doesn't have to be a lot, a brisk 20 minute walk or workout at home with some handweights) and finally can you sit down with DH and look at the division of labour in your home and where he can pick up the slack and give you a break? If someone else had made dinner and cleared up and you're able to have a soak in the bath and read or just close your eyes and relax for 15 mins - you might feel a bit more like having sex! Your DH needs to realise that sex doesn't start in the bedroom - doing his fair share of the housework and parenting is a great aphrodisiac!

Do you enjoy it when you do it? Some people feel like it’s another chore on their list and it’s a favour to their partner. Other people find it’s a pleasant distraction from their other chores and worth finding time to do as it’s enjoyable. That probably at least partly depends on how good the sex is and whether it feels like a good use of time and energy.

I wouldn’t be happy with a grudging shag once a month so see his point. It’s one of the things that makes me feel like me rather than mum/sister/daughter/workhorse. But maybe he’s not making it feel worthwhile.

Thanks for replies, yes sex is good when we do make time. Just have no drive and can't be bothered sad really.
Wouldn't be bothered to never do it again and it does seem another thing on the to d0 list

Are you on the pill? That can absolutely destroy a woman's sex drive.

Menopause also can have an impact. For some of us it actually increases it! But for others, I gather, it has the opposite impact.

I believe you can ask for testosterone as part of HRT, if you would like to increase your libido....

So this is the stuff I would look at first - if your relationship is good, the sex (when you have it) is good and you still find your fella objectively attractive.....

I must admit that my libido also did increase (still further - it has always been strong, apart from when I was on the pill) when I lost some weight, got my hair done, generally started feeling better about how I looked. I started to enjoy wearing lingerie, enjoy being looked at naked etc. Certain positions that I used to hate because they made me self conscious, I now love. But I am not trying to say you should feel in any way obliged to do these things, or to somehow display yourself for the male gaze if you don't wish to. Only if it's something that you would actively enjoy doing for yourself.....

I might get flamed for this.

IMO there are many things men will accept from/about their wives, but lack of sex (if they desire it) is not one of them. Not in the long term anyway.

Your husband has communicated a basic need to you. Of course you can ignore it, but if you do I think your marriage is probably doomed.

It isn’t all on you. I would speak to him about why you feel the way you do, what you’re prepared to do about it (if anything) and what he could do to encourage your libido to return.

Where the hell do you start with weight loss with menopause and 50hr week
How do other women want sex he does pull his weight just so over it. Thought this would happen at 60 not late 40's

Hi I have just been through similar. Met a new partner who I am crazy about but I felt dead from the waist down! Dreaded sex which just didn't align with my feelings for him.
now been on HRT for 3 weeks and I'm back in the bedroom! Feel alive for the first time in a good few years.
I also agree with everyone about feeling good in yourself. Get out walking for just 20 mins a day if you can. Fresh air and a good podcast always lifts me. I hope things improve for you soon x