(TW SA & Abuse) To not mentioned my assault to future partners

[EagerLimeHiker]

Please be gentle with me.

A few years ago I was sexual and raped assaulted by and Ex. I am great. No PTSD, no nightmares or anything. I worked on myself to understand why and how this happened. I worked hard to process the feelings and trauma. I turned my life around and am in the best place ever.

Unfortunately, the problem that plagues me is in relation to dating and relationships.

In the one relationship since, during a heated moment the assault was thrown in my face. It's safe to say that relationship ended.

Since then, I've started getting close to someone. I mentioned the assault briefly when we were friends. (It's relevent to the work we do). Since getting closer he asked for more details - as soon as sexual assault was mention - I saw him check out in real time.

A few days later he followed up - saying he just wanted to be friends.

I want my future partners to have the choice and know about my past but I also feel like I'm being punished for something that someone else did to me.

What do I do?

Personally I wouldn't mention it.

Your partner's do not gave an automatic right to know about your sexual history.

Seems to me a lot of men, and women tbh, have real problems handling details of their partner's past. And sone, whilst appearing to be understanding and sympathetic can use ths knowledge to actual perpetuate abuse or, as your ex did, throw it back in your face.

Unless there was some really pressing reason to mention what happened I would not share this information.

@Conspiracytheories thank you x

I should have mentioned the only time it might come up - is in 18 years when he his probation is up - I'll might be called to speak about why he should be released early on licence.

I think it’s up to you whether and when you share or not. You certainly don’t have to: nobody is owed any of your past that you don’t think is necessary for them to know about and which you’ve dealt with and would seek support on from elsewhere - friends, or a therapist - if you wanted to. But, ultimately, the right person for you will be the one who does respond as you need them to, and knowing that you’re with somebody who can do that is part of knowing whether you’ve met the right person.

I’ve been on the other side of the equation, in that a man I’d been on a couple of dates with, many years ago now, shared that he’d been raped. I responded sympathetically at the time; but there wasn’t another date. I don’t have any experience of rape or sexual assault, nor any professional training in managing the ongoing aftermath, I wasn’t sure how badly it continued to affect him, what I might be signing up for in terms of his ongoing trauma and impact on his mental health, how it played out in his sexuality and sexual function. I didn’t feel like what he might need me to be and, at the time, I probably did him a favour.

Thank you @ComtesseDeSpair. This is where I'm torn, I don't want someone to feel like I withheld something big but equally it's not something that impacts me.

If someone can’t handle all of you and the reality of your life experiences, they aren’t the person for you.

Dh knows everything about what’s happened to me. As I do about him. Never an issue. Nothing but completely ready to listen to whatever I needed to talk about and to support me through whatever I needed to do. As any decent man would do. I’d be grateful they took themselves out. At least you found out how shit they were.

That said, this is a conversation to have when the relationship is serious. 6 months to 2 years in, not on date 3.

Thank you @mindutopia. That sounds so supportive and wonderful.

I was raped most nights by my first dh. Current dh doesn't know any details.. Not his cross to bear imo.

I'm so sorry to hear this @Easterbunnygettingawrapping.

I think I'm just gonna stay a way from dating for a while and figure out what's important for me, in terms of sharing or not.

Thank you to everyone, who shared their perspectives.

I had the same happen to me. I rarely talk about it, it doesn’t define me or make me who I am! (As one friend told me!)
my husband knows and actually he doesn’t know all of it. He knew I was divorced from the father of my children but wasn’t aware I was married before that - I wanted him to know but he is my safe space. My grandmother said no man is worth your tears and the one that is won’t make you cry.

I wouldn’t tell a new partner until like 2-3 months in - I had slept with my now husband by that point. If a man checks out, wants to know more or anything - it’s a signal to end it.

My husband said to me thank you for telling me, that sounds like a horrific trauma and I’m sorry you went through that, I want you to know that I love you, all of you. And hugged me. If I want to talk about it I can. But he never asks or blames me.

I don't think its something you need to mention unless you want to OP.

DP was raped repeatedly by one of her early boyfriends. I didn't meet her until around 7 years later. She didn't mention it to me until we'd been together nearly a decade.

While it explained a few things, I certainly didn't feel like it was information she should have revealed sooner, or something I was entitled to know. I didn't feel lied to or anything.

I was mugged about a year before I met DP, and also got randomly punched in the face a few years before that, I didn't mention either of those to DP until we'd been together years, I don't see any reason why it should be any different just because the assault was sexual.