TL;DR I want to take a step back from a close friendship where I feel I am being trauma dumped on but I don’t know how to do it without being mean to the other person who is a good soul, please help.
I have a friend from where I used to work, he is a bloke and I am a woman and so most of our conversations for the many years we have known each other were about work, like sharing challenges and supporting each other. But our relationship changed a few years ago when he revealed some very serious childhood trauma and I encouraged him to get therapy. (He did a little bit, although I doubt it would be enough for trauma that serious). Weirdly it echoed some similar though lesser trauma I had experienced although neither of us knew about that shared experience until he revealed his trauma. It was all a bit of a mindfark tbh. Anyway that changed our friendship I suppose from being just colleagues to being personal friends. We live at opposite ends of the country now but speak on the phone once a month or so, sometimes we go months not speaking, sometimes it’s a bit more often. But lately I have noticed a pattern that the conversations are very much on his terms. I’m basically acting as an unpaid coach to him but recently I asked for support in return but he didn’t want to speak or gave very short answers by text. If I’m up in his end of the world (I have family there) there is always a reason he can’t meet up for a drink or hang out. He also said something that implied that it is good he can share the bad stuff with me because then he doesn’t take it home to his family. But that’s a therapist not a friend, isn’t it? (Tbf he has been very helpful to me with some past problems but rn he seems to be in perma-crisis). I do honestly think he needs more therapy and he has unprocessed trauma. But he has sort of left me on unread in the past when I have told him things he doesn’t like.
I had a female friend before who used me as a therapist and being “the sensible one” for a long time and in the end I pulled away but she keeps trying to restart the friendship and I feel very guilty about it. So there is a pattern here. My DH really didn’t like this friendship though because the guy is a guy so I have always tried to be more boundaried than I would with a woman anyway. But honestly it just leaves me knowing the bad stuff not the good stuff and causes worry.
I guess I feel a bit trapped and the obvious answer is to step back but I don’t want to ghost yet another friend who is having trouble as that just leaves ME with ghosts of abandonment so what do I do?
I might need some tough love here so let me have it! Thanks for reading.