Why would he leave date so early, AIBU

[SingleladyNC]

Had a first date this evening, it was our first time meeting, we matched on an app recently.

I previously had low confidence about my appearance due to a larger nose and being bullied about it when younger. Now I’m late twenties and confidence has grown with age, I often remind myself looks aren’t everything too.
Sadly it seems some men still judge women’s worth by their looks

I made such an effort with my hair and makeup tonight, nice clothes on, clean nails, nothing in my teeth, physically in shape. My pictures on dating app are unedited, clear and an accurate representation of what I look like. Despite that, the guy left after 30 minutes, didn’t even bother to make much of an excuse just said “right, I have to dash”

Of course I don’t expect everyone I match with to be attracted to me, however I felt really hurt that he left so soon and bluntly without bothering to even make an excuse.

I didn’t say anything rude or offensive, it was only ‘safe’ ice breaker conversations about work and where we grew up. We both naturally asked each other questions without it being interview style.

I haven’t struggled making friends as an adult, regularly socialise, so I don’t think it was me coming off as socially awkward. All I can think is he found me extremely physically unattractive to have left so soon. I mean you’ll often hear stereotypes about men who will hugely lower their standards when it comes to casual ‘easy’ sex

Even when I’ve been on dates with men who I’d not only found physically unattractive but also very socially awkward/strange I still stayed at least 1 - 1.5 hours and was polite enough to give them a chance, as I understand they’d still taken the time out to meet me

Thanks, you’re 100% right! It still really hurts now that it’s raw, I’m sure I’ll get over it but why do some people not think about others...

Just from my own life experience, some men can be so callous to women they find unattractive

Also sorry to vent but I do wonder why some of us have to go through much more shit when it comes to dating.

I’ve previously been stood up on a date, no message even hours later and when I told my flatmate what had happened he had guessed “I wonder if the guy had turned up, saw you from afar then decided he wasn’t feeling it so left” (he had no bad intentions saying it, Freudian slip if you will) then realised how it sounded so quickly said “but whatever happened to him he seems bloody awful”

My first dates with both my husbands were just 30 Mon coffee dates, but there was no dashing off, only one has to go back to work, and the other I was going out for dinner.
Was it just a coffee date?

No, you’re not BU and no matter what people come on here and say they’d still find it hurtful. Whether it was your looks or your personality or a bit of both the implication is the person couldn’t even tolerate your company for one hour. There could be other reasons, but truthfully speaking that’s the most likely.

My dates usually end up quite long but I matched with someone on bumble friends once and we had our first platonic “date”. So we got along ok and had things to chat about but we didn’t exactly hit it off friendship wise. And yet we still did coffee for about an hour while knowing we probably wouldn’t meet again. It was still a pleasant meeting and I got to hear about someone’s else life journey!

If someone’s taking the time to come out and meet you, be in a romantic or friendship context - why not have the respect and just have a chat and learn a little about someone new even if you find them a little less attractive or interesting than you expected.

Absolutely no need to run off after 30 minutes unless they said something offensive or extremely weird.

I did have to cut one date after 20 minutes because I suspected the guy was drunk and was smoking in my face and generally appeared a bit unhinged.

Nope it was drinks at a bar, he didn’t mention any plans after, no excuse was given

What @Lavender14 said. First meets aren't actually dates. I agree I try to stay for an hour or "2 drinks" even if I'm not feeling it, or they look worse than their profiles (very common).

However, I have heard even women suggest 40 minutes for the first meet? Especially if you're both working/busy. Maybe he just didn't want to lead you on.

There's also plenty of very rude/odd behaviour/odd people on first meets, never mind leaving early! That's probably the mild end of upsetting behaviour.

A lot of Ok people don't use apps or get snapped up and leave early so the most active app users tend to be...."characters"....

The only thing which might be worth thinking about is if your photos really are very accurate?

Does this happen frequently? Or is there something you don't mention or fudge on your profile which may be relevant and come up in conversation?

Even if you've taken them recently and no filters, its quite easy to have photos which don't quite look like the person in real life. Close-ups, or flattering angles. Or dress sense/posture/voice.

I've definitely met men where there is a mismatch between them and their profile, and I'm polite but maybe my body language shows disinterest?

I've had my share of app chaos and total freaks but I generally get follow up on first meets so I probably look "as good as or better" (Not photogenic).

If someone consistently is having issues with first meets its often something they've misrepresented/omitted so they're not what the other person is expecting.

But if its a one-off I wouldn't worry about it.

OP, it really helps if you think if everyone as a stranger. No matter how long you chat on apps, and even after the first 3 or 4 dates, they are strangers to you.

So this nan is a stranger to you, you owe him nothing, he owes you nothing. Some people are nicer than others, some people have more balls and are honest, some people have no balls (this is why ghosting is prevalent)

But dont bet your self esteem and confidence on someone else and how they show up/treat you.

Great you took care of yourself, looked nice, did your hair etc, but you did it for YOU.

It might not even be looks. He may just have felt you didnt click.

Onwards and upwards

Lucky escape that you didn't need to kiss that frog on your way to finding your prince @SingleladyNC

You will meet the right person have faith. Try not to get too invested before you know someone. And stop saying you didn't expect him to be attracted to you etc. Instead, love yourself - do nice things for you, say lovely things to yourself, compliment yourself. Love your nose, you'd miss it if it wasn't there. Positive affirmations make a huge difference to how you feel.

Thank you so much @Skechyr! really appreciate it, and I agree.

Slightly unrelated but I’m a busy Londoner, recently I was rushing for an appointment and an elderly woman asked if she could cross the road with me. I felt too bad to say no as she had asked so politely, and I could tell she seemed lonely as she really appreciated the brief conversation we had. I was glad I stopped for her, she even said she often lacked confidence going up to strangers. Manners cost nothing!! I couldn’t agree more with you unless someone is rude/weird, why not have enough respect and just have a chat, learn something new, even if you know you won’t see them again.

yes, I definitely agree and would never expect every guy I match with from the apps to be attracted to me. I just wish he could have thought about how hurtful it is to bluntly leave so soon without an excuse

@AveKristof Thanks, I’ve had other first dates where the guy politely declined a second date but didn’t think to worry about pictures until now.

I’ve previously had friends view my dating app pics and none of them said anything about them looking unrealistic. However have to take with a pinch of salt as friends wouldn’t want to hurt my feelings

Out of desperation today, I asked ChatGPT to review my dating app picture versus an ‘ugly’ rough selfie taken yesterday with no makeup, unflattering lighting and greasy hair tied up.

ChatGPT said “Short answer: you absolutely do not look like a catfish. The photos are consistent and clearly the same person.
Here’s a proper breakdown:
1️⃣ Are they fair representations?
Yes.

• Your facial features (eyes, brows, smile, face shape) are consistent in both.
• There’s no heavy filter distortion.
• No extreme angle tricks.
• Skin texture is still visible in both (which actually helps with authenticity).

The first photo is just a polished, well-lit version of you.”

(I know AI is not accurate and it’s not the same as seeing me in person but I’m at least certain I looked better on the date than the ‘ugly’ no makeup picture taken yesterday, which CGPT says clearly the same person)

I’d prefer a date to rush off than give a made up excuse, say they’ll call/text etc and never do.

I would try not to get hung up on it, although easier said than done. A date did this to me once (after he told me about having 8% body fat and judging me for getting a glass of wine) - he ditched me after 30 mins on a Friday night, of all nights, and I had no back up plans! I never gave a first date that sacred evening ever again.

I would usually say I’m attractive and confident but I remember that incident did make me feel small and self conscious. Please try not to take it personally - some men are just mean and you’ve dodged a bullet.

If your photos look like you then it's not your appearance. He probably just wasn't feeling it. I've met nice men but just not felt the spark. I've sometimes known within a few minutes of meeting. I don't really see the point in dragging it out if you don't click. Personally I haven't ever made my excuses quite that quickly but I wouldn't hang around for hours. Onto the next one. It's the same for everyone on dating sites. Some dates go great and others not so much.

I really don’t get the issue? I did online dating for around a year, and made sure that all first dates were for a coffee or for a drink so that I could leave after 30 minutes if there was no attraction or dead conversation. I’m not going to waste my time, even a couple hours over a dinner.

I have no regrets about how I handled online dating, and no bad feeling towards any guys who happily ducked out after 30/40 minutes with me. I had lots of dates that did last for hours, and dated for a while. Lots that don’t last more than a coffee. Then I met someone a couple years ago and it clicked; wonderful conversation and attraction was there from the start and we’re still together and very happy.

But, why waste time when conversation isn’t flowing and you know you’re not attracted to them?

He's emotionally unintelligent so from that point of view you've had a lucky escape.

Keep going and I hope you meet the right person soon, not everyone is that pathetic.

OP, bluntly, all you need to be asking yourself on a first date, or a fifth, or a fifteenth, is ‘Is this working for me? Is this worth my time?’

Look at it this way - if he didn't find you attractive, so what? At least you didn't waste any more time with him. If he's that shallow that he didn't give it any more than half an hour, it sounds like you've dodged a bullet!

Why are you putting a time limit (1-2hrs) to stay on your dates? Maybe that guy has a 30min time limit? His version of chemistry might be within 30mins, yours might be within 2hrs, the next man might have a 5hr timeframe?

For some people it’s instant. For you, you might need an extra hour, others will need a couple of dates. I think it just means these people aren’t compatible for you.

Honestly, it's not you, it's him.
Anyone who does that isn't worth knowing too. Ugh.

THIS OP! A great comment and great advice.

Im relieved he left because having a daughter i would want such a weirdo/rude/anti-social twat to spend no more than 30 mins with my daughter. You dodged a bullet girl onwards and upwards. You sound so sweet and lovely im laughing at you asking chat GPT instead of just not recognising a “utter twat” when you come in contact either them, you’ll learn but stay innocent and sweet and the “right” one will be along

That’s simply not nice behaviour. I’ve had dates with heaps of guys I didn’t fancy in the flesh. I still gave them the time of day!
Sorry OP. I think you sound great.