Have I done the right thing?

[FloydPink]

Seeking a female perspective as while I have some good friends they are not great at emotional support.

Been together a couple of years, both early 50s. Whirlwind start then settled into a nice relationship. But after a bit of pushing from me about how things are its over.

No real arguments, both do love each other and care for each other a lot. In short I guess I am into her more than she is me. She mentioned not enough spark and attraction but also questions whether she wants a 'proper' relationship. She is happy to see each other a couple of times a week but not into labels like BF/GF, cant see herself living with someone (has been living alone for 10 years or so now). Me, I want that long term future when we do live together, want that label, want us to make each other a priority.

Sometimes she is like that but does blow hot and cold, and have had a couple of short breaks in the past but then both realised we do want each other - sometimes being quite needy, then being more aloof. I started to raise this a couple of weeks ago. Guess I just need to move on as it its quite hard to compromise on this!

What exactly are you asking, OP? From what you say, it’s over. She thought a spark was lacking, and said she wasn’t sure she wanted a relationship, anyway. I get that it hurts, but at least it sets you free.

It sounds difficult if you love each other. It is hard to let that go.

On the other hand, you don’t want the same things. She is clear she doesn’t want to live with a partner, and you are clear that you do. I guess that by your assumption that you’re in to her more than she is to you, that she is prepared to hold the boundary of not living with a partner. By leaving you are doing the same; holding the boundary that you DO want to live with a partner.

Well matched but want different things. Either you can compromise on those things, or you’ll need to move on. I don’t think it would be wise to continue in the hope she will change her mind, as by 50 somethings and presumably having lived with at least one previous partner, she is likely clear about whether she’d like to live with a partner again.

Have you broken up? If yes, that's the right thing to do.

I guess I know the answer - while a relationship has lots of great points it needs both to have the same view and like each other the same.

She would be happy to keep it going as it was, but it was me saying I needed more from it - it was more than just friends, they dont snuggle up together on the sofa with physical touch and closeness.

At the moment I feel awful, but had been thinking like this for a while. Part of me would love to carry on but there was a frustration about it being not quite what I wanted.

She wants a fuck buddy, you don't. There's no point hanging around hoping that she will change her mind. She's been honest with you and you recognise that it's not for you so yes, breaking up is the right thing to do.

Sometimes you just have to accept that you want different things and move on. I know it’s hard, I had to. There’ll be someone who wants the same things as you, but sadly it’s not her.

Then focus on what wasn’t right, and the bits of yourself you were compromising in the relationship.

She's not that into you.

You're incompatible in what you want. You want a close, live together, couple up relationship, she wants more distance and independence and she's not feeling the spark and attraction to progress any further.

I think it’s common sometimes in later life to want fewer of the “romantic” things she maybe shared with an ex partner and want to focus more on companionship but maintaining independence/financial freedom and security/ protect inheritance/ stay in her home without moving someone in.

All that is totally valid and doesn’t take away from how important you are to her but if it’s not what you wait then you're at cross purposes and it’s better to walk away.

It sounds like you just want different things from the relationship. Nobody's in the wrong, you are just not well suited. You need to move on and hopefully you will meet someone who's more aligned with what you're looking for.