Supporting a friend in an emotionally abusive relationship - losing it a bit.

[Cantdothisanymore1064]

Best friend is in an emotionally abusive relationship with her fiancé. She has small children with him and feels unable to leave. I’ve been sent almost daily voicenotes, messages, calls about their situation for over a year and I’m struggling to support my friend. I know it’s incredibly difficult for her but if she asks for advice and I give it, it feels like it goes in one ear and out the other or she ignores me. Then the cycle continues.

She refuses to be in a woman’s refuge shelter for mum and baby but tells me she can’t afford to move out so she is stuck.

It is having a big impact on my mental health as I’m worrying about her daily and selfishly struggling with her daily trauma dumping.

You are not selfish in your struggle. I don’t think people in abusive relationships understand that it affects the people who care about them too.

I don’t know what the answer is if she refuses to do anything about her situation though.

I feel like her options are take woman’s shelter and hope to be placed into a flat within 6 months a year or stay? But she refuses any help and when I give her genuinely helpful advice she doesn’t listen.

It must be incredibly frustrating to hear her complain about her situation over and over again but never actually do anything about it.

My gut says to respond less and try to set boundaries but never cut her off because one day she will be ready to leave and she will need all the support she can get

Take a step back. Don't engage with her anymore in the same way.

It seems like she's currently using you as a release valve instead of acting.

You need to protect your own mental health.

I'd signpost her to Women's Aid or local domestic abuse services each time she messages about it, and consider lying & saying something's gone weird with your phone and you can't access voice messages. Only take calls when you have the emotional bandwidth for it, and have an excuse ready to hang up, if it starts feeling too much.

Protect your own headspace. You don't have to be her emotional dumping ground, it's ok to have boundaries.

You're not good to her if you end up burnt out or resenting her.

No good, not not good 😣

Agree with pp, it’s very hard to be be the emotional dumping ground forever. As above just keep giving her details of women’s aid etc. what outcome would she like? Does she have an income of her own? Please don’t offer the deposit or to be a guarantor for a private let

According to Police it takes an average of 9 occasions reporting abuse to them before the victim leaves the abuser. Apparently it is because of a trauma bond. The victim is abused, probably physically, then the perpetrator starts being lovely. This then makes the victim feel that they are making more of it than is actually real. So it takes quite a lot for the victim to leave.

You have to keep yourself mentally safe. Say things to keep her on board, but try not to take it all in or visualise her situation. She needs friends now and in the future.

Try not giving advice, but instead saying something like it sounds really tough/crap/miserable/intolerable, what do you think you can do to change things ?
Don’t give advice, she isn’t ready, but she can think what she could do.

keep on being her friend as she will leave one day