Telling son about abuse?

[MrsRobespierre]

Hi, NC for this. Sorry so very long!

I spent years in an abusive relationship. I don’t blame myself too much for this because I’d been brought up in an abusive home (a parent who was violent & threatening to me) so fear & abuse were normal for me.

My ex was a vicious, shouting bully who smoked weed all day & used out of control displays of rage to terrorise me. He hit me, chased me, put his hands round my neck, battered my face into the floor & on one occasion raped me. I saw several family law solicitors to get advice on how to leave him & on each occasion was told that because he was the main carer for our children*, if I left him, he would keep the kids and the house. Most I would get would be EOW, paying for him to stay in the house I had bought & paid for, while neglecting my children. Drug use & abuse notwithstanding. (This was 10+ years ago- maybe the courts would be different now.)

*He claimed to be the main carer because he refused to work. In fact I had to pay for child care because he was too unreliable & I obviously did not want kids alone in his care or driven by him since he was always stoned.

Eventually after one particularly devastating incident I went to the police. This was 11 years ago. He was cautioned - for having smashed my head against a wall. I had two black eyes, my face was bruised black & cracked and bleeding & swollen, my forehead and nose miss-shapen & nose looked out of joint. Cautioned. Ffs.

At that point I called his bluff. I belatedly woke up I guess and realised that he would not want full-time child care. After a very hard negotiation in which he threatened to keep the children he agreed to a 50/50 split. I was advised that was a good outcome for me. The kids were all at school by then.

As a father he could be worse I guess. He is not threatening or abusive to our kids. This is because they are all male & his abusive behaviour is ALWAYS directed at women. He provides a large home in a nice area and several expensive holidays a year (oh, he’s privately wealthy 🤢). He sets them an awful example, though, by the way he talks about & behaves to women. He’s also lazy & irresponsible. I do all the heavy lifting - transport, organisation, medical, school stuff. He’s like a selfish child with all that.

He has carried on trying to make my life difficult from a distance. I don’t ever see him (he was violent last time I did). I use a parent app for communications. He takes joy in letting me down at the last minute, causing problems that I have to solve - because I know otherwise I’ll have to cope with aggression or kids will suffer.

My oldest two have now left home. I think they’re pretty clear eyed about him. They see him but they’ll joke about what a tit he is. (Interestingly all of them are very strongly anti-drug use as result of seeing him smoke so much weed.)

The youngest tho (16) is still 50/50 and recently there’s been a big uptick in aggressive problem-causing behaviour from his dad. Changing arrangements at last minute, for instance. He puts me in a position where I have to step up, cancel work, surgery, holiday, etc, as otherwise my son will suffer.

I am worried the youngest is much more susceptible than the older boys were to his father’s influence. I’m worried that what is basically a form of abuse (his dad trying to control me indirectly) is being normalised by by smoothing it over. I don’t think this will help him in life.

I have generally tried to avoid bad mouthing his dad but just recently I have started wondering - I have on my phone the police photos (from when I reported him) of what he did to me. (I requested them via subject access request & kept them to remember always to avoid abusive men.)

Should I show these photos to my son? (They are pretty full on.)

I’ve been trying to think about my motivation for even considering this. Is it just selfishness ? Would I be hurting my son to get back at my ex? Or does son need to know the reality of what abuse looks like? Does he need to know what his father is, in order to be different himself?

I think I probably won’t show them, on basis it would just hurt my son, who is innocent & deserves better, but wondered if this was right or if I am (still) normalising his dad’s abuse by holding back.

I’m sorry you went through all that- it must’ve been terrifying.

Is your son not aware of the abuse, having lived with you both?

There is a 2nd way to go about this @MrsRobespierre. Have you thought about talking to your older sons, and asking them to talk to your younger? They might come across as less overtly anti-dad biased. And also more relatable?

Mmm you say you dont blame yourself much because you were brought up in an abusive household , but you then thought it was perfectly acceptable to bring your own children up the same?? That makes no sense at all

I certainly wouldn't be showing your son those photos, it's likely to traumatise him and for what purpose? If you feel like pushing back against your ex's behaviour then do so. You can explain to your son that his dad is making life difficult and that this is a form of abuse. I don't think you need to go into the gruesome details about your ex's physical abuse though.

Thank you all. That is very helpful & kind of accords with what I was thinking.

In terms of cycles of abuse, I think it is clearly the case that people who have been abused in childhood are more likely to perceive continuing abuse as being normal. This is what makes the intergenerational cycles very difficult to break. I clearly at some level sought out an abusive man to father my children, which is deeply shocking. I think it’s often only when actual normal behaviour is seen though that abnormality reveals itself as what it is!

I noticed in the Freedom Programme book examples are given of the ‘good man’ in each case. That is so useful.

No
way

At this stage, no, I don’t think seeing the photos is what he needs.

What he does actually need though is for you to stop picking up the pieces. When his dad drops him in it because he’s a shit dad, let him experience the impact. Don’t come running to his rescue. If he was 6, it would be different. He’s not. He’s 16. He can sort himself out while you go on holiday or have surgery. He can ring his dad a million times and be rejected and feel the anger at his dad being such a tit. He can reach out to his brothers and they can commiserate.

My mum was always very open with what a shit dad my dad was. I know he was abusive to her, but she never shared the details beyond what I witnessed myself. But she also didn’t jump when he said jump. She wouldn’t cover for him. She let me experience how crap he was. I had the measure of him quite quickly.

What is the matter with you? You don’t exactly know you’re getting in to an abusive relationship until it’s too late. People act like it’s just so easy to up and leave like there isn’t enough research already to tell them it’s not that simple. Victim shaming at its finest.

OP, well done for being strong. I don’t think showing your son the pictures is okay right now, he’s still a bit young. You don’t want it to get twisted. I do agree with PP, if there’s a possibility your eldest could speak to your youngest that’s probably the best way. I’m concerned you say he may be picking up on the misogyny - you want that nipped in the bud ASAP.